The darkness was full around us. It was biting cold and I realized I wasn’t used to the Utah cold weather any longer. I wasn’t sure where we were, but I could hear the hum of the freeway to my left. The parking lot was dotted with yellow security lights and there was no one else around. I could barely make out the outline of the mountains to the east, dark shadows against the starry sky, their snowy peaks glistening in the night. I thought I recognized the distinctive peaks of Mount Timpanogos, which would put us somewhere south of Provo, but I wasn’t sure. Looking at my surroundings, I felt a rush of joy. It was early March. I had been gone for almost six months. I was so glad to be near my home.
Mitchell looked around, his eyes darting here and there. He was very nervous. It was the first time I had been in Utah without my robes and veil. And this was deep in enemy territory, back in the very heart of the state. He stared at my ridiculous wig, the crooked dark glasses, and the clothes that didn’t fit, then shook his head. Have I made a mistake in doing this? the uncertainty on his face seemed to say.
He motioned to a park on the other side of the highway. I thought I saw a sign that read CAMELOT, but it was very dark and I couldn’t tell for sure. Mitchell started jogging toward it, picking up speed as he ran.
He is scared! I realized as Barzee and I followed him toward the park.
We crossed the highway and walked through the gate. As we got closer I was able to read some of the signs. We walked past King Arthur’s Round Table and moved to the back of the park. Picking out a patch of grass beside a gentle river, we set up our small tent. A shiver ran through me from the cold, and I realized that my single blanket was not going to keep me warm.
Before we went to sleep, Mitchell raped me, as he always did.
It would prove to be the last time.
*
Mitchell woke us early. The morning was gray and cold, the grass thick with heavy frost. I could see my breath inside the tent and the sides of the fabric were dripping with condensation from our breathing. My body ached from the cold and being crammed inside the small tent with two adults who would just as soon lie on top of me as give me any room. We climbed out of the tent before it was fully light, Mitchell pushing us to hurry. He wanted to get out of the park before anyone saw that we had been sleeping there. I took the tent down as quickly as I could, but my fingers were icy cold and it was difficult to make them move.
After packing up our gear, we headed out of the park. We walked along the frontage road for a short distance before we came to a convenience store with a McDonald’s inside. Food! I was so hungry! We walked in and placed our order. The woman at the cash register mumbled as she explained that it was hard for her to talk because she’d had her wisdom teeth out the day before. Mitchell kept asking her all kinds of questions, and it was obviously painful for her to answer, so she was happy to hand us our food and get us on our way.
We headed to a booth and stuffed our breakfast down in silence. As soon as we were finished, Mitchell herded us out of the restaurant.
Standing on the sidewalk in front of the store, Mitchell took a look around. It was still early and there weren’t very many cars around. But there was a young man who was getting some gas and Mitchell walked up and asked if we could get a lift. The young man looked at us suspiciously. I knew that we looked like a bunch of dirty vagabonds, but he hesitated only a moment before he said, “Sure. Jump in.”
We climbed into his car. As I got into the backseat, he looked over his shoulder. “Be careful, that door is broken. It might fall off in your hands.”
I could see that the inside panel was barely hanging on, but I got the door shut and we took off. He took us to Orem, but that was as far as he could go. When I got out of the car, the door panel fell off in my hands. “I’m so, so sorry,” I said as I tried to put it back in place.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault.” He laughed.
I fixed the door as best I could, then got out and the young man drove off.
We headed toward the bus stop, which was not very far away. Tons of people were around. Most of them couldn’t keep from staring at us, causing me the usual embarrassment and shame. We climbed on the bus, which was so crowded that many of us had to stand. I kept my eyes down, staring at Mitchell’s feet. He kept very close, never more than a few inches away. His eyes were always moving, darting here and there. Barzee seemed withdrawn, as if she had resigned herself to whatever lay ahead. Since the night the devil and his angels had tortured her by cutting her body in two, it seemed she had lost a lot of energy.
Most of the people on the bus were either students or businesspeople heading into the city and we stood out among the well-dressed crowd. As the bus swayed along, I looked up to see a young man staring at me. I lowered my head again. I could still feel his eyes on me and my heart started racing. So conditioned was I to being alone, and so conditioned to feeling terrified of Mitchell’s threats, that I immediately withdrew from any human interaction, even if it was just a glance.
After a few minutes, the man moved toward Mitchell and started talking to him. “Who are you?” he asked.
Mitchell didn’t say anything.
“Where you headed?” The man was trying to be nice.
“We are ministers of the Lord,” Mitchell answered.