Every year, even though I haven’t missed a single New Year’s day party in my entire life, my mom calls to make sure that I’m coming.
Unfortunately, for the past seven years my mom has also tried to set me up with a different middle-aged, partially balding, pleated pant-wearing single man. This year my brother Dylan warned me that she’s invited a fifty-year-old with a toupee for my dating pleasure.
“I actually can’t come. Something’s happened at work,” I hedged.
Mom is the queen of sniffing out half-truths and lies. “You’ve heard, I’m so sorry, honey. Don’t let it bring you down.”
This wasn’t the response I was expecting. “Heard what?”
I glanced at Lavinia. She was pretending to type, but I could tell she was still listening in. She wore a frown of disapproval. I hunched down in my desk chair and propped the phone against my shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it, honey. We all know Jeremy is a bad apple. Just because he has another baby doesn’t mean he’s happy.”
I let out a startled cough and pulled the phone away from my ear. I hadn’t heard that Jeremy had another baby. That’s three now.
I coughed again and hit my chest. Lavinia started to stand in concern but I waved her off. The last thing I needed was her coming over.
“I’m sure he’s miserable wiping up spit up and changing dirty diapers. Just look at your sister, she has four kids and never gets any sleep. Honestly.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. Every time I thought I was over my ex-husband and what he’d done, I was proven wrong. I swung my swivel desk chair around, away from Lavinia’s probing stare, and faced the far wall covered in a mural of Ian’s motivational sayings.
The words melted into an image of Jeremy holding his newborn baby in his arms. An ache spread through my chest so that I couldn’t respond to my mom.
“I’m sure that woman’s breasts are sagging horribly. And I bet she won’t be able to lose the baby weight. Serves her right.” My mom always calls Jeremy’s wife that woman. I don’t blame her. I’ve never been able to say her name either.
After six months of marriage I found them spread eagle, going at it like rabbits on our dining room table. My mom promised that affair relationships never last, but ten years, and apparently three kids later, it seems that I was the interloper, not that woman.
“I’ve invited someone for you to meet at the party,” my mom said. “His name is Mort. He’s got a wonderful career. Makes scads of money. And better yet, he’s mature, only fifty mind you, and he doesn’t want kids. Not a one. He’s perfect for you, Gem.”
“Ah,” I managed to squeak out. Apparently, the fifty-year-old toupee wearer didn’t have plans for children.
Every year it’s the same. I trudge into the Wieners and Wine Party, gorge myself on mini barbecue wieners, lime Jell-O salad mold, and processed cheese balls, wash it all down with boxed wine and try to ignore the assessing stare of my mom’s latest “set-up.”
It’s exhausting.
“Do we have to? Maybe we could…skip a year?”
She didn’t respond. I listened as she walked from the kitchen, down the hall, and closed the door to her craft room. I could hear the wreath of silver bells tinkling as she shut the door. Mom went into her craft room whenever she had something to say that she didn’t want my dad to overhear. He was retired and liked to sit in the kitchen watching gameshow reruns.
“I saw Mimi Butkis last week. I invited her and her son Gregory to the party.”
“I don’t want to date Greg Butkis.”
“That’s the point. Mimi said that…” Her voice got all low and pinched. “Mimi said that it’s known around town that you’re desperate. No one wants to date a mid-thirties chubby divorcee with questionable fashion sense and a bum uterus. Gregory Butkis might not come to the party. Mimi said he’s looking for a wife, not a pity date. I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t want to tell you this, but Mort’s the best you can do.”
What?
“What? Why?” I whispered.
And it sort of seemed like the universe whispered back, because I said so.
And that was the moment.
That moment. Right there.
The exact moment I realized the entirety of my hometown thought I was a dating pariah, with no prospects, no future, and that even Greg Butkis, used car salesman, sleaze extraordinaire, was beyond my reach.
And honestly, when was the last time I had a decent date in the city? It’d been years. Years. My mom was…right.
Last Monday, Ian said, if you can imagine it, you can do it. I posted it with a cute kitten background to all our social media pages. It got nine bazillion likes.
Well, at that moment, when I was on the phone with my mom, I started to imagine a different future for myself.
A future where I didn’t depend on horrible hookups, pity dates, or the questionable roll of the dating dice.
Besides, I already rode the marriage boat, it tipped over, capsized, and I nearly drowned. No. In the future I’m imagining, I see me fulfilled, happy, loved, with…a family.
A baby.
She’s there in my heart, she’s been there so long, like a song that I started singing but was never allowed to finish. I’ve been waiting for her, and in this imagined future, I see her in my arms. I’m singing her our lullaby.
Ever since the surgeon told me I’d never have children I’ve been mourning that future I couldn’t have. I was still married to Jeremy when I found out. He said he didn’t care, didn’t need or want kids. Two weeks later he was mating like a monkey on the dining room table. So, it was a moot point. I never followed up or went to a doctor to see what could be done.