THIRTY-FOUR
I’m sitting on one of the benches, toying with five-pound dumbbells, when I hear his voice.
“Holy shit,” he’s saying. “This place is legit.”
I jump up, nearly dropping the weights on my foot. Kenji and Winston and Castle and Brendan and Ian and Alia and Lily are all walking through the extra door in the gun wall.
Kenji’s face lights up when he sees me.
I run forward and he catches me in his arms, hugs me tight before breaking away. “Well, I’ll be damned,” Kenji says. “He didn’t kill you. That’s a really good sign.”
I shove him a little. Suppress a grin.
I quickly say hi to everyone. I’m practically bouncing I’m so excited to have them here. But they’re all looking around in shock. Like they really thought Warner was leading them into a trap.
“There’s a locker room through here,” Warner is telling them. He points to the door beside the elevator. “There are plenty of showers and bathroom stalls and anything else you might need to keep from smelling like an animal. Towels, soap, laundry machines. All through here.”
I’m so focused on Warner I almost don’t notice Delalieu standing in the corner.
I stifle a gasp.
He’s standing quietly, hands clasped behind his back, watching closely as everyone listens to Warner talk. And not for the first time, I wonder who he really is. Why Warner seems to trust him so much.
“Your meals will be delivered to you three times a day,” Warner is saying. “If you don’t eat, or if you miss a meal and find yourself hungry, feel free to shed your tears in the shower. And then learn to set a schedule. Don’t bring your complaints to me.
“You already have your own weapons,” he goes on, “but, as you can see, this room is also fully stocked and—”
“Sweet,” Ian says. He looks a little too excited as he heads toward a set of rifles.
“If you touch any of my guns, I will break both of your hands,” Warner says to him.
Ian freezes in place.
“This wall is off-limits to you. All of you,” he says, looking around the room. “Everything else is available for your use. Do not damage any of my equipment. Leave things the way you found them. And if you do not shower on a regular basis, do not come within ten feet of me.”
Kenji snorts.
“I have other work to attend to,” Warner says. “I will return at nineteen hundred hours, at which time we can reconvene and begin our discussions. In the interim, take advantage of the opportunity to get situated. You may use the extra mats in the corner to sleep on. I hope for your sake you brought your own blankets.”
Alia’s bag slips out of her hands and thuds onto the floor. Everyone spins in her direction. She goes scarlet.
“Are there any questions?” Warner asks.
“Yeah,” Kenji says. “Where’s the medicine?”
Warner nods to Delalieu, who’s still standing in the corner. “Give my lieutenant a detailed account of any injuries and illnesses. He will procure the necessary treatments.”
Kenji nods, and means it. He actually looks grateful. “Thank you,” he says.
Warner holds Kenji’s gaze for just a moment. “You’re welcome.”
Kenji raises his eyebrows.
Even I’m surprised.
Warner looks at me then. He looks at me for just a split second before looking away. And then, without a word, he hits the button for the elevator.
Steps inside.
I watch the doors close behind him.
THIRTY-FIVE
Kenji is staring at me, concerned. “What the hell was that?”
Winston and Ian are looking at me too, making no effort to hide their confusion. Lily is unpacking her things. Castle is watching me closely. Brendan and Alia are deep in conversation.
“What do you mean?” I ask. I’m trying to be nonchalant, but I think my ears have gone pink.
Kenji clasps one hand behind his neck. Shrugs. “You two get into a fight or something?”
“No,” I say too quickly.
“Uh-huh.” Kenji cocks his head at me.
“How’s Adam?” I ask, hoping to change the subject.
Kenji blows out a long breath; looks away; rubs at his eyes just before dropping his bag on the floor. He leans back against the wall. “I’m not gonna lie to you, J,” he says, lowering his voice. “This crap with Kent is really stressing me out. Your drama is making things messy. He didn’t make it easy for us to leave.”
“What? But he said he didn’t want to fight back anymore—”
“Yeah, well.” Kenji nods. “Apparently that doesn’t mean he wants to lose all his friends at once.”
I shake my head. “He’s not being fair.”
“I know,” Kenji says. Sighs again. “Anyway, it’s good to see you, princess, but I’m tired as hell. And hungry. Grumpy. You know.” He makes a haphazard motion with his hand. Slumps to the floor.
He’s not telling me something.
“What’s wrong?” I sit down across from him and lower my voice.
He looks up, meets my eyes.
“I miss James, okay? I miss that kid.” Kenji sounds so tired. I can actually see the exhaustion in his eyes. “I didn’t want to leave him behind.”
My heart sinks fast.
Of course.
James.
“I’m so sorry. I wish there’d been a way we could’ve brought him with us.”
Kenji flicks an imaginary piece of lint off his shirt. “It’s probably safer for him where he is,” he says, but it’s obvious he doesn’t believe a word of it. “I just wish Kent would stop being such a dick.”
I cringe.
“This could all be amazing if he would just get his shit together,” Kenji says. “But no, he has to go and get all weird and crazy and dramatic.” He blows out a breath. “He’s so freaking emotional,” Kenji says suddenly. “Everything is such a big deal to him. He can’t just let things go. He can’t just be cool and move on with his life. I just . . . I don’t know. Whatever. I just wish James were here. I miss him.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
Kenji makes a weird face. Waves his hand at nothing. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”
I look up and find that everyone else has dispersed.
Castle, Ian, Alia, and Lily are heading to the locker room, while Winston and Brendan wander around the facility. They’re touching the rock wall right now, having a conversation I can’t hear.
I scoot closer to Kenji. Prop my head in my hands.
“So,” he says. “I don’t see you for twenty-four hours and you and Warner go from let’s-hug-in-super-dramatic-fashion to let-me-give-you-an-ice-cold-shoulder, huh?” Kenji is tracing shapes into the mats underneath us. “Must be an interesting story there.”
“I doubt it.”
“You’re seriously not going to tell me what happened?” He looks up, offended. “I tell you everything.”
“Sure you don’t.”
“Don’t be fresh.”
“What’s really going on, Kenji?” I study his face, his weak attempt at humor. “You seem different today. Off.”
“Nothing,” he mumbles. “I told you. I just didn’t want to leave James.”
“But that’s not all, is it?”
He says nothing.
I look into my lap. “You can tell me anything, you know. You’ve always been there for me and I’ll always be here if you need to talk, too.”
Kenji rolls his eyes. “Why do you have to make me feel all guilty about not wanting to participate in share-your-feelings-story-time?”
“I’m n—”
“I’m just—I’m in a really shitty mood, okay?” He looks off to the side. “I feel weird. Like I just want to be pissed off today. Like I just want to punch people in the face for no reason.”
I pull my knees up to my chest. Rest my chin on my knees. Nod. “You’ve had a hard day.”
He grunts. Nods and looks at the wall. Presses a fist into the mat. “Sometimes I just get really tired, you know?” He stares at his fist, at the shapes he makes by pressing his knuckles into the soft, spongy material. “Like I just get really fed up.” His voice is suddenly so quiet, it’s almost like he’s not talking to me at all. I can see his throat move, the emotions caught in his chest. “I keep losing people,” he says. “It’s like every day I’m losing people. Every goddamn day. I’m so sick of it—I’m so sick and tired of it—”
“Kenji—,” I try to say.
“I missed you, J.” He’s still studying the mats. “I wish you’d been there last night.”
“I missed you, too.”
“I don’t have anyone else to talk to.”
“I thought you didn’t like talking about your feelings,” I tease him, trying to lighten the mood.
He doesn’t bite.
“It just gets really heavy sometimes.” He looks away. “Too heavy. Even for me. And some days I don’t want to laugh,” he says. “I don’t want to be funny. I don’t want to give a shit about anything. Some days I just want to sit on my ass and cry. All day long.” His hands stop moving against the mats. “Is that crazy?” he asks quietly, still not meeting my gaze.
I blink hard against the stinging in my eyes. “No,” I tell him. “No, that’s not crazy at all.”
He stares at the floor. “Hanging out with you has made me weird, J. All I do is sit around thinking about my feelings these days. Thanks for that.”
I crawl forward and hug him right around the middle and he responds immediately, wrapping me up against him. My face is pressed to his chest and I can hear his heart beating so hard. He’s still hurting so badly right now, and I keep forgetting that. I need to not forget that.
I cling to him, wishing I could ease his pain. I wish I could take his burdens and make them mine.
“It’s weird, isn’t it?” he says.
“What is?”
“If we were naked right now, I’d be dead.”
“Shut up,” I say, laughing against his chest. We’re both wearing long sleeves, long pants. As long as my face and hands don’t touch his skin, he’s perfectly safe.
“Well, it’s true.”
“In what alternate universe would I ever be naked with you?”
“I am just saying,” he says. “Shit happens. You never know.”
“I think you need a girlfriend.”
“Nah,” he says. “I just need a hug. From my friend.”