“It must be hard,” he agreed, “being a woman alone with all this.” He could see it then, could see his glorious future before him, with acres of oats and golden corn, roasts and steaks and cakes.
“I need a husband,” I said, urging him on, “one who can take care of all this. I’m tired of fending for myself all alone. I need someone who can manage the farm so I can spend more time indoors, doing what a woman ought to.”
“I can be your man.” He grinned in the darkness. I could feel his hand on my chest, playing with the pewter button.
“I’m sure you can, Ray, because we get along so well.” I smiled and brushed his hair away from his forehead. “There would have to be some insurance, though. I will not marry you unless you’re insured.” Though I did not plan on killing him, I still wanted to know there was something to gain should he fall into a ditch and freeze to death one cold winter’s day. “I know well enough how hard it is to suddenly be left a widow. It’s a dangerous world out there and one cannot be certain of anything. Poor Peter was struck by the sausage grinder . . .”
“You’ve had it hard, poor Belle.”
“So if you will ease my heart and purchase an insurance policy, I will gladly be married to you and let you share in my good fortunes.”
“They are good fortunes,” he marveled.
“We will be so happy, I’m sure of it. Just let me know that you care as much about my future as I care for yours, and give me that little token of affection.” I closed my hand over his.
“It doesn’t have to be so expensive, perhaps,” said the fool by my side.
“You want it to be worth some, or it doesn’t mean much, your love for me.” I did not think to earn then; I was simply being offended.
“I’d be a poor man to deny you that, as you are bringing both land and livestock to the table,” he mumbled after a while.
“Yes, Ray, you would, and I know you’re not a poor man. You’re a good man, Ray Lamphere, and you’ll make me a fine husband as soon as the insurance is purchased.”
As the days went by, however, it became clear that the marriage was not even worth it to consider. I asked him about the insurance, and he said yes, he would look into it, but nothing of the sort happened. I asked him again, and he said he had been busy, but that he would get to it shortly.
He never did, though. He never gave me that measly insurance, so I sent him back to sleep in the barn. He swore and cursed and drank himself silly. He begged on his knees to be let back inside, but I had lost my faith in him.
Ray and I were over.
I kept him on the farm to do work, but that was it. He was no longer sharing either bed or board with me. I was angry with him for sure. How could a man like that not do what he could to be married to a woman like me? I had offered him a future and he had turned it down. He had made a fool of me too, for asking him in the first place. I did not let him go, though, no—I did not know what he would say to others if I did. Maybe he would tell them about my shameless proposal, and maybe someone would believe him too.
There was another reason as well. For all his faults, he appeared deaf and blind, never to take notice of what happened on the farm, like the crates that went in the basement. I was planning on ending that part of my enterprise too, but I was reluctant to tell James. He always had a way with words, could infuse them with such sweetness that it made it hard to resist his proposals. If I told him I was ending it all, he would see it as a challenge and work to find a way to bring me back to his wicked ways. He quite enjoyed seeing me thrive as a villainess. Sometimes I thought he saw himself as the artist and me as his work of art. I indulged this, but knew it to be wrong, of course. If anything, I fed from him, lapped at his wellspring and gorged on his guile—but I was quite my own.
Yet I was reluctant to tell him.
Then, at last, when fall turned to winter, Andrew Helgelien announced his arrival, like temptation himself come knocking at my door.
44.
It was such a nice gesture.” Andrew sat on the sofa in my parlor drinking coffee and eating warm waffles with raspberry jam. He had been with us a few days already and made himself quite comfortable in my home. “That little four-leaf clover touched me, Belle. I knew it right away, then, that I had to come and see you.” He was a tall, broad man with a square jaw, and not too old. His hair was light and his eyes were blue. I did not tell him there had been other four-leaf clovers, mailed to other men.
He had caught me by surprise—he had promised to come so many times I had quite given up on him. I was winding down my enterprise and had no need for a man, but he was handsome and spry, and he had means. If I squinted, he looked like Peter, and that made me anticipate his end at my hands. The feeling was sure to come then. I would ride that sweet wave one last time. It was not as if I had set out to find another man to butcher; these wheels had been set in motion a long time ago. I could not truly be blamed if the fruit I had tended fell down in my lap a little belated.
What harm could it do to take on just one more?
“I thought you might need it, some luck to get you safely here,” I told him. “It’s a long journey and many things can happen.” I poured him more coffee.
“It’s a nice piece of land, just as you promised.” His gaze drifted out the window. “It’s a gamble, trusting people. You never know what you find when you arrive. You, though, Belle, I had faith in you at once.”
“I have never lied to you, and I never will either. The world is too crowded with deceitful people as it is. We both know that too well.”
“I truly can see it.” His hand found mine on the armrest of my chair and squeezed it gently. “The two of us together, building something good for ourselves.”
“So can I.” I smiled at him. “Your letters gave me many reasons to trust you. I wouldn’t open my home to just anyone, but I don’t hesitate at all opening it to you.”
“Even if—”
“Oh, I don’t care about that old story. You were young and foolish and did your time. If God can forgive, so can I. What kind of woman would I be if I didn’t recognize that men can repent their sins? I believe you’re much changed since then.”
“I am.” He sounded sincere and gave my hand another soft squeeze. “I want to find a good woman and settle down. I want to have a real home and a future, and I truly hope that will be with you.”
I smiled at him. “I’ve been waiting to find one like you for so long. I’ve been so tired of doing everything myself.” I let a tear slide from one of my eyes. I could feel it so keenly in that moment, the loneliness and toil, the weight of it all.