Men at Arms (Discworld #15)

The sergeant scratched his head. What the hell did that all mean?

Just after breakfast a couple of senior jesters from the Fools' Guild had come to pick up the corpse. Corpses in the river . . . well, there was nothing very unusual about that. But it wasn't the way clowns died, usually. After all, what did a clown have that was worth stealing? What sort of danger was a clown?

As for the alchemists, he was blowed if he was—

Of course, he didn't have to. He looked up at the recruits. They had to be good for something.

Cuddy and Detritus – don't salute! - I've got a little job fotr you. Just take this piece of paper to the Alchemists'

Guild, all right? And ask one of the loonies to tell you what he makes of it.'

'Where's the Alchemists' Guild, sergeant?' said Cuddy.

'In the Street of Alchemists, of course,' said Colon, 'at the moment. But I should run, if I was you.'

The Alchemists' Guild is opposite the Gamblers' Guild. Usually. Sometimes it's above it, or below it, or falling in bits around it.

The gamblers are occasionally asked why they continue to maintain an establishment opposite a Guild which accidentally blows up its Guild Hall every few months, and they say: 'Did you read the sign on the door when you came in?'

The troll and the dwarf walked towards it, occasionally barging into each other by deliberate accident.

'Anyway, you so clever, he gave paper to me?'

'Hah! Can you read it, then? Can you?'

'No, I tell you to read it. That called del-eg-ay-shun.'

'Hah! Can't read! Can't count! Stupid troll!'

'Not stupid!'

'Hah! Yes? Everyone knows trolls can't even count up to four!'[11]

'Eater of rats!'

'How many fingers am I holding up? You tell me, Mr Clever Rocks in the Head.'

'Many,' Detritus hazarded.

'Har har, no, five. You'll be in big trouble on payday. Sergeant Colon'11 say, stupid troll, he won't know how many dollars I give him! Hah! How come you read the notice about joining the Watch, anyway? Got someone to read it to you?'

'How come you read notice? Get someone to hold you up?'

They walked into the door of the Alchemists' Guild.

'I knock. My job!'

'I'll knock!'

When Mr Sendivoge, the Guild secretary, opened the door it was to find a dwarf hanging on the knocker and being swung up and down by a troll. He adjusted his crash helmet.

'Yes?' he said.

Cuddy let go.

Detritus'massive brows knitted.

'Er. You loony bastard, what you make of this?' he said.

Sendivoge stared from Detritus to the paper. Cuddy was struggling to get around the troll, who was almost completely blocking the doorway.

'What'd you go and call him that for?'

'Sergeant Colon, he said—'

'I could make a hat out of it,' said Sendivoge, 'or a string of dollies, if I could get some scissors—'

'What my . . . colleague means, sir, is can you help us in our inquiries in re the writing on this alleged piece of paper here?' said Cuddy. 'That bloody hurt!'

Sendivoge peered at him.

'Are you Watchmen?' he said.

'I'm Lance-Constable Cuddy and this,' said Cuddy, gesturing upwards, 'is Lance-trying-to-be-Constable Detritus – don't salu-oh . . .'

There was a thump, and Detritus slumped sideways.

'Suicide squad, is he?' said the alchemist.

'He'll come round in a minute,' said Cuddy. 'It's the saluting. It's too much for him. You know trolls.'

Sendivoge shrugged and stared at the writing.

'Looks . . . familiar,' he said. 'Seen it somewhere before. Here . . . you're a dwarf, aren't you?'

'It's the nose, isn't it?' said Cuddy. 'It always gives me away.'

'Well, I'm sure we always try to be of help to the community,' said Sendivoge. 'Do come in.'

Cuddy's steel-tipped boots kicked Detritus back into semi-sensibility, and he lumbered after them.

'Why the, er, why the crash helmet, mister?' said Cuddy, as they walked along the corridor. All around them was the sound of hammering. The Guild was usually being rebuilt.

Sendivoge rolled his eyes.

'Balls,' he said, 'billiard balls, in fact.'

'I knew a man who played like that,' said Cuddy.

'Oh, no. Mr Silverfish is a good shot. That tends rather to be the problem, in fact.'

Cuddy looked at the crash helmet again.

'It's the ivory, you see.'

'Ah,' said Cuddy, not seeing, 'elephants?'

'Ivory without elephants. Transmuted ivory. Sound commercial venture.'

'I thought you were working on gold.'

'Ah, yes. Of course, you people know all about gold,' said Sendivoge.

'Oh, yes,' said Cuddy, reflecting on the phrase 'you people'.

'The gold,' said Sendivoge, thoughtfully, 'is turning out to be a bit tricky . . .'

'How long have you been trying?'

'Three hundred years.'

'That's a long time.'

'But we've been working on the ivory for only a week and it's going very well!' said the alchemist quickly.

Except for some side effects which we'll doubtless soon be able to sort out.'


He pushed open a door.

It was a large room, heavily outfitted with the usual badly ventilated furnaces, rows of bubbling crucibles, and one stuffed alligator. Things floated in jars. The air smelled of a limited life expectancy.

A lot of equipment had been moved away, however, to make room for a billiard table. Half a dozen alchemists were standing around it in the manner of men poised to run.

'It's the third this week,' said Sendivoge, gloomily. He nodded to a figure bent over a cue.

'Er, Mr Silverfish—' he began.

'Quiet! Game on!' said the head alchemist, squinting at the white ball.

Sendivoge glanced at the score rail.

'Twenty-one points,' he said. 'My word. Perhaps we're adding just the right amount of camphor to the nitro-cellulose after all—'

There was a click. The cue ball rolled away, bounced off the cushion—

—and then accelerated. White smoke poured off it as it bore down on an innocent cluster of red balls.

Silverfish shook his head.

'Unstable,' he said. 'Everybody down!'

Everyone in the room ducked, except for the two Watchmen, one of whom was in a sense pre-ducked and the other of whom was several minutes behind events.

The black ball took off on a column of flame, whiffled past Detritus' face trailing black smoke and then shattered a window. The green ball was staying in one spot but spinning furiously. The other balls cannoned back and forth, occasionally bursting into flame or caroming off the walls.

A red one hit Detritus between the eyes, curved back on to the table, holed itself in the middle pocket and then blew up.

There was silence, except for the occasional bout of coughing. Silverfish appeared through the oily smoke and, with a shaking hand, moved the score point one notch with the burning end of his cue.

'One,' he said. 'Oh well. Back to the crucible. Someone order another billiard table—'

' 'Scuse me,' said Cuddy, prodding him in the knee.

'Who's there?'

'Down here!'

Silverfish looked down.

'Oh. Are you a dwarf?'

Cuddy gave him a blank stare.

'Are you a giant?' he said.

'Me? Of course not!'

'Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes. And that's a troll behind me,' said Cuddy. Detritus pulled himself into something resembling attention.

'We've come to see if you can tell us what's on this paper,' said Cuddy.

'Yur,' said Detritus.

Silverfish looked at it.

'Oh, yes,' he said, 'some of old Leonard's stuff. Well?'

'Leonard?' said Cuddy. He glared at Detritus. 'Write this down,' he snapped.

'Leonard of Quirm,' said the alchemist.

Cuddy still looked lost.

'Never heard of him?' said Silverfish.

'Can't say I have, sir.'

'I thought everyone knew about Leonard da Quirm. Quite barmy. But a genius, too.'

'Was he an alchemist?'

Write this down, write this down . . . Detritus looked around blearily for a burnt bit of wood and a handy wall.

'Leonard? No. He didn't belong to a Guild. Or he belonged to all the Guilds, I suppose. He got around quite a bit. He tinkered, if you know what I mean?'

'No, sir.'

' He painted a bit, and messed about with mechanisms. Any old thing.'

Or a hammer and chisel even, thought Detritus.

'This,' said Silverfish, 'is a formula for . . . oh, well, I might as well tell you, it's hardly a big secret . . . it's a formula for what we called No. 1 Powder. Sulphur, saltpetre and charcoal. You use it in fireworks. Any fool could make it up. But it looks odd because it's written back to front.'

'This sounds important,' hissed Cuddy to the troll.

'Oh, no. He always used to write back to front,' said Silverfish. 'He was odd like that. But very clever all the same. Haven't you seen his portrait of the Mona Ogg?'

'I don't think so.'

Silverfish handed the parchment to Detritus, who squinted at it as if he knew what it meant. Maybe he could write on this, he thought.

'The teeth followed you around the room. Amazing. In fact some people said they followed them out of the room and all the way down the street.'

'I think we should talk to Mr da Quirm,' said Cuddy.

'Oh, you could do that, you could do that, certainly,' said Silverfish. 'But he might not be in a position to listen. He disappeared a couple of years ago.'

. . . then when I find something to write with, thought Detritus, I have to find someone teach me how write . . .

'Disappeared? How?' said Cuddy.

'We think,' said Silverfish, leaning closer, 'that he found a way of making himself invisible.'

'Really?'

'Because,' said Silverfish, nodding conspiratorially, 'no-one's seen him.'

'Ah,' said Cuddy. 'Er. This is just off of the top of my head, you understand, but I suppose he couldn't . . . just have gone somewhere where you couldn't see him?'

'Nah, that wouldn't be like old Leonard. He wouldn't disappear. But he might vanish.'

'Oh.'

'He was a bit . . . unhinged, if you know what I mean. Head too full of brains. Ha, I remember he had this idea once of getting lightning out of lemons! Hey, Sendivoge, you remember Leonard and his lightning lemons?'