The word “love” had shot through me like an arrow, piercing the empty space where my heart used to be.
“Say something. Defend yourself at least,” he demanded.
“Y-You love me?” I whispered.
“I thought I did.” His gaze was like a glacier. “But now I realize I don’t even fucking know you. How could I love the woman who tried to keep my child from me and then stands by her choice when she gets caught?”
I swallowed hard. “Jackson—”
“No, save it, Piper. There’s nothing you can say or do that will make this okay.”
“I thought about telling you,” I tried. “But I know how you feel about children, and I thought you would be better off…”
“How nice of you to make the choice for me,” he spat. “You know what? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer, and I only want to hear from yours. I can’t even stand to look at you right now.”
He glowered at me with full, unadulterated fury, and I stared back, my lips pursed as I crossed my arms over my chest. There was nothing I could say or do to fix this. No way I could make what I’d done make sense. Not to him. Not when he was like this. Hell, maybe never.
So instead, I stood there, heartsick, watching as he marched back to his car. Before he got inside, though, he stared back at me, his eyes icy.
“I have a right to be in my child’s life, and I will. Whatever it takes, Piper. So don’t think this is the last of this.”
With that, he climbed into the car and reversed onto the street, speeding off in a plume of exhaust and hatred.
All the while, I stood stock still, watching him go and dealing with my own tangled mess of feelings. My hurt at the way he’d looked at me, the anger that he’d meddled, my frustration that he would never understand.
But most of all, my heartbreak. He’d loved me… Loved me enough to want to fix my problems even after I’d cast him aside. And I…
I thought of that night on the rooftop garden. Our trip to the museum, all those lunches and dinners shared in his office. The few rare times I’d gotten to really see him for who he was.
Those moments when my heart shone like a thousand bits of light.
I loved him too. And now he would never know it. Our child might never know it, but I did. I loved him with all my heart.
Which was why I’d tried to spare him all of this.
But now, after everything, I was the one standing here, my head in my hands, having lost every last piece of my life.
I heard the door open again behind me, and I knew my sister was watching me from the porch.
“You heard?” I asked lifelessly.
“Yeah. I’m so very sorry, sis.”
“Me too,” I replied, a wedge of emotion clogging my throat. “Me too.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Piper
For a long while, we were silent. Hailey stood over the tea kettle, watching as the water began to steam, and I sat at her little round kitchen table, my hands folded in front of me.
I studied every detail of them, every line along my knuckles, every vein beneath the skin. Anything to keep my mind from Jackson and the way he’d looked at me when he’d sped away.
Anything to keep me from what felt like a never-ending rush of humiliation and shame.
The high-pitched scream of the kettle sounded, and I closed my eyes, listening to the burble of water as Hailey poured water into mugs.
“Green or Earl Grey?” she asked in a muted tone.
“You have decaf? The caffeine isn’t good for the baby.”
“Oh, right. Still getting used to…well, yeah. Give me a second.” She rummaged in her drawers and then snapped one shut before I heard the soft thud of her feet on the linoleum floor and then the gentle scrape of the wooden chair as it slid backward.
“Open your eyes. Nothing to hide from here,” Hailey said, and I looked up to find her placing a mug in front of me.
Turning, she grabbed some sugar and milk from the island in the middle of her dated, cherry kitchen and thunked them onto the middle of the matching table.
“Okay,” she sighed. “Now, let’s have some tea and talk about what might make you feel better. Maybe we could talk baby names? I like Tallulah, personally.”
I shook my head, wrapping my chilled hands around the scalding cup in front of me.
“I’m not sure anything is going to make me feel better. I mean, how could he just leave like that?” Gripping the string of my tea bag, I plunked it up and down and then stared down into the darkening water.
“Like, he wants to prove that he’s going to be here for this baby, but the second he finds out I’m pregnant, he’s back on the road again?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Frankly, it’s exactly what I expected from him. I shouldn’t be surprised.”
Silence reigned between us, broken only by the soft clatter of Hailey’s spoon as she stirred her tea.
I counted the seconds. One, two, three, and then I glanced at her, determined to make her meet my gaze. When she didn’t, I spoke again.
“Well?” I prompted.
“Well.” She sighed. “Look, I don’t want to upset you any more. We can talk about this when you’ve had a little time.”
“I don’t need time. I want to know what you think,” I said.
Hailey frowned and then sipped her drink. With another sigh, she started again. “Well, I can kind of see where he’s coming from, honestly. I mean, what was he supposed to do? Throw his arms open and ask your due date? The guy got blindsided.”
“That’s no excuse,” I said.
“I think it might be.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “You’ve had a couple of days to deal with this news and process how it’s going to affect your life. Jackson didn’t have that. He just found out that not only were you pregnant, but you lied to him about it repeatedly to keep him from finding out.”
“Because he doesn’t want children!” I argued. “I did this for him. If you could’ve heard how he spoke about having a baby…”
“That was ancient history, Piper. His opinion could have changed in the last decade. And besides, would that be your assumption if you were in his shoes right now?” Hailey asked patiently. “Or would you think the person didn’t tell you because you were lacking somehow? Because, for whatever reason, they didn’t think you’d be a good influence in their child’s life?”
I frowned, that noxious sickly feeling returning to my stomach. “I hadn’t thought about it that way. If he’d just asked, or let me speak, I would have explained why I didn’t tell him.”
“He was in shock, I imagine. He didn’t know this was the kind of conversation he’d be having today, I guarantee that,” Hailey said. Then she reached toward me, took my hand, and stroked the back of my fingers.
“Look, Piper, you made a choice. You thought it was the right thing to do, but the thing is, you made that choice without his consent or knowledge. Like it or not, that’s going to be a tough thing for a guy like Jackson to swallow.”
I gripped my sister’s hand and squeezed. “Did you hear the part…the part where he said he loved me?” I choked out the words.
She nodded. “I did.”
“I love him too, you know. I wouldn’t have worried about ruining his life if I didn’t love him. I wouldn’t have…” Hot tears scratched at the back of my throat, and I swallowed hard.
“I know,” Hailey said. “I know.”
“So what do I do now? I can’t get him back. I can’t force him to stay with me because I’m having this baby. Not after everything I’ve done.”
Hailey frowned. “No, but you can give him what he thinks he wants right now.”
“Which is?” I prompted.
Hailey took another sip of her tea, her brow furrowing as she thought. “Well, what do you think you would want if you were in his shoes?”
“I guess…reassurance more than anything. But it’s not like I can call him and leave a message or something.”
“Then don’t. Go back to the city and do something about this.”
My mind whirled. “He won’t want to see me.”
“Then don’t let him. Leave him a letter or something. Just, you know, let him know that what happened doesn’t have anything to do with him. Not really.”
I nodded. “I can do that.”
“I know you can.”