‘Okay, a not-so-wild-and-adventurous list, then. But to me, this has been the biggest adventure. Learning what matters most to me, when it comes down to it. Which is creating a safe, welcoming place to call home, spending time with people I love, knowing who I am and what I like, and making time for that. Helping people by sharing my skills and letting them reciprocate that kindness. Having the courage to step out of my comfort zone, even if that is just the other side of the hedge. I don’t want to travel the world having fantastical experiences. I want my adventures to be right here, to put down roots and build something solid that will last. Is there a bigger risk than choosing to be yourself, however boring or peculiar that might be, and allowing other people to know that person, while committing to loving them for the long haul?
‘This summer has taught me that I can do it – I can stand on my own two feet and build a life that I’m proud of. But it’s also taught me that I don’t want to do it alone. That the best thing about life is when we share our dreams and the adventures that are making them come true. So, here’s to a whole new life of adventures, and the people I’ll get to share them with, hopefully including all of you. Thank you so much for still being here at stupid o’clock in the morning. The rain has stopped, so if you don’t mind I’m going to go outside and burn this list now.’
I could still hear them clapping and cheering as I struck the match.
Once the other guests had left, Leanne came outside. She pulled a chair up beside mine, reaching out and taking my hand.
‘Is she asleep?’
‘In the spare bed. Her bed as she calls it. Dad’s crashing at Pia’s. The worst of it is, we’d already decided to come back.’
‘What?’ I twisted round to face her, aware my knuckles were white where they gripped her hand.
‘It was obvious what living there was doing to her. I tried pretending that in time she’d adjust. But it was unbearable to see the life being crushed out of her. Like you said, being true to ourselves is too important. Joan couldn’t be herself there. It was like she predicted, a wild rabbit trapped in a cage. I didn’t know what to do. Trying to get through each day is all can I handle at the moment. Then Mum and Dad said they couldn’t stand it either. They’ve put an offer in on a house with a granny-flat on the other side of the village. We were waiting for it to be accepted before we told Joan, but if this doesn’t go through, we’ll find another one. I still have no idea what the future holds for us. But I know it’s here.’
‘This is turning out to be the best birthday I’ve ever had. Also the worst. But this more than makes up for it. I’m so glad you’re moving back.’ I shifted over to give her a hug. ‘And I mean you.’ I sniffed. ‘As well as Joan.’
‘I haven’t forgotten that I still owe you a good house clean.’
I laughed. ‘What other possible reason would there be for me wishing you were back in Bigley?’
35
The worst of the mess had been cleaned up while I was out looking for Joan. Ebenezer had helped me roll up the dance floor and stack the remaining hire chairs, insisting that it was only to protect his lawn, before he’d shuffled back to Middle Cottage. I was now alone in my beautiful, hand-crafted garden chair, a glass of flat Prosecco in hand and the thick blanket that Aunty Linda had crocheted for my birthday tucked around my knees.
‘Is it okay if I join you?’
Sam’s voice was husky with tiredness. It still managed to generate a shiver of attraction.
I used my foot to push out the nearest chair in invitation.
‘I thought I was the only one left awake.’
Sam picked up an empty glass from the stack waiting to be collected in the morning. I offered him my Prosecco bottle, and he sloshed out the remains before sinking into the chair. ‘I wondered if you might need help tidying up.’
‘I think you’ve helped enough for one night.’ We sat and surveyed the garden for a moment. ‘I know you don’t want to hear this again, but I need to say it…’
Sam visibly braced himself. ‘Are you going to shout at me for acting like a total prick at your party?’
I shook my head, a smile tweaking the corner of my mouth. ‘I was going to say thank you for lugging my dead weight a quarter of a mile through the pouring rain.’
‘The rain had stopped by then.’
‘Oh, well, that makes all the difference. No biggie.’
I met Sam’s eyes in the darkness, the light from the remaining lanterns sending shadows flickering across the contours of his features. Despite the chill of the night, a heat burnt where his gaze held mine. I hadn’t noticed that the rain had stopped when he carried me, because he’d opened his jacket, so that I was pressed up tight against his jumper, my face nestled in the crook of his neck. Feeling the warmth of his chest, I had felt utterly secure in his arms.
‘I am so sorry. For ruining your party.’
I smiled.
‘I forgive you,’ I said. ‘Although I am wondering if we’re still friends. Not that I don’t want to be,’ I added hastily, when Sam started to protest. ‘But ever since we danced, and then I said that I only want to be friends, you’ve acted as if you don’t want to be. It made me question whether you were only ever interested in more, and now you don’t think there’s any point in us hanging out together.’
Sam was silent for a long time. A prickle of fear slid slowly down my back, as I speculated on what could possibly be so awful that it was taking him this long to come out with it.
‘You’re right,’ he said abruptly, causing my heart to plummet. ‘I don’t want to be friends with you.’ He stopped, running an agitated hand through his hair. ‘The more time we’ve spent together, the more I’ve realised that I can’t be friends with you.’
‘Right.’
Well. This was not the happy ending to my birthday I’d been hoping for. Was it too late to knock on Leon’s door?
‘I also…’ He cleared his throat. I almost interrupted to tell him that I really didn’t need to hear the ‘also’, but he carried on before I could.
‘To be clear, I also never wanted a – how did you put it? – a casual fling with you.’
Okay. Good to know.
Sam shuffled his chair around so that he was facing me, and it was about the most excruciating moment of my life. If my ankle hadn’t been so sore, I’d have kicked back the chair and scuttled inside, never to emerge again.
‘My feelings for you couldn’t be more serious.’
What?
What?!