‘Absolutely. Don’t tell Aunty Linda I said that, though,’ I added, knowing full well that she’d have heard before the end of the day, but also knowing that she’d understand the reason I’d said it.
‘Anyway, I mentioned the cushions because I was wondering if you’d have time to make some for me.’ I paused and tried to ignore the voice in my head telling me that this was the stupidest thing I’d ever say. ‘I’d be happy to pay you. Or… I was wondering if you’d like to give them to me as a birthday present?’
‘Oh, now I see!’ Mum cackled. ‘It’s your big special birthday, and you’ve realised that cutting me off means you won’t get a present. What, is Steph busy with her real family? Worried you’ll end up sitting home alone and thought you’d better wheel out Mother?’
‘No, Mum. Please listen to me.’ For the first time ever. ‘I’m having a birthday party, and if you wanted to come along you’d be very welcome. If you don’t want to make the cushions, I’d still like you to come.’
I counted about a thousand thundering heartbeats before she replied.
‘You’re having a party?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you want me to come?’
‘If you’d like to. Please don’t feel obliged.’ I dropped my head onto the closed laptop, resisting the urge to smack it against the cover a few times.
‘Why?’
‘Why do I want you to come?’
‘Yes.’
I straightened up. Mum’s tone had completely flipped again. I’d never heard her like this before. She sounded meek. Contrite. Almost grateful.
‘Because I don’t want to pass a major milestone like turning thirty without my mum being a part of it. I needed some space – I still need space – and I know you don’t understand why, and it hurts you, and I’m genuinely sorry about that. But I’ve missed you, Mum. I’ve never had a birthday without you; it would feel wrong if you weren’t there.’
Another silence.
‘Is it at the place you live now?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you going to block me again once this call is over?’
I blew out as quiet a sigh as I could manage. ‘No. Not unless you start bombarding me with messages.’
‘When is the party?’
‘On my birthday.’
‘Remind me of the date again?’
Keep breathing, Ollie.
‘It’s Saturday nineteenth September. A month away. If you want to come then I’ll send you the details once I’ve sorted them. You’re the first person I’ve invited.’
‘Oh? You’ve not invited Steph?’
‘Not yet.’ Technically true.
‘I’ll check my diary. I’m very busy these days.’
And she was gone. It took longer to dispel the grey cloud now loitering over my head. I was already regretting inviting her. The problem was, I thought that in time I would regret not inviting her even more.
28
I decided to speak to Steph about Mum during our next Saturday breakfast, which meant I could put it to one side for now. Except that was easier said than done, mooching about the house by myself. I really needed some company to help distract me. I was far too nervous to message Sam – it was a Friday night; he surely had plans that didn’t include sitting about wanting to talk to me. Instead, I knocked on Ebenezer’s door.
This evening I was met with a pair of raised eyebrows in lieu of a greeting.
‘Joan’s out and I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go.’ This was true; I’d changed into my jumpsuit, hoping it might help persuade him to accept my offer, and had even put on some make-up and styled my hair into glossy curls. ‘I was wondering if you’d do me the honour of joining me for dinner?’
‘Again?’ He narrowed one eye. ‘Tongues’ll start wagging.’
I threw him a coy look. ‘And why would I care about that?’
‘Don’t want to give a certain forest ranger the impression you’re already spoken for.’
Damn my red-head complexion. I could feel my cheeks betraying me even as I tried to laugh it off. ‘Oh, neither of us are interested in being more than good friends.’
He harumphed. ‘When a man looks at a woman the way he looks at you, it’s not friendship on his mind.’
‘Well, for this evening anyway, I am very free to have dinner with whoever I like, without worrying what the village grapevine might make of it. Will you join me, or have you got a date already lined up?’
‘What’s on the menu?’
‘Leftovers from meals I’ve been brought round. Oh, and there’s blackberry pie for dessert.’
He nodded in approval. ‘I’ll get my shoes on.’
The conversation wasn’t exactly scintillating without Joan’s constant chatter, but we talked about Leanne and her parents, and the work that Ebenezer had been doing in the garden.
‘Now that we’re friends, you could do some gardening during the day, when I’m around, so I could pick up some tips. Joan might even like to help you.’
He pursed his lips. ‘I like doing it early.’
‘What about in winter, when it’s still dark?’
‘Less to be done in winter.’ He took a sip of water. ‘I don’t sleep so well these days. Still not used to an empty bed. Getting out here with the birds and the beasties helps it not seem so…’ I waited while he stared at his plate for a long moment. ‘It’s a bit of company. The kind who don’t ask intrusive questions about how you’re feeling.’
‘Well, I for one am very grateful. But if I can keep thanking you with a meal or a drink from time to time, I’ll try really hard not to ask anything intrusive. Although I can’t vouch for Joan.’
It was another gorgeous summer evening. Sultry and sweet with the scent of honeysuckle, cut grass and the faintest hint of a bonfire from somewhere down the lane. In between the birdsong a distant tractor hummed, and the sky was palest periwinkle.
I curled my bare toes in contentment, my mother’s shadow banished by the glow of the evening sunshine. It had been a hell of a week, but here, sipping coffee with my neighbour, I soaked up the peace and embraced the moment.
I even managed to stop thinking about Sam.
Joan arrived back just after nine, and after a solid fifteen minutes of describing her entire trip out, from the colour of the waiter’s tie to the number of Maltesers on her ice-cream sundae, I escorted her up to bed. Hurrying back down, hoping that Ebenezer hadn’t taken the opportunity to slip back inside now the sun had begun to set, I was offering him another drink before I’d even spotted that the bald head and grumpy T-shirt were now a sun-kissed crop and a checked shirt.
‘Hi!’ I skidded to a stop. Nesbit had no such qualms, running to greet the collies, Scout and Willow, as long-lost friends.
‘Hey!’ Sam jerked to attention, rubbing a hand through his hair as if self-conscious.
‘Your neighbour offered me a drink. Having said that, it was about ten minutes ago.’ He checked his watch.
‘He can be quite slow.’
‘Right.’
‘He can also be quite strange. You’re probably best off having one with me, instead.’
He shifted in the chair. There was a chance I was imagining it, but Sam really did seem a bit awkward. ‘Okay, thanks. That would be great.’
‘Tea, coffee? A beer?’
‘I’ll have whatever you’re having.’