“Exactly as you are,” he says.
Then he pulls me down into his chest and leans back into the couch cushions. Within minutes he’s asleep. The warmth of his arms and the steadiness of his breath lull me and I fall asleep in his arms.
27
The house is more crowded than it is during the New Year’s resolution party. All the food that Mom, Leah and I made yesterday is spread out on the dining room table for the after-funeral reception. There has to be at least a hundred people here. My mom had my dad pull out the plastic coverings this morning to shield the furniture and the carpet.
“Have you seen Josh?” asks Leah.
She leans over the dining room table, grabs a plate and piles it with pimento olives.
“No. Not since the funeral.”
My family sat next to him at the graveside service. Josh didn’t look at me, or at anyone really, for the entire service. But during the last song, Amazing Grace, he dropped his hand, reached over and brushed the back of his knuckles against mine.
“I guess he wanted to stay a little longer,” Leah says. Then she sees Mary and Maemie tearing through the living room chasing after a remote-control car. “Girls, not inside,” she calls. She turns back to me. “About last night.”
“Hmm?”
I left Josh’s shortly after sunrise. I have to admit that when I woke up at five, I pretended to be asleep for a few moments so that I could keep lying next to him. But then he stretched and looked down at me and said, “You slept with me, Gem. Does that mean I get breakfast?”
I blinked up at him and realized that he was joking and trying his best to face one of the hardest days of his life. I made him chocolate chip pancakes, bacon and coffee. While we ate at the kitchen table he rested his foot against my ankle and stroked his arch up and down my calf. I looked up at him and flushed, but he just smiled at me and kept eating.
When I got back to my parents’, I showered and put on one of the new dresses I bought with Carly. A conservative navy and black dress with heels.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said to Mom.”
“Oh. Right.” I shake myself out of my thoughts and focus on my sister.
“You’re right. I’m sorry, Gem. I always thought Mom was the only one who thought you needed fixing, but I realized yesterday that I’ve thought it too. It’s why I never really told her to stop. Truth be told, I was sometimes envious of you. It’s hard having four kids. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard, Gem. I’ve wanted to tell you but you’re so busy with your job and your life in the city and sometimes I wish I had what you had. No concerns.”
I give my sister a stunned look. As usual, she looks perfectly put together in a lovely black dress with her hair in a braided twist. I’ve always judged her as having the perfect life, being the perfect mother, I thought she had no concerns.
I was wrong about her too. My own sister.
Suddenly it hits me. Each of us, all the people in our lives, are like icebergs floating near each other. We only see the top of the icebergs, the faces we show the world, and the rest, all our inner lives and secret fears remain hidden underneath the surface.
I was judging based on the tiniest glimpse of a person, not what was inside.
But the thing is, Leah is wrong about me too. Because I haven’t shared either. I was too afraid to share myself with my own family.
I look around the dining room. No one is nearby.
“I’m sorry, Leah, I didn’t realize. Funny thing, I’ve always envied you. I’d love to have a big family.” I bite my bottom lip and then decide to take the plunge. “I’m trying to have a baby.”
Leah starts to choke on the pimento olive she was eating. She hits her chest and her eyes begin to water.
“Did you just say you’re having a baby?”
I turn around. My mom stands behind me, a shocked look on her face.
“But Gemma, you’re infertile. And single. Unless? What?” My mom stops talking and shakes her head in confusion.
I look around at the large number of people gathered in the living room. There’s Mimi and Greg Butkis, Father Gibbly, a number of Mr. Lewenthal’s former colleagues.
I grab Leah and my mom and pull them into the kitchen.
It’s time.
I won’t tell them about Josh’s role, that’s his decision, but it’s time I told my family who I am, or at least, who I want to be.
When my mom and Leah face me, I say, “I had IVF. I was pregnant, but it didn’t stick.”
My mom’s hand flies to her mouth.
“Mom. I know you want me to get married to some old guy and follow the traditional route for life, but that’s not how things have worked out. I might have a baby with IVF, and I might be single when it happens, and I hope that you’ll love me and the baby just as much as you would if it happened in the normal way of things.”
My mom takes a hard swallow then puts her hands on her hips. “What’s normal, Gemma Louise? Normal, my behind. What kind of nonsense are you talking about? If this is what you want, if it will make you happy, then you go on ahead and do it. I’ll love my grandbaby no matter how he gets here. What are you on about? Normal. Bah.”
She pulls me into a hug and tugs on my hair. “There. Life is wonderful, isn’t it? There, there, Gemma.” She pats my back and I realize that I’m sniffling back tears.
“I lost an early pregnancy last year,” my sister says. “It’s why I was so down at Christmas and New Year’s.”
I pull out of my mom’s arms. My mom nods at Leah. She already knew.
“It was hard,” she says.
My mom nods again.
I look at them both. “Sometime soon, do you want to go out, all of us, just us? It’s been years. I miss you.”
My mom smiles and a little spark enters her eyes that I usually only see right before she’s about to suggest another match. “You can tell us all about IVF.”