CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Kyland
Things were out of hand with Tenleigh. I couldn't stop myself from craving her—her voice, her thoughts, her laughter, her smell, her taste, her delectable body, her lips—just her. I'd done the exact thing I'd vowed not to do—I'd formed an attachment that I wouldn't be able to simply leave behind in a couple months. An attachment? Hell, I was practically obsessed with her. I was screwed, completely royally screwed. And yet, I would leave her behind. That's exactly what I'd do. Because anything else was unthinkable. I felt like I was drowning in her, and just like a drowning person, my instinct was to thrash and resist—fight. Fight this thing that had taken over my body and my heart. Fight her.
I sat staring blindly out at the town below from the hill Tenleigh and I had sledded on months before . . . the day I'd started something with her, there was no turning back from.
From here, the town far below looked like it could offer a life to Tenleigh and me. From here, you couldn't see the garbage and the poverty, the misery, and the unspeakable things that went on behind closed doors in the dark of the night. I put my head in my hands and raked my fingers through my hair. I was crumbling.
You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope.
Oh yes.
I had read those words in Persuasion and I'd almost repeated them to her as I gazed at her tender face, her lips swollen and red with my kisses, her eyes full of something I knew was love. I'd stopped myself. It wouldn't be fair. I'd let her in, in ways I'd never let anyone in. But I hadn't made love to her. And I hadn't told her I loved her or let her say it to me. I vowed to let that be the barrier between us that would allow me to walk out of here with at least a part of my heart intact, still in possession of at least one part of me she didn't own. That'd be the part that would spur my feet forward, away.
I had tried so hard to resist her, but I was too weak and too selfish. And now we were both going to pay the price when I left.
Maybe we could be together . . . someday. Someday when I'd seen the world, when I'd found out what type of life I could have away from here. There had to be places filled with happiness, with hope. Although, if I was completely honest with myself, Tenleigh had given me just a little bit of that back. For so very, very long I'd pushed the memories of my parents and Silas away. They were too painful, filled with too much grief. And with the bad, I'd had to push away the good. I couldn't separate them in my mind. But then she'd come along, and she'd helped me do that . . . somehow without even meaning to. And now these hills felt different for the first time in four years. A few weeks ago when I'd been walking home from school, I'd caught sight of a bunny scurrying under a bush, and a memory hit me all at once, so suddenly that I halted and stood there staring off into the woods as if I'd been hit over the head. One year when I was about ten and Silas was fifteen, we had seen an injured baby bunny hopping across the road. We'd caught it and brought it home, keeping it in the old shed behind our house. We fed it milk from an eye dropper and eventually, soft vegetables. We named him "Bugs," and once he got strong enough we let him out of the shed, dropping him off on the side of the road near where we'd found him. Silas had said that he'd have a better chance of finding his bunny family that way. I'd cried and Silas had called me a big ol’ baby, but he'd put his arm around my shoulders as we'd walked back home.
A few years later, though, Silas and I had been sitting outside one night, my mama and dad inside fighting. Silas had just turned eighteen and was about to graduate, and he was planning on going to work in the mine. My dad did okay, we had what we needed. But we hadn't been able to afford college for Silas. "Just a few months, Ky," he'd whispered. "Just until I've got enough money to get us out of here and then we'll leave. We won't look back. Where do you want to go?"
"New York City," I'd answered, just like I always did.
He'd nodded as if it was the first time he'd heard me say it. "Then that's where we'll go. I just need a couple months of my wages and we'll hit the road, baby bro. You'll never work in those mines. You'll do something big, something great, something that really matters. And who knows—maybe I will, too."
I'd nodded and suddenly, off to our right we saw movement and when we swiveled our heads, there was a rabbit. He sat right at the edge of our yard, watching us for a minute and then he limped off. And in my heart, I'd known it was Bugs. And seeing him there was like a sign that everything was going to be okay. Life could injure you, but you could get up again if you were strong enough, and especially if you had the right person to help you out. Silas had put his hand on my shoulder and we'd sat that way until the house was quiet again and it was safe to go back inside.
I owed it not only to myself, but also to my brother, to make a life somewhere else. I'd live the life he'd been denied—I'd live the life he'd dreamed about living. And maybe if Tenleigh had to stay here, someday I'd come back for her. Or maybe she'd fade away into a sweet memory. Maybe she'd meet some decent guy in Evansly who worked the mines and they'd make a couple babies. And sure, they'd struggle and have to scrape together rent money sometimes, and she'd buy her kids clothes from the bargain rack at Wal-Mart, but they'd be happy enough and— Fuck no!
I wanted to roar with the anger and frustration those thoughts brought me, making me feel more desperate than I'd ever felt in my miserable life. Tenleigh Falyn. Beautiful, hopeful, smart, fiery, tenderhearted Tenleigh Falyn deserved a life better than the scraping and struggling she'd always done. I put my head back in my hands. This was an impossible situation. Picturing her enduring a lifetime of hardship made me feel violent. I picked up a pinecone on the ground next to me and threw it as hard as I could off the hill to the trees below. Distantly, I heard it hit something, but it was a soft, unsatisfying sound.
After a few minutes I stood up and headed home, my hands stuffed in my pockets. A warm breeze blew, and the ground was scattered with the wildflowers Tenleigh loved so much. Spring had officially arrived.
Finals were right around the corner and I had a lot of studying to do. But honestly, I wasn't worried. I knew all the material so well I could recite it in my sleep. I'd be shocked if I wasn't chosen to win that scholarship. My academic record was nothing less than perfect. I'd made sure of that, despite the fact that I was living in a constant rotating state of euphoria/agony, and despite the fact that most of the time my mind was focused on the constant ache between my legs—an ache that was only going to be satisfied if I plunged into Tenleigh's tight body. I shook my head at myself and pursed my lips. "No," I spoke out loud. "Just no." You think things are bad for you now, Kyland, possess her that way and then try to leave her here. I made a choking sound in my throat as I felt acid rising from my stomach.
Somehow I'd resisted that so far, and I wouldn't back down now. I took a deep cleansing breath of mountain air just as my house came into view. I passed by Tenleigh's trailer and resisted going to her door and knocking. I picked up my pace so my traitorous body wouldn't make the choice for me. She'd probably wondered where I was after school today. I'd been ducking out the back door and taking the long way home—alone—so I could avoid her. She hadn't said anything, but I was sure she was probably hurt. I needed to start hurting her in small ways, though. She needed to understand what was happening and start pulling away from me like I was pulling away from her. That way, at least it would be easier than ripping the Band-Aid off in a couple months. A couple months and I'd never see her again. Desperation raced through my veins.
I heard feminine laughter drifting out of the trailer and something inside me rejoiced as much as it squeezed in pain and longing. Tenleigh.
Half agony, half hope.
Half pain, half ecstasy.
Half grief, half joy.
Half my downfall, half my savior.