Settling down offers the chance to fill that void with the dependable, deeper, intimate love of a committed relationship.
Now I had to find the right person. When I was out, I tried to keep an eye out for someone who could be relationship material. At first I had no luck, but then I had lunch with a friend who put it in perspective.
“I want to settle down, but I don’t ever meet anyone I really like,” I said.
“Well, where are you meeting these girls?” he asked.
“Bars and clubs,” I replied.
“So you’re going to horrible places and meeting horrible people and you’re complaining about it? Live your life like a decent person. Go to the grocery store, buy your own food, take care of yourself. If you live a responsible life, you’ll run into responsible people,” he said.
It made sense. I was staying out like a lunatic and complaining that I only met lunatics. I realized if I was going to try to find someone to settle down with, I had to change the way I was going about my search. Instead of bars and clubs, I’d do things that I’d want a theoretical girlfriend to be into. I went to more museums, more food events, more low-key/interesting bars at earlier times, and things got better.
I made more of an effort to date friends of friends and began accepting setups, in the hope of meeting better people who were filtered through my existing social framework. I also decided to really get to know the girls I was dating. As I noted in chapter 4, instead of trying to lock down so many first dates, I tried to go on more fifth or sixth dates.
A few months later I ran into an amazing woman whom I had met years earlier. I had liked her then, but she had been in a relationship at the time. She was beautiful, funny, and a chef!!! If you’ve counted all the food references in this book, you realize what a great thing this is for me. We started dating. Pretty soon we were staying home, cooking food, and doing nothing all the time. It was great.
After a few weeks it started getting serious and I was faced with the decision of whether to truly settle down. Did I really want a girlfriend? Did I really want to give up the single life?
I thought for sure that I wanted a relationship, but when this amazing woman found her way to me, I was still scared. Settling down seemed like a frightening proposition.
I’ve explained how this is the era of the most romantic options and how, when you get in a relationship, you are closing the door on all of them.
Being single is a lot of work, but so are relationships. There were the inconveniences of my touring schedule and the giant hurdle of long distance (I was going back to L.A. and she lived in New York).
Eventually I decided to dive in.
Today we live together in L.A. and cook food and do nothing on a regular basis. She’s amazing and I’m very happy in my relationship, but making the decision to dive in was tough. And it’s tough for many singles out there.
FEAR OF SETTLING DOWN, FEAR OF SETTLING
When the opportunity to settle down presents itself, the glamour of the single life and all the potential options loom over our heads. The continuing fear many singles expressed in our interviews was that by getting into a serious relationship, they weren’t settling down but settling.
In today’s romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call “the upgrade problem.” Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade.
This was especially prevalent in larger cities. In walking cities like Chicago and Boston, people described how it was hard to settle down because every time they turned a corner, they saw more attractive and hypothetically interesting people.
As one woman told us, “For guys and girls equally . . . there’s just so many people. And there’s someone around the corner or uptown or downtown who you might like just a fraction better than the person who’s across from you right now.”
Even without being in a walking city, we all see way more faces in the digital world. And in a strange way, all the faces we see in the world or even on social media feel like real options that we are closing the door on when we settle down. Have you ever aimlessly browsed around on Instagram? It can be like going down a rabbit hole: clicking on friends, friends of friends, people who’ve liked those friends’ photos. You see photos of all these beautiful people. You take a look at a few photos of someone’s feed and you can begin to get a sense of who they are. You start to wonder, Wow, what if this person and I connected?
In a world where you sit around all day in your pajamas and swipe right on the faces of your dreams, the options problem rears its ugly head, making settling down seem so damn limiting. Yes, you have someone great, but are you sure they’re the greatest?
But even for those who overcome this hurdle and commit to settling down, more challenges lie ahead.