First-hour chemistry was something I feared on the first day back to school. I didn’t want to come face to face with Jake. I didn’t want him to look at me with disappointment glowing in his eyes.
When I stepped into the classroom, I heard everyone whispering. I wasn’t sure if it was because Ryan was dead or because I looked like death, but they whispered along. Jake was sitting at our lab table, and when he saw me, I gave him a small smile.
His lips curved up a bit.
Only a small, tiny hair, but it was enough for me right now.
“Hey,” I said, taking my seat.
“Hey, Ashlyn,” he chuckled, stressing my name. “I panicked…when I saw”—he cleared his throat and moved in closer to me—“what I saw. I understand completely though.”
My heart pounded aggressively. “You do?”
“Of course, Ash. You lost your sister. Then you lost Ryan. You were an easy target for the a*shole.”
“He’s not an a*shole!” I cried, seeing that Jake definitely didn’t understand.
He took my hand in his and held on to it. I wanted to rip it from his grip, but I didn’t. Jake didn’t know the history of Daniel and me. I couldn’t expect him to understand.
“I’ll make him regret using you though,” he whispered with order in his tone. “He’ll regret hurting you.”
“Jake! No, please. You don’t understand.”
He didn’t reply. His mind was already made up.
And I saw it happening. My life was once again falling apart.
It never even had a chance to fall back together.
I walked down the hallways after chemistry feeling as if my heart were resting underneath my shoe. I wished I’d had Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, which would make me disappear right then and there. Hailey hadn’t made it back to school yet, and I understood completely.
The looks of pure sadness that were delivered my way were intense and forced my eyes to water every now and then. When I reached my locker, I looked down and saw Daniel standing in his doorway, staring directly at me. His cool eyes held a wicked amount of guilt and hurt, and I tried my best to crack a smile. He must have heard the whispering crowds, too. He stepped forward toward me and I shook my head back and forth.
The only person who could comfort me wasn’t allowed to. The only person I wanted to run his fingers through my hair and hold me against his chest had to stay at a distance.
“I don’t care,” he mouthed, and my heart was breaking into a million useless pieces.
I shrugged my shoulders and the tears started to pour from my eyes. “I do,” I mouthed back to him before I lowered my head. I cried into my locker and gasped for air as the overwhelming memories of death proceeded to surface in my soul.
Why were Gabby and Ryan dead? And why in the hell did I deserve to be alive?
I choked on my tears when a reality set in.
I ruined lives. I was certain I did. I’d ruined Gabby’s life. I’d ruined Ryan’s. I’d ruined Henry’s and Mom’s. And I was on the pathway of ruining Daniel’s, too.
Before I knew it, two arms were wrapped around me and pulling me closer to their body. I looked up and saw Daniel still standing at his classroom door, tears fighting to escape his eyes, but I was thankful of his choice to keep his distance.
Henry was shushing my tears as I felt his own dripping onto my face. “It’s okay, Ash. You’re okay. We’re okay.”
I yanked at his shirt, pulling him closer. “Dad…” I whispered, unable to get any other words to leave my mouth. The undeniable power of pain was devastating. I’d known hearts could hurt, but I’d never known they could bleed out into the realms of nothingness.
Henry held on to me. Students passed and whispered, and some even stood and stared. But I released the breath I’d been holding for the past few months.
And I inhaled the air that lightened my mind.
And I exhaled the air that clogged up my soul.
Breathe in, breathe out. I was desperately in need of performing that task over and over again.
Just. Breathe. Ashlyn.
I was alone at the lunch table. I didn’t even pick up a tray to eat. I just sat. Alone. Broken.
Avery glanced over to me at one point as if he were going to join me, but then he looked away, back to his football table. I wondered how much longer he would keep his sexuality a secret. I wondered if he’d tried to convince himself that he was straight just so he wouldn’t end up as another statistic.
I hoped he would be all right.
Jake was standing in line getting his food. He nodded toward me as if he were going to come sit with me, but I didn’t want to be near him. I hopped up from the table and hurried away. I walked past Avery. I walked past Jake.
But I didn’t walk past Ryan.
Because you couldn’t walk past the dead.
My eyes fell to Daniel, giving him a few blinks that I wanted him to follow me.
I stepped into the gated area in the basement, and there I stood in the darkened space, waiting. To some, I probably appeared to be pathetic for leaning against a wall next a dirty bucket and a mop, but I didn’t care. He would come; I knew he would. If Daniel Daniels loved me the way I knew he did, he would show up.
So I would wait. Even if that meant waiting until the sun fell down and led the world into abyss, I would patiently wait. Knowing that, no matter what, he would do everything in his power to meet me.
I heard his footsteps, and when I looked up, I saw his face. “Sorry I’m late.”
The sniffles were coming back, and when I felt his hands wrap around my lower back, I pressed into him, forming our bodies together.
“I’m sad,” I said breathily.
He rested his chin on top of my head, soothing me with his loving caresses. “I’m sad, too. So instead of being sad alone, we can be sad together for a little while.” His lips connected with my forehead, and I knew there was no one else in the world I wanted to hold. No one else in the world I wanted to have as mine.
But I would hurt him.
I always hurt people because I never took the time to heal myself.
So I had to leave him.
But it felt so hard to pull away.
“I’ve never been in love before,” I whispered, laying my head against his chest.
His fingers traveled through my hair and ran across my cheek, finding my lips. “I thought I’d been in love before, but I was wrong,” he said, circling my mouth with the tip of his thumb. My hot air brushed against his finger as he continued the simple motion that was driving me insane. “Before you, I never truly loved. I’ve never believed in eternity until I found you, Sweets. Ashlyn Jennings, you’re my forever always.”
“No,” I whispered, on the verge of crying. “Daniel, somebody knows.”
His eyes looked down to mine and I felt his worry wash over me. Or maybe it was my own worry. Sometimes our feelings were so in sync it was hard to tell them apart.
“How?”
“The train station yesterday. They saw us.”
His hand brushed over his face and he nodded, taking in the information. “Okay.”
That’s all he said.
I narrowed my eyes. “Daniel, he wants to tell! He wants to get you in trouble!”
His shoulders fell and his sweet blue eyes locked with mine. “I’ve been thinking about quitting, Ashlyn. I can just do my music to make a living. My parents had a little saved up, too. I’ll sell their house. I can find another job or something. That way I can give you everything you need. We can make this work. I can hold you when you need to be held. I can kiss you and not worry about who’s watching. I’ll come to California to be with you.”
“Daniel,” I said nervously. “You can’t sell that house… It’s your home. And you love teaching.”
“No, I love you. You are all that matters.”
He was going to give up everything he’d worked for, everything he was, to choose me.
That’s when I knew what I had to do.
My voice cracked. “I’m ruining your life.”
The walls felt as if they were closing in. I felt chains wrapping around my heart as I slowly started to un-invite Daniel inside of me.
“No…” his voice choked out. I felt his nerves. He knew where this was going.
“My mom’s doing better. But she’s alone down there. I should go back, go home.”
His fingers wrapped around mine and lay against my chest. “This is home, Ashlyn. We are home.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t—” His voice shook. “I don’t understand. I know things are a mess, but…” Tears burned down his cheeks and he stepped away.
“I don’t know who I am right now, Daniel.” My voice was shaky, broken. “I went from having a twin, to having you, and there has never been a time for me to learn what it means to be alone. And I need to try. I need to try to be alone for awhile to prove to myself that I can stand on my own.”
“I understand that, I really do…but…” He wiped his eyes and turned away from me. His hands landed on his waist, and I watched the deep inhales and heavy exhales he was taking. “How can I fix this? How can I make you stay?” He looked back to me. “I’ll give up my world for you, Ash. I’ll give it all up.”
“Daniel…what if I gave up going to California for school?” I whispered.
He declined that offer, telling me that California was all I ever wanted, it was my dream. I moved over to him and brushed my fingers against his cheeks. My hands wrapped around his neck and I pulled his mouth to mine, kissing him hard, feeling his tears hit my lips.
“I know.” I swallowed hard. “Don’t ask me to be the reason you give up everything.”
“How am I supposed to keep going? Without seeing you every day? Without you?”
My hands landed on his chest. “Start slow,” I said. “Maybe we were just meant to get each other through the darkness.”
“I don’t believe that,” he argued.
I frowned. “It was Jake Kenn. You’ll have to talk to him. I can’t be the reason you lose everything you worked so hard to get.”
He chuckled nervously. “I’ve lost worse.”
My footsteps away from Daniel were the most painful steps I’d ever taken. The walls were whispering to me, mocking me with the debilitating truths of Daniel’s and my fate. There were so many times I wanted to turn back to him and take back my words. But I knew I’d made the right decision.
Because if it were the wrong decision, my heart wouldn’t hurt this much.