It was as if Shirley had flipped a switch, and Lily was suddenly back in the clutch of their group of friends. In the weeks after the trip to Sutro’s, Shirley monopolized almost all of Lily’s free time. She had to accompany Shirley to fill out the Miss Chinatown application; she had to meet with their friends to form their Miss Chinatown committee; and those committee meetings inevitably turned into gatherings at Fong Fong’s where the boys joined them. Even Lily’s walks home after school had been claimed; Shirley almost always looked for her now.
That meant Lily had less time to spend with Kath, and as the days turned into weeks, Lily felt increasingly out of sorts. At first, being back in Shirley’s good graces had been comfortable and familiar, but it didn’t last. Aunt Judy had sent Lily another issue of Collier’s, and the articles in the magazine made Lily wonder if she should major in aeronautical engineering in college, instead of math. She thought about talking to Shirley about it, but she knew that Shirley wouldn’t be interested, and she might even be resentful of Lily’s aspirations. When she was younger, Lily had accepted the differences between her and Shirley, because they had been the same in all the important ways. But now their differences seemed so vast, maybe even insurmountable. She wondered if she would have felt this way if she hadn’t become friends with Kath.
And yet, as the end of the semester crawled ever closer, Lily began to worry that a distance was growing between her and Kath. She was understanding when Lily couldn’t walk home with her, but after several cancellations, she stopped waiting for Lily after school. Of course, they hadn’t been friends for very long; perhaps their friendship was simply shrinking back to the way it was before. Kath had her own friends, including the G.A.A. girls she ate lunch with, although Lily had gotten the impression that her closest friends, like Jean, had graduated last year. Lily wondered if Kath was going to the Telegraph Club with them, and the thought raised a strange jealousy in her while another part of her sank into a fatalistic gloom. The only thing she could conclude was that she didn’t understand how her friendship with Kath worked, but whatever was happening—or not happening—felt wrong.
By the last day of school before Christmas vacation, Lily hadn’t really talked to Kath outside of class since early December, though Kath was still perfectly friendly to her during school. Lily hoped to find Kath before the Christmas assembly, but there had been no time that morning, and then she was almost late to the assembly itself. Miss Weiland was waving at her to hurry as she rushed through the doors into the auditorium.
“Lily, over here!”
Shirley was down near the front of the auditorium, in the third row near the middle. As Lily made her way down the aisle, she finally saw Kath. She knew Kath saw her too, because their eyes slipped past each other almost furtively. Lily wanted to go over to Kath right now, but she couldn’t. She had to edge through Shirley’s row, bumping against knees while apologizing, to the seat that Shirley had saved beside her. Their friends were all here too; there was Flora sitting smugly on Shirley’s left, with Hanson beside her, and Mary looking unusually sour-faced.
As Lily sat down, Shirley said to her, “We’re going to my house after school, not Flora’s. You’re coming, right?”
“Of course,” Lily said, but she was still thinking about Kath. She had to find her after school; otherwise she wouldn’t see her until after Christmas break.
The assembly began with the choir singing Christmas carols before the sophomore class’s Nativity scene. Lily twitched in her seat, worrying about whether she had somehow made Kath angry by reconciling with Shirley. It was clear that Shirley didn’t like Kath, and the feeling was probably mutual. Or maybe Lily had done something wrong the last time they’d gone to the Telegraph Club. She remembered sitting silently at the table and listening to Jean and that woman Rhonda saying all those things she hadn’t understood about dykes and paying the cops. Maybe Kath was embarrassed to be seen with someone as na?ve as Lily. The thought made her shrivel up inside, certain that she had ruined their friendship.
After the Nativity scene ended, the dance club trotted onstage in their pink ballet slippers to the music from The Nutcracker. The girls in their pink tutus twirled with varying skill, kicking up their legs exuberantly as they spun. Each time they kicked, their tutus flew up, exposing their black leotards beneath in brief dark flashes. Lily had seen the dance club’s Nutcracker routine every Christmas throughout high school, but this year she was newly aware of what she was watching. The girls’ legs and the shadows between them; the curves of their thighs and calves; the cleavage made visible by their low-cut leotards. The dancers must have always looked like this, but Lily felt as if this was the first time she truly saw them: the weight of their bodies; their aliveness and the warmth of their pink skin. A couple of boys in the row ahead of Lily whistled and hooted, and when a teacher came down the aisle to shush them, Lily dropped her gaze to her knees as if she had been admonished herself. There was a difference between those boys’ whistles and what she had been thinking, but she wasn’t sure why or how. She only knew she felt caught, and her face flushed. She was glad the auditorium was dark.
Her mind flitted back to the club, remembering Kath’s pleased expression after Rhonda had called her a baby butch. Lily had understood that at a gut level; she had seen it not only in Kath’s hint of a smile but in the way she held her body. Almost like Tommy.
* * *
—
“I’ll meet you at your locker in a few minutes,” Lily told Shirley as they left the assembly.