And, possibly, somewhere deep down where I could mostly pretend it didn’t exist, was hidden a tiny hope that if I raced through the Dream List fast enough, we could, perhaps, one day grow to be more than that.
When Sam went to fetch the cheesecake, and returned with a bottle of white wine, offering to walk me home if I wanted a drink, with the option of fetching the car tomorrow, I did wonder for a flabbergasted second if he might be thinking along those lines, too. But then, I scolded myself when he excused himself to take a call from someone called Lilly, he was gorgeous, easy-going, ridiculously friendly Sam. It was probably unthinkable for him not to offer me some of the food I’d brought round. He’d have almost certainly done the same for Irene Jenkins. Or Ebenezer. I heard a guffaw drift through the sliding door and realised that for all I knew, Lilly was his girlfriend and she was rolling her eyes at him inviting in yet another waif. They’d probably had a right laugh about the woman with the uncontrollable dog.
‘Sorry about that,’ he said, returning to the table. ‘Would you like some wine?’
By now, I just wanted to go home again.
‘I would,’ I said apologetically. ‘But I’ve got work tomorrow, so I’d better not. I don’t want to get home too late.’
‘Right, of course!’ Sam replied, a twinge of pink creeping across his cheeks. ‘Me too. You’ll stay for some pudding, though?’
‘Ooh.’ I pretended to check my non-existent watch. ‘I think I can just about squeeze in a big slice or two.’
‘The other day, you mentioned needing to prove yourself to people. Wanting to be independent,’ Sam said, once he’d handed me about a quarter of the cake.
I nodded, feeling a flush of warmth that he’d remembered.
‘Do you mind me asking why you moved out here?’
I took a moment’s pause to consider how to answer, eventually deciding that I might as well go with the truth. ‘I was living with my mum, in Nottingham. And, well… she isn’t always the easiest. Ever since my dad walked out on us – and he literally just walked out the door one day and never came back – she’s had this fear of being abandoned again.’
‘By you?’
‘Primarily me, yes. So, if she caught any hint that I was drawing away, spending a bit more time with friends, or, worst of all, starting a potential relationship, she’d make things very difficult.’ I paused to take a sip of my drink. Sam’s forehead creased in concentration.
‘It sounds ridiculous, but I always thought that one day I’d finally meet the right person, and then I could get married and move out, and she’d just have to deal with it.’
‘You mentioned that the person you were in love with married someone else, because of your mum.’
Wow. This man really paid attention.
‘Yes. He’d asked me. More than once. But it was never the right time.’ I frowned. ‘I suppose eventually he realised it was never going to be the right time, as far as Mum was concerned.’ I rolled my eyes in anticipation of what I was about to share. ‘I had this Dream List. Something I’d started in sixth form, with all the things I wanted to do once I finally had someone to do proper couple things with. Silly things, really.’ I could feel myself blushing, but Sam held such a warm look of interest that I carried on. ‘Assembling flat-pack furniture together.’ I threw him a pointed look. ‘Having a party. Getting a dog.’
‘That doesn’t sound silly at all.’
‘Perhaps not… but it was definitely stupid to think I needed a man to do all those things.’ I nodded at him. ‘Although it turned out I did need one to help with the bed!’
I turned to look at where the sun was sinking in a pool of orange behind the treeline. ‘I also realised that for my whole life I’ve been like this little planet, revolving around the star that is my mother. Relying on her for warmth and light and direction. I’m thirty this year, and I don’t really know who I am.’ I took a deep breath. ‘So, here I am, trying to find out.’
‘That’s amazing,’ Sam said, his voice soft as the twilight settled around us. ‘Genuinely, I know how hard it can be to break away from domineering parents. And at least I have brothers so the heat isn’t all on me. You are one brave woman.’
I fidgeted under his gaze. ‘I don’t know about that.’
‘Anyone who chooses to relocate to Bigley Bottom is no coward.’ He laughed. ‘So, what about the Dream List? You seem to be working your way through it alone.’
I shrugged. ‘That’s the plan. I’m going to complete the whole list solo, and hopefully figure some things out as I go.’
Sam looked at me steadily for a moment while my heart fidgeted about in my chest.
‘You’re not allowed any help?’
‘Well, I’m allowed a bit of help from my friends. Friends, or random strangers.’
‘But not a boyfriend.’
‘No. Not even a date. The friend you met made me sign a contract. A No-Man Mandate.’
‘What else is on this list?’
I smiled. ‘I’m not telling you.’
‘Okay.’ Sam nodded, smiling back as he raised his glass in a toast. ‘Well, good luck with it, and God speed. I look forward to you completing it.’
Um, excuse me?
I managed to just about avoid choking on my tongue, before stuttering a thank you and hotfooting it out of there while that statement zipped about my head like a pinball.
‘He was totally flirting!’ Steph said, when I called her the next day to recount my weekend escapades.
‘I don’t know… he’s so friendly and nice. Maybe he was just being supportive.’
Steph snorted. ‘Yeah, like when Drew said he liked my hair it was a general observation.’
I couldn’t help smiling at this. Drew had joined our school in year twelve, and one week into the new year he’d approached me in the lunch queue to ask who my friend was.
‘Which friend?’ I replied, rolling my eyes as if I actually had more than one friend. Inside, I couldn’t help bracing myself, in the way I’d learnt to do when people spoke about Steph. They didn’t usually mention her weight, but it had come up enough times to make me instinctively on the defensive.
‘The one with the hair.’ His used his hands to demonstrate Steph’s wild mass of curls.
‘Pretty sure all my friends have hair,’ I replied, but I smiled to indicate that I knew who he was talking about, and I approved of him asking. ‘Her name’s Steph.’
The boy grinned in relief, nodding as he filed away the information.
‘Who shall I say’s asking?’
‘Oh! Um. Well. You don’t have to mention it…’
‘She’s my best friend. On what planet wouldn’t I mention that the new boy is asking after her?’
He gripped his rucksack straps with both hands. ‘It’s Drew.’ Turning to go, he paused to add, ‘Oh, and if you’re going to mention it, you could also tell her that I liked the plait thing she did on Monday. And the curls on Tuesday. And the Princess Leia things on Wednesday.’
‘Why don’t you tell her yourself?’ My cheeks were turning pink on Steph’s behalf.
‘Oh, I will,’ he called, walking away. ‘But now she gets to hear it from you, too. She’ll be prepared.’
The next week, Steph had her first kiss, sitting on a park bench in the glow of the September sunset.