And I’ll ask you a question,
You can tell me the truth.
Are you thinking of me when I’m fighting for you?
~ Romeo’s Quest
Two more hours passed of hiding out in the bathroom crying, stressing myself out with the idea that Daniel was my teacher.
I also cried due to the bullies attacking me, because what could be more fun than being mean to the assistant principal’s daughter?
I cried because I was lonely and sad and I missed my mom so much even though she probably didn’t miss me.
I cried because Gabby was dead.
And then I cried because that’s all I seemed to know how to do anymore.
I cried so hard I was surprised I still had tears to cry. After blowing my nose for the twentieth time, I wiped my eyes and headed to the cafeteria.
There was a silver lining in the day—I wasn’t forced to eat lunch by myself. Hailey was sitting at the back table near the tennis trophies. She smiled my way and waved me over.
“Hey, Ashlyn. I see you found our table.” She slapped the spot across from her and told me to drop my tray down. With one swift movement, Hailey reached for my plate, picked up my chicken patty, and threw it to the ground. “Not real meat.”
My eyes darted to my now dirty chicken patty and I frowned. I was okay with not-real meat when I was this hungry. My stomach rumbled and I reached for one of the fries on my plate, shoving it into my mouth.
“So how’s your first day going?”
“It’s okay. I’m fine.” I really wanted to tell her that I felt like crawling into a ball because high school could be tough at times, I had bullies already, and my teacher was my current crush… But I didn’t want to scare her off.
“I know, it sucks, right? This whole town kind of sucks, but you get used to it.”
“That’s scary. Getting used to sucking.”
“Well, it’s not the sucking that’s scary. It’s the swallowing that’s the real bitch,” Ryan grinned as he walked up to our conversation. “What’s going on, hookers?” He pulled up a chair to our table and took some of my fries.
I turned to see Daniel sitting at the table in the middle of the lunchroom. Of course he would be on lunch duty. I rolled my eyes as my shoulders slumped, and I shoved more fries into my mouth.
“Whoa, slow down, Chicago. Or else you’ll pick up the Wisconsin fifteen,” Ryan said, sliding my tray away from me. He then proceeded to eat more of my fries.
Ryan and Hailey were definitely siblings—their brown wavy hair and blue eyes were a dead giveaway—but they were pretty much the complete opposite of one another. Hailey was quiet and reserved. Ryan was a freaking monkey, in the best possible ways.
“I broke up with Tony.” He pouted for a second, looking truly pained, before turning to the lunch lady a few feet away from us. “Are all the nachos gone?! Rwanda baby! I told you to save me nachos! Geez! It’s so hard to live in a world like this.” His head dramatically slammed against the table, which he followed up with sounds of his fake cries.
“You broke up with Tony? I thought you liked Tony!” Hailey exclaimed, confused by her brother’s sudden change of heart.
I was trying to deal with the sudden fact that Ryan liked boys. Unless Tony was actually Toni—which could be short for Antonia, Catriona, Antonina, Antonietta...
“Oh, I did. I liked him fine. But then the a*shole had to go and f*ck that up by saying he loved me. I mean, can you believe that? Loved me. How over the top and dramatic can one person get? I mean, hell. Lust at seventeen, sure. Sex buddies at eighteen, shit yeah. But love? Love doesn’t enter anyone’s life until you turn forty-two, add fifty pounds to your body, and start complaining about the younger generations. Once someone can put up with your forty-two-year-old annoying ass and nasty farts, you know that’s real love.” He paused. “Hot pockets, Rwanda baby? Anything?” Ryan shouted, and Rwanda looked terrified for letting him down. Ryan’s shoulders sank and he threw a balled-up napkin at the poor worker behind the counter. “Oh, plus, I slept with Tony and for some reason Tony got all weird about that.”
Wait—so there were two Tonys? It was hard to keep up with Ryan’s mind.
Hailey shook her head toward her brother, but I didn’t think she was shocked at all. “Keep it in your pants, Ryan.”
His hand flew to his chest and his eyes narrowed in fright. “Why the hell would I do that when others are so kindly inviting me into theirs? Plus, the idea of collecting spider webs down there like my sissy isn’t very pleasing.”
I giggled at that. I liked how Ryan was so dirty in all the right ways. Hailey’s cheeks turned pink, and she shoved me, “What are you laughing at? I doubt your va-jay-jay is getting any more action than mine.”
I opened my mouth to object, but I shut it quickly. Well, she wasn’t wrong.
Ryan groaned. “Hails, don’t say va-jay-jay. It’s a vagina. It’s also where some guys like to put their penis—which, for the life of me, I cannot understand, but whatever. We aren’t twelve anymore.”
She blushed even more. “I know that…”
“Prove it. Penis-vagina game, happening right now.” He challenged her, slamming his fist against the table, and she rolled her eyes. I didn’t know why, but I got the idea that this was a normal interaction between the siblings, and I sat back, watching it take place.
Hailey saw her brother pushing her, and she accepted, even though she would probably lose. Ryan explained to me that the penis-vagina game had been played by the pair in many settings. It started at a whisper—Ryan saying penis, Hailey muttering vagina—and it built up until ultimately someone screamed the word or until someone chickened out.
“Penis,” Ryan whispered, his brown eyes stuck on his sister.
“Vagina,” Hailey sang sweetly, showing that she could in fact say the word.
“Penis,” he hissed, growing louder.
I watched Hailey’s body tighten up as she glanced around the room, eyeing how many people were here.
“Vagina,” she said a hair louder than the last.
This continued until the next stage was the screaming.
“PENIS PENIS PENIS!” Ryan stood up and screamed, flailing his arms above his hands victoriously, because the shade of Hailey’s face told him that there was no way she was going to challenge that.
“Ryan!” Daniel shot him a stern look.
Ryan winked in return. He fell back into his chair, pleased by the attention he grabbed. I leaned back in my chair, nervous that Daniel was looking our way.
“You’re such an a*shole, Ryan,” Hailey muttered, crossing her arms in a hissy fit.
“You love me, youngin’,” he said, rubbing his hand on the top of her head, giving her a slight reminder that he was older than she was.
I was still confused. “So…you’re gay?”
The two paused and looked my way. I shifted around from the uncomfortable glares they were giving me. Hailey cleared her throat. “We don’t use labels at this table, Ashlyn.”
“Yeah. How would you like it if we called you straight? Or white? Or a bookworm? Or watermelon?”Ryan said, snatching up some more fries.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—” I stuttered, feeling guilty for having said the wrong thing.
“It’s okay. We don’t apologize at this table either. Because we know harm is never the intent.” Hailey smiled, picked up all of her fries from her tray, and placed them on mine.
“So…can I ask another question?” I said warily.
Ryan shoved me in the shoulder. “Go for it.”
“Tony got mad at you because you slept with Tony?”
They both laughed at me, and Ryan snatched up the fries Hailey had given me. Note to self: Don’t sit next to Ryan.
“Tony is the name I give to all of the guys I date. Most of them aren’t really comfortable with the world of Edgewood knowing what we do…and I’m not looking to out anyone. Besides, I’m not even out.”
Hailey jumped in to explain. “Our mom is kind of—”
“Close-minded,” Ryan said, finishing her thought. “She comes from a pretty religious background, and being gay? Not really high on her list of family blessings. She doesn’t even know that Hailey—”
“Studies Buddhism.” Hailey smiled, finishing Ryan’s thought now. I wondered how often they did that without even knowing it. “She thinks my painted ceiling is so I can be closer to God.”
“You two are pretty complicated.” I paused. “So you’re not a womanizer.”
“A manizer,” Ryan smirked. “I told you. They tag you as something you’re not. I was tagged as a guy who liked vaginas. Gross, right?”
I chuckled. “So how many Tonys are there?”
“If I tell you, you’ll think I’m a slut.” Ryan grinned.
“If you don’t tell me, I’ll think you’re a bigger slut.” I grabbed some fries from his tray and shoved them into my mouth. He looked at me with narrowed eyes and then turned to his sister.
“I like this girl.”
Hailey smiled and crossed her arms as she leaned back in her chair. “Yeah, me too.”
“Going to get more food. Be back soon.” Ryan stood from his chair. He didn’t go to the lunch line though. He went table to table where people greeted him with hugs and high-fives. From the looks of it, everyone liked Ryan, and I could completely understand why.
Hailey frowned as she watched her brother leave the table. “Don’t let his loud, silly personality fool you. He’s a lot more sensitive then he puts on. And I doubt he cheated on Tony.”
“Why do you say that?”
She shrugged. “Because I’d never seen two people who loved each other so quietly.”
I didn’t know what she meant by that. But I figured over time she would explain it more. “What about you Hailey? What were you tagged as?” I asked.
“Oh, a girl who has a weird infatuation with her brother.” She paused and rolled her eyes. “Two years ago, when I was a freshman, I was super overweight, awkward, and had no friends really. I ate alone in the cafeteria every day. Until Ryan ditched his friends and joined me.”
Well…that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. Maybe I would start to crush on Ryan—I had a way of going for unavailable men.
“And then I made some new friends, got a boyfriend. But eating with Ryan just felt safe… I don’t know what I’m going to do next year after he graduates.”
When Ryan returned, his entire being was different. His hands formed fists and he slammed them against the table. “Is that Lia over there, Hailey?”
Her lips hardened as she looked across the lunchroom and stared at someone. I followed her stare. Our eyes landed on a guy with shaggy hair who had his hands all over another girl. Kisses on the neck, kisses on the lips—all kinds of public groping.
Hailey nodded, her eyes watering over. “Yes.”
“Who’s Lia?” She looked familiar to me, yet I wasn’t sure how.
“My, um, best friend.” Hailey released one tear and wiped it away fast as we all watched Lia’s head fall backwards from something the guy had whispered against her ear.
“I’m going to kill him,” Ryan muttered, stepping away from the table. The veins in his neck started to pop out the more he came to realize what was happening. I was still trying to catch up. Hailey reached for her brother’s arm and stopped him.
“No, Ryan,” she ordered. “You know he’ll out you.”
“I don’t care,” he said, his anger clouding his judgment.
“Well, I do,” Hailey commanded, making him sit back down.
“Who is that?” I asked.
Hailey sighed. “My boyfriend, Theo. And my best friend, who he cheated on me with.”
That’s how I knew both of them. They were each sitting in framed pictures next to Hailey’s bed. I replayed her words in my mind. A*sholes. “When did you find out?”
“About…two seconds ago.”
In a flash of revelation, I saw what Lia was—a girl who had no respect for the term ‘friendship.’ There were rules that came with being a friend, right? They were pretty much the same rules that came with being a twin. Like always hate the guy who broke your best friend’s heart. Always back up your friend in public, even if they were wrong. And never date your best friend’s boyfriend. Lia wasn’t a best friend—she was a snake waiting to slither her way in between Hailey’s relationship.
I hated her and the boy already.
My eyes traveled over to Daniel, who was staring at me. My heart leaped.
Did I mention how I hated that Daniel was still ignoring me? And I hated how he cared more about Henry being the assistant principal than he did about my feelings? And how he wouldn’t talk to me, but he felt bad for me because I was being bullied?
And did I mention how much I hated being bullied because of my body—which I’d had no choice in creating? I hated watermelons. I hated that I wasn’t invisible to the bullies. I hated the guys who’d added to my tears in the bathroom earlier.
I officially hated boys, banmoys, and Lia.
And Gabby.
I hated her for dying.
Sigh. I didn’t hate Gabby. I missed her.
It wasn’t right. None of it was. Yet I felt like I could only do something about one of the issues at hand. I stood up from my chair and marched toward Theo. My fist took the form Ryan’s had held a moment before.
For a split second, I glanced toward Daniel, who was staring at me with a confused look. Just seeing his perfect eyes made my heart rate increase and my anger rise. Once I reached Theo, I tapped him on the shoulder.
He turned to me, looking ridiculous with his ‘hippie’ bracelets and necklaces and his dirty hair. “Do I know—”
I took his water bottle and splashed it in his face. The cafeteria gasped as they turned to stare at us. “That’s for being a manwhore.” I picked up his vegan salad and dumped it on his head. “That’s for lying and cheating on her with her ex-best friend in front of her!” Then I picked up Lia’s hot grilled cheese and separated it with the intentions of smearing her face in it, but my hands were grabbed.
“Ashlyn! Stop it!” Daniel yelled, standing behind me.
“Let me go!” I screamed as I tried to yank myself from his hold, tears filling my eyes. I threw the grilled cheese in Lia’s face. “She’s still calling you her best friend, you slut! There are rules. There are rules to being someone’s best, and you chose the dirty hippie over a girl who has your picture framed on her dresser! You’re not a friend! You’re a whore!”
Theo tossed his hands up in uncertainty, a piece of lettuce hanging near his mouth. “Who the hell are you?”
“I’m a girl with feelings, you a*shole!” I screamed before getting pulled back by Daniel.
“Ashlyn! Principal’s office! Now!” Daniel hollered in the now silent lunchroom.
I looked at him with tears rolling down my cheeks. I blinked and I could have sworn I saw Gabby standing behind him giving me a small, sad smile. The tears came faster as I pushed myself from Daniel’s grip and marched away toward the office.
“You what?!” Henry screamed as I sat across from him at his desk. He must have snuck outside to his car for a smoke break. I could smell it on his clothing. I sank into the seat and rolled my eyes.
“I thought I was going to be talking to the principal?” I sassed. I hated how sassy I always was with him. But I couldn’t make it stop.
“Yeah, well, he’s busy not dealing with two-year olds,” Henry shot back, pacing his office.
I glanced down to his desk, where he had pictures of Rebecca, Ryan, and Hailey. Henry caught my stare and sighed. He sat down in his chair and clasped his hands together.
“Look, Ashlyn. I get it. You miss your sister. You’re dealing with a lot of things being thrown your way with the relocation. You’re mourning…” He paused. “Don’t you think I miss her, too?”
I found his eyes and they locked in with mine. He didn’t know what missing Gabby meant because he hadn’t been there to begin with.
I reached into the pocket on my dress and pulled out the bucket list. I laid it down on his desk. “You were number three on her list. Out of everything she wanted to do, she wanted to forgive you the most.” I lifted the family photo from his desk and studied it. “I didn’t.”
He picked up the piece of paper and stared at it. After reading, he placed it back down and rubbed the corners of his eyes. “I get it. You’re angry,” he sighed, seriousness lurking in the depths of his eyes. “You’re pissed off. But don’t take it out on the rest of the world.”
He didn’t see it, did he? My longing to call him Dad.
I did my best to mask my broken heart from seeing that he had no pictures of Gabby or me on his desk. I did my best to mask my broken heart from the fact that I really knew number three on Gabby’s bucket list was based on me forgiving Henry, not her. I hated that I was so stubborn and couldn’t just speak to him about it. Say something! my mind screamed. Speak! it cried. But I doubted we had the type of relationship where words would fix anything.
“Fine. Whatever.” I stared at the yellow dandelions swaying left and right outside of his office window. They looked so free based on how they moved, yet I knew their roots were holding them in place, making sure they didn’t dance too far away. He didn’t even cry at her funeral. What kind of father didn’t cry at his daughter’s funeral? “Are we done?”
He kept a hard stare on me and then blinked. “Yes. We’re done. Get back to lunch.”
I stood up and walked out of his office. In the hallway, I sighed when I saw Daniel standing outside his classroom. We locked eyes and I turned to go the other way. I heard his footsteps growing closer and I stood still.
“Can I help you?” I questioned inimically. In the history of bad first days of school, I had to hold the record for the worst one ever.
“Theo Robinson is in my first hour. I can already tell he can be a real prick. And he’s not the brightest kid.” Daniel slid his thumb across the bridge of his nose. He glanced down the hallways to make sure no one was watching and moved an inch away from me—just to be safe. “He thought Macbeth was some kind of new McDonald’s sandwich and scolded me for forcing him to study the manslaughter of cows.” He snickered to himself, but he looked so sad.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
He ran his hand over his face and cursed under his breath. Merged in an unutterable sadness and confusion, he shrugged. “I don’t know.” He frowned perplexedly. “I don’t even know what this means.”
“And you think I do? You think this is easy for me?”
“Of course not.”
“Listen. It’s not like anything really happened between us anyway,” I lied. “I’ll pretend it never happened,” I lied again. “Only if you promise not to look past me as if I don’t exist. I can deal with the bullies. I can’t deal with you ignoring me.”
His hand ran across his mouth before he crossed his arms and stepped a few inches closer to me. “Your eyes are puffy. I made you cry.”
My skin prickled by his proximity. “Life made me cry.” I hugged my books closer to me and closed my eyes. “’When we are born, we cry that we are to come to this great stage of fools,’” I quoted from Shakespeare’s King Lear.
“You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met.”
I sighed. “You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met.” I paused. “I’m not stupid, Daniel. I know that we…can’t be anything. And I would switch out of your class but Henry made sure that I was placed in it.”
“Yeah…” he said. “I just wish I didn’t like you so much.”
I didn’t know why, but I felt like crying when he said that. Because I liked him too. We had connected on Saturday. At least I had… He’d awakened me after I’d been asleep for so long.
“I would never jeopardize your job,” I promised. I didn’t know how it happened, but somehow we were closer, so close that I could smell his clean soap from his shower that morning. Did I step forward or did he? Either way, neither of us was going to step back. I closed my eyes and allowed his scents to wash over me, bathing me in fantasy and false hope.
When my eyes reopened, I saw his stare, strong and determined. He took my arm and pulled me around a corner. We went through a door to an empty staircase. He glanced up and down the stairs before he pressed his mouth against mine. My lips instantly separated and my tongue twirled against his.
My fingers ran through his hair, bringing back my ‘Joe’s bar’ Daniel and making Mr. Daniels disappear for a moment in time. His hand gripped around my back. Kissing him in the silent stairwell felt dangerous, but safe. Adventurous, however idiotic. Depressing, yet real.
When he withdrew his mouth from mine and stepped back, we both knew that what we had done couldn’t happen again. He bit the corner of his mouth and shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Ashlyn.” The bell rang before I could reply, and he went on his way and I went on mine.
The saddest part?
I’d missed him before he’d even left.