Weird, yes, but also true. In Dataclysm, Christian Rudder used actual user data from OkCupid to show that writing a standard message and then copying and pasting it to initiate conversations is 75 percent as effective as writing something more original. Since it’s also way less demanding, Rudder says that “in terms of effort-in to results-out it always wins.”9
So Arpan did game the system to his advantage a little, but he didn’t just standardize his initial messages; he also developed a template for his dates. When he started online dating he would often take women out to dinner, but at a certain point he decided this was a “rookie mistake.” If he didn’t hit it off with this person, he was in for the long haul, stuck in a seemingly endless dinner, so he decided to switch to drinks. He also felt that investing time in picking a fun place to go was too much effort considering that most of the dates ended up being a bust, so he narrowed his date spots to a few bars that were walking distance from his apartment.
So: just drinks, minimal effort on his part, and you have to travel to him. Ladies, are you getting sexually excited just reading this?!
We asked him where he took his last two dates, both of whom he found through online sites. “Volcano, five blocks away from my house.” And the other? “Lucky Strike Lanes, six blocks away from my house.” Any potential ladies that got excited about a bowling date quickly would have their dreams crushed, though. According to Arpan, “It’s actually bowling, but there’s a lounge/bar area, so I don’t do the bowling.” Ouch. Quite a bait and switch. “Hey! Let’s go bowling! Just kidding, let’s just get a drink at the lounge.”
On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t imagine those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.
“Dating is tiring, without a doubt,” Arpan told us. “It’s a lot of work. And you know, now I’m so jaded and, like, so tired of it that I don’t actually take the time anymore. I’m at the point where it’s just like, ‘Find me somebody! Make it happen!’” But as far as I could tell, his techniques were not working out.
Arpan, who at first glance comes off as a vibrant, confident guy, has been so beaten down by dating that the very mention of the topic leads him to slouch down and spin tales like a weary war veteran. The rigors of the online dating world transformed this once-excited young single man into a sad lug whose idea of a date is to not bowl at a bowling alley that he can get home from as quickly as possible.
Others in our focus groups commiserated over the fact that sorting through this new sea of options available through online dating was almost becoming a second job. The word “exhausting” came up in every discussion we had, and after hearing people’s experiences, it made sense.
All the work that went into finding even one date—reading through messages, finding a message you like, clicking the profile, sorting through the profile, and then, after all that, STILL having to engage in a series of back-and-forths to gauge rapport and then plan a real-world meet-up—was taking its toll.
Some had even reached a breaking point. Priya, twenty-seven, said she’d recently deleted her Tinder and OkCupid accounts. “It just takes too long to get to just the first date. And I feel like it’s way more effective utilizing your social groups,” she said. “It’s like I would rather put myself in those social situations than get exhausted.”
For Priya, as for so many of the online daters we met in different cities, the process had morphed from something fun and exciting into a new source of stress and dread.
Now, what about Dinesh, the other Indian guy?
Dinesh had a completely different approach to dating. “I’m not on any dating sites,” he announced to our group that morning, looking a bit perplexed by the conversation.
“What was the last first date you went on?” I asked.
“I met a girl at church and we went to a movie just recently,” he said.
The way he said it was so confident and badass. Compared with what Arpan had just said, Dinesh’s “church and a movie” sounded like “motorcycle race and some sport fucking.”
“What about the last girl before that who you met?” I continued.
“I met her at a volunteer thing,” Dinesh replied.
The guys in the room seemed mesmerized by the fantasy of dating a beautiful girl who also does heartfelt charity work.
Before that, he reported, he’d met a girl at a holiday party. “I have a bunch of really good groups of friends, kind of across L.A., so I meet tons of people.”