—Eating something sweet will make you feel better.
—What, are you drunk?
—No, we had our work dinner, but I didn’t drink.
Uninvited, he shoved his way into the apartment, rubbing up against me, and popped a sky-blue macaron into my mouth. I chewed it. It was sweet, really sugary to me, and I don’t like sweet things, which made my face, already scrunched from sleep, scrunch even harder.
Gyu-ho gently rubbed the frown on my forehead with his finger. I could smell the sweetness on his cold hands. He said:
—Do you want to go out?
—Are you crazy? I need more sleep.
—You’ve had plenty of sleep.
—What do you know?
—I’ve been calling you since midnight.
—(The missed calls.) What if I wasn’t picking up?
—Please shut up and let’s go.
Gyu-ho’s pleading eyes and words were practically pushing me out the door. And I know I look like a stubborn ass, but I’m actually fairly sheeplike, being your standard Korean who managed to complete the state-mandated primary education curriculum and all. I took a deep breath, threw on a padded jacket over a tracksuit I normally wore as pajamas, and let myself be dragged by the hand outside, muttering all the way.
There weren’t so many people out that early on a weekend, and we went along bantering back and forth:
—Where do you want to go?
—I don’t know either, just so long as it’s someplace not hot.
—It’s the winter and it’s not hot everywhere on the peninsula.
—I want to see more of Seoul.
—You’re seeing it right now.
Then I suddenly thought of a place. Sliding my hands into the hood of Gyu-ho’s padded jacket, I pushed him like a wheelbarrow up a slope. The scent of cigarettes wafted from his hair. In ten minutes, we were at Naksan Park. Gyu-ho’s wide forehead was dewy with sweat. I teased him about him being too young to be out of breath over this little hill (even if we were just a year apart in age), then remembered he’d come here after a whole night of working, which made me feel bad for him. Not that I let him know that. Gyu-ho leaned on the old stone fortress wall.
—I wonder how old this gray stone is?
—Who knows?
Wordlessly, we stood against the ancient wall. I gazed out at the sun that was rising over the horizon, and it dawned on me that the earliest morning light brushed right up against the deepest hour of night. Gyu-ho stared down at Seoul as he spoke, not turning in my direction at all.
It was my dream to come up on land, to come to Seoul, ever since I was a child. I wanted to come to the highest place that I could come.
—There’s Mount Halla right there in Jeju.
—You know . . .
—Yeah?
—Do you . . . want to go out?
—We’re outside right now.
—Don’t make me ask twice. You know exactly what I mean.
I know. I know, and that’s exactly what I wanted to hear, and I do want to . . . The words came right up my throat . . . but there’s a situation that won’t let me be with you. That no matter how much I want to, there’s something I need to say to you first. Something I should have said from the beginning.
I didn’t know if I could say it, but I decided to go with my gut feeling.
—Gyu-ho, before we get serious, there are two things you need to know. The first is that I don’t like sweet things. You don’t need to buy me sweets like macarons. I’d rather have the money.
—Idiot.
—And there’s another thing. Because, the thing is. The thing is.
?
I’ve got Kylie.
Even though I’m known for fretting the small stuff and being the exact opposite over the big things, the first two months after being hit with Kylie made me lose my mind. I was medically discharged from the army and lying alone in my room, wondering if this really was my life now, if this was mine now. But you know, what more is there to it? There’s medicine for it. I decided to pretend I was taking a vitamin every morning for the rest of my life. Sexwise, I just needed to put on a condom. Every person with any education or manners does those two things anyway. And I’d got to finish my national service in six months instead of other people’s two years, so let’s think of it as a lucky break. That was the extent of my thinking. I told my mother and the T-ara gang that I’d been discharged early for a ruptured disc. Because I had bad posture and did have a back problem, anyway. Apparently not all of them were total idiots because one of them did ask.
—What the fuck? Did you catch the bug?
—Oh no! You’re on to me!
We cackled it away. When I drank with them, and some guy rumored to be poz passed by, our resident clown Eun-jung would say, “Everyone cover your glasses,” and we’d all burst out laughing. I’d laugh along until I remembered, Oh right, I’ve got it in me, too, which sent a chill down my spine. But mostly I don’t really think about it that much. I’ve had Kylie for five years, which means she’s like family to me. Maybe even more family than family. We share the same blood vessels, partake of the same nourishment, draw the same breath—she is me, in other words. Another me. She’ll be me until I die, even after I die. And she has to be mine alone . . .
—If you want to go out with me, you have to know this. That I am me, and I am Kylie as well. You’re the first person I’ve ever had to tell this to. But don’t let that pressure you. Not that I’m in a position to say this, seeing how I got to where I am by trusting a man too much, but I’m only telling you because I trust you for some weird reason. If you think this is too much, that’s only natural, it’s as natural as nature itself, it’s all right if you leave now. Just keep it a secret for me. So I can keep having my life as it is now. Just remember me as some hairy guy living near Naksan Park. Or better, just forget all about me. Forget there was ever someone like me in your life and keep going to your You Sulhee Nursing Academy during the week and pouring drinks on the weekends.
Gyu-ho said nothing for a long time, seriously, not a single thing, moving not even an eyelash as he stared down at Seoul, and I paused briefly to think about what to say next before speaking again.
—OK, I’ll get going. Go sightseeing for a bit and think about it and give me a call. Or not, if you don’t want to bother. It’s fine.
Pretending I really was fine, I followed the ancient wall back down into the city. The twisting, motion sickness–inducing path my feet were inefficiently walking me down made my legs feel strangely as if they were about to give way, and why was I biting my lips, my chin trembling? The walk was much farther than I’d thought. As I was thinking about just putting one foot in front of the other, a hand grabbed my shoulder. And when I turned my head, Gyu-ho was by my side, and his face, usually at eye-level, was a handspan above mine, since he was higher up on the path. From his small eyes fell large teardrops.
—How could you just say that like it’s nothing?
—It really is nothing. Compared to all the other stuff life hits you with.
—Still . . . Why do you say it with a smile? It makes me sad.