“You know he’s not.”
“And we know why he’s not, too. Because his dick has been in service to at least four other women that we know of. At this point, I’d be afraid it might fall off inside you if you went back for some.”
“Oh my god, Sara, hush! Someone’s gonna hear you!”
I look around frantically, but thank God no one has appeared around us. Sara stares at me, half imperiously and half with pity.
“I don’t care and you shouldn’t either! I’m tired of women acting like having sexual needs is a bad thing. I’m all about embracing it. Girl, I wasted twenty years of my life thinking vibrators were evil. I still can’t figure out why the hell I listened to my mother.”
I’m the one who stares imperiously now.
“Sara, a vibrator and a young hot guy are two totally different kinds of toys. If you were trying to talk me into getting a vibrator, I’d be all for it. But this is totally out of the question.”
I watch Sara’s ruby stained lips fall open.
“Holy shit, you don’t have a vibrator? Allison, what the hell? Aren’t you afraid that thing is gonna get cobwebs and shrivel up from lack of use?”
I feel myself blush when I look up and see a little old lady sitting in a motorized cart frowning at us. Holy shit. How did I miss her purple hair when I looked around a minute ago?
Please God, let her have forgotten her hearing aid today!
“All right. That’s it,” Sara says suddenly, reaching for the few items in my buggy and dumping them onto a shelf in one big heap. “We are going to the naughty store. Today starts the liberation of Allison. Or at least your hoo-hah. I’m making it my mission in life to help you let your inner cougar out of the cage. That bitch has been in captivity for far too long.”
She takes my hand and whirls me around, abandoning my cart and dragging me toward the exit. Our heels click loudly on the scuffed floor, attracting the attention of everyone in our direct vicinity.
And so, of course, this is when Sara chooses to be even more obscene.
“I’m gonna find you the biggest plastic cock on the market and you’re gonna use it if I have to tie you down and do it for you.”
I want to effing die.
I am horrified to see the head of every bag boy turn in our direction, even more so when I recognize two of them. They go to school with Sophie, my 15-year old daughter.
“Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod! Sara, shut up!” I hiss at her.
“I will if you’ll move your ass. This needs to be fixed. Today. And there’s no time like the present. Sophie won’t be home for another two hours. That’s just long enough for me to change your mind.”
“Like that’s gonna happen,” I murmur. “Don’t hold your breath, Sara.”
“We’ll see, Miss Sexually Repressed. We’ll see.”
********
One humiliating hour later, Sara and I are pressed together in front of my computer, flipping through an online catalog of men. Well, I say “men” lightly. These males are somewhere between guydom and manhood, with guydom being that place in which the masculine form of our species gets stuck for the several years after high school and surrounding college.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
“It just feels wrong to be looking at these kids in any kind of sexual way.” I look uncertainly at my insane friend. She stares back unapologetically.
“Trust me, Allison. They want you to look at them that way. And they’re not kids. They’re legal.”
I scroll past one that doesn’t look a day over sixteen. “Cheese and crackers, Sara! This is somebody’s kid! I guarantee you his mother doesn’t know he’s a gigolo.”
“Cheese and crackers? Really?" She looks at me skeptically. "Besides, he’s not a gigolo, you prude! He’s an escort. Big difference.”
“An escort who, at the end of the night for a little more cash, will have sex with people. What do you call that?”
Sara’s laugh has a wicked edge to it. “I call it my good fortune.”
“Sara, I’m serious.”
“So am I. But look, this is how I see it. I’m helping Chaz live out his dreams, too. He’s getting to do things and experience things that most men twice his age will never know.”