I can’t tell you how many girls I met who were clearly interested in a guy who, instead of asking them out, just kept sucking them into more mundane banter with gems like “So where do you do your laundry” What follows are ten back-and-forths about laundry detergent. (“Yeah, I recently switched to fragrance-free detergent. It’s been FANTASTIC.”)
At a stand-up show I did in Tulsa, I met a young man named Cody. He came onstage and we read through his text messages. There were literally twenty messages of useless, nervous banter. It was clear this woman was interested, but poor Cody simply wasn’t asking her to do anything. I told Cody he should just ask her out. He texted her, “Hey Ally. Have you been to Hawaiian Brian’s? Let me know if you want to go this week?” Within two hours she said yes, and they enjoyed a delicious meal at Hawaiian Brian’s the next week.
On a side note, is there any place on earth that sounds like it has a more chill vibe than Hawaiian Brian’s? Or for that matter, is there a chiller name than “Hawaiian Brian”? “Damnit! Hawaiian Brian just stole my debit card and liquidated all my bank accounts!” I can’t ever see someone having to utter that sentence.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING
In any interviews we did, whenever bad grammar or spelling popped up, it was an immediate and major turnoff. Women seemed to view it as a clear indicator that a dude was a bozo. Let’s say you are a handsome, charming stud who really made a great first impression. If your first text is “Hey we shud hang out sumtimez,” you may just destroy any goodwill you have built up.
On our subreddit we were told a story about a man who was dating a spectacular woman but eventually broke up with her. He said it went downhill once he texted her asking if she had heard about a party at a mutual friend’s house. Her response was “Hoo?” Not “Who,” but “Hoo.” He kept trying to force the word “who” into conversation to make sure this beautiful woman could spell a simple three-letter word. Every time, she spelled it “hoo.” He said it ruined everything. (NOTE: We did confirm that this was a woman and not an owl.)
ARE WE “HANGING OUT” OR GOING OUT ON A DATE?
Another thing that really pisses women off is when dudes ask them to “hang out.” The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end, but since it’s usually the guys initiating, this is a clear area where men can step it up.
“It’s becoming too common for guys to ask girls to ‘hang out’ rather than directly asking them on a date,” said one woman. “I’m not sure if it’s because guys are afraid of rejection or because they want to seem casual about it, but it can leave one (or both) people unsure about whether or not they’re even on a date.”
When you are forward in this regard, it can really help you stand out from the crowd. A girl from our subreddit recalled meeting a guy at a loud party: “After I left he texted me, ‘Hi [name redacted], this is [first name, last name], we’re going on a date.’ His confidence, straightforwardness, and refreshingly gentlemanly approach (vs. skirting around ‘lets hang out some time’) made for an incredible first impression and had a lasting effect.”
THE GOOD TEXTS
Not all guys are bozos. We also found some really great texts that gave me hope for the modern man. While a phone call may be great, the advantage of texting is that it can allow a guy or girl to craft a great, thoughtful message that can build attraction.
We were also able to spot some specific traits these successful texts shared. After speaking with hundreds of men and women, the following three things seemed most important.
A FIRM INVITATION TO SOMETHING SPECIFIC AT A SPECIFIC TIME
There is a monumental difference in the fortunes of the guy who texts a girl, “Hey wuts goin on?” versus “Hey Katie, it was great meeting you on Saturday. If you’re around next week, I would love to take you to dinner at that restaurant we were talking about. Let me know if you’re free.”
These two guys could have the same intentions and feelings in their hearts, but the girl they’re texting will never know that. She’s going to decide whom to go out with based in part on how she interprets the short little messages that pop up on her phone. The lack of specificity in “Wanna do something sometime next week?” is a huge negative to women. The people interviewed overwhelmingly preferred to have a very specific (and ideally interesting and fun) thing presented with a firm invitation.
SOME CALLBACK TO THE LAST PREVIOUS IN-PERSON INTERACTION