I didn’t think I cared when I shut you out.
But now for days you’re all I think about.
~ Romeo’s Quest
I pulled up to the lake-house with my fellow band member, Randy, in the passenger’s seat. I’d moved into the house after I graduated from college back in May to help take care of Dad. It’d been a rough year since Mom passed away, and it’d only gotten tougher as time moved on and Dad lost the battle to his liver failure.
“You sure it’s okay for me to stay here?” Randy asked, pulling out his bag and his acoustic guitar.
I smiled his way and shrugged. Randy was my best friend and had been for years. I’d dated his sister Sarah for over three years when we were younger. I’d probably still be with her today if the accident hadn’t happened.
I was supposed to pick up my brother, Jace, from some party he was stuck at, but I’d been at work. I’d texted Randy to see if he could pick Jace up, but he didn’t answer. So I called Sarah and she said that she would, and on their way home, a drunk driver slammed them from the side. She died on impact.
I blamed myself for asking her to pick up Jace.
Jace blamed himself for being at the party.
Randy blamed himself for losing his baby sister.
All three of us had dealt with the lost of Sarah differently. I’d drowned myself in my music and my studies. Jace had gone on to use drugs and sell them, trying to stop himself from remembering what it had been like in that car. He’d watched her die but never spoke of it. And Randy…
He had pretty much become a wild guy who would try anything once. I never knew where his mind was or what kinds of weird things he was getting into when we weren’t working with the band. He was sort of a floater—picking up random knowledge wherever he went. He’d never blamed Jace or me for what had happened to his sister. He’d never held anger or vengeance in his heart.
I thought back to the question, his asking if I was okay with him staying with me. How could I not be? “Don’t be stupid. You needed a place to stay”—I glanced to the house—“and I have a place for you to stay.”
“Thanks, man. It means a lot to me. I’d probably only need a few months until I figure out some things.” He paused and looked back toward me. “You okay, Dan?”
I gave him a strained smile and nodded. “I got a few beers in the fridge if you want. I’m going to take a run by the lake. The other guys should be here in a few hours to rehearse.”
“Danny, I’m worried about you. All of us are.” The concern was evident in his tone, drenched in apologies for my life.
“Why?” I asked, stretching my arm across my body to loosen up for my run.
He stared at me as if I’d grown three heads. “Your Dad died last week and you’re acting like nothing happened.”
“Randy, people die. We both know that.”
Randy had lost his mom a while back, and his dad had never been in the picture. All he’d had was Sarah until the day of the accident. So if anyone knew what death was like, it was the two of us.
“Yeah, it’s just… After your Mom and the stuff with Jace…” His words faded off. “I just want you to know, we’re here for you. If you need us. I know for a while my mind was in dark places with Sarah’s death. Before my mom died, she asked me to look after her and I couldn’t. That ate away at me. It still does sometimes.” He paused and shifted around. “So yeah, if you want to talk, I’m here.”
There were two types of mourning. There was the type when a person opened up his heart to the world, never taking anything for granted, and lived each day to the fullest. Then there was the type of mourning where a person closed off his heart to the world and lived in his own world, unable to connect to others.
I definitely wasn’t the first option.
I swallowed hard. “You should practice the chords to Ever Gone. It seemed a little off when we played it last time.” I glanced at my watch. “I’ll be back in a few.”
I started toward the boat shed in a slow run, but it didn’t take long for me to pick up speed.
After my runs, I always ended up back at the same location—on the dock, staring at the spot where the worst moment of my life happened. I scrubbed my arms so many times. I was surprised my skin hadn’t ripped off. Bending my knees, I lowered myself and stared toward the grass.
I wished I could forget.
I wished I could forget.
I wish I could f*cking forget!
But instead, I closed my eyes, inhaled deep, and I remembered.
We arrived at the hospital, but Mom was gone before she’d even made it into the ambulance. Jace was bandaged up, his eye was given a few stitches, but he was alive. Bullshit, if you asked me. He’d just had our mom murdered, but all he’d received were a few stitches.
He sat down in the waiting room as Dad spoke with a few police officers. He hadn’t stopped crying the whole time. I’d never in my life seen Dad cry, not even after he’d found out about his health condition.
I moved over to Jace and he stood up. We didn’t say anything. The back of my throat was dry, scratchy. He pulled me into a hug. “I’m going to find out who did this, Danny. I swear to God, they won’t get away with it.”
I held him tight in my arms and nodded. “I know, Jace.”
“This is my fault. But I promise you, I’ll make it right.”
My hands wrapped around my kid brother’s head, and I placed my forehead against his. “I’m sorry, Jace…” I muttered before he pulled away from me, looking confused.
“What?” he asked before he turned around and saw the cops marching toward him.
One of the police officers took his hands and handcuffed him. I listened to the officer read Jace his rights. It all became a blur as they carried him off for drug dealing—evidence they had collected from me earlier. Jace looked at me with confusion, but then he came to realize what was happening and screamed.
“You ratted me out?! Our mom just died, Danny! Mom is dead!” he screamed, his face turning red. “I’m your brother!” His voice was cracking, but his screams were still high. “You’re a rat! Mom is dead and you’re having me locked up!”
His voice echoed down the halls.
His voice echoed into my soul.
Memories were scary, how they could break you with simply your own thoughts.
I blinked and turned away from staring at the spot where Mom died. The hot sun was beating down against my skin. Moving to the edge of the dock, I removed my running shoes and my socks. My feet fell into the cool water and I lay back on the wooden, squeaky dock.
I planned to fix up the dock sometime soon. I planned to fix up the whole house, actually. I just didn’t know how Dad and Mom would’ve wanted it.
I hadn’t really allowed my brain to deal with Dad’s death yet—I was still somewhat in shock by Mom’s. No matter what, no matter how many times you’d dealt with it, death never grew easier.
There was no one I could truly talk to about it. My friends wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain. Plus, I didn’t want to make them feel as shitty as I felt on a daily basis.
But there had been one moment when I saw someone who might understand, based solely on her eyes. Her eyes were surreal, haunting even. Green, powerful eyes that looked so sad. Broken. Beautiful.
My eyes shut, and I imagined her—the girl from the train. My muscles twitched from my run, and I took deep breaths, trying to remember everything about her. She knew what it was like to be me—lost, alone. I had seen it each time she’d blinked her eyes and her thick, long eyelashes hung low.
I should’ve asked for her name. I should’ve sat on top of my luggage beside her. She’d smiled when I’d quoted Shakespeare, but there was still a bit of sadness lingering in the curves of her lips. She was pained by some type of grief, and I had seen it eating her alive—the same way my sadness was tearing me apart. And nothing or nobody could stop it from happening.
A part of me didn’t want it to stop. A part of me thought I deserved the suffering. But for the life of me, I couldn’t believe that that girl deserved to be so sad. I secretly hoped that someday someone could make her smile without the frown lines.
I hoped someday she would be all right.