“The man’s back is to me and I can’t see my mom very well, but I know she’s still there. I can see her moving. Her head is moving up, then down. Up, then down. She’s crying still and I can see her shoulders shake. The man just slapped her hard. He just said, ‘Stop crying, you fucking bitch. A blowjob never killed anyone!’”
Tears are streaking down my face at will now. I can’t believe that Pax saw this. He must have been terrified. It makes my heart break and I ache to fix it for him. But how can anyone truly be fixed after seeing something like that?
“No one has ever hurt my mom before and I want to help. But I’m afraid. I’m the only one home, though. My dad is still at work and I know he would want me to be brave. I’m his little man and I’m supposed to take care of the house when he is gone. So I stand up and run out of the closet.
“I jump at the man with the gun, and he turns just as I grab his hand. The gun is cold and metal. I feel it in my fingers and then there is a noise so loud that my ears ring. My mom falls onto the bed and there is a lot of blood.”
I am completely frozen.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Did Pax bump the trigger?
Oh. My. God.
“The man is screaming, ’What the fuck did you do?’ and he shakes me. Then he screams more. ‘You killed your mother!’ My mom isn’t moving and her eyes are open, staring at me. But she isn’t seeing me. The man is right. I killed my mother.”
My eyes are wide and I ache to lunge into their room and hold Pax. His eyes are watery and a tear finally breaks rank and slips down his cheek. I ache to go to him and Dr. Tyler must know that, because he turns and looks into the camera—at me.
“We’ve got to know,” he says quietly. Calmly. He’s talking to me.
Fuck.
I perch on the edge of my chair, my fist pressed to my mouth as they continue.
“What happens next, Pax?” Dr. Tyler asks. “Remember, you are safe. He can’t hurt you now.”
“I am crying and the man slaps me. He’s screaming again. ‘You fucking kid. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You fucking little snot nose kid. I’m not going to jail for this. No fucking way. And there’s only one way to make sure that doesn’t happen.’ He grabs me by the neck and shoves me onto the bed next to my mom. I look down and her blood is on my shirt. I grab her hand and hold it. The man is telling me to close my eyes. The gun makes a clicking sound. I close my eyes tighter. But nothing happens.”
I realize now that I am holding my breath. This can’t be happening. This can’t have happened. It’s too grotesque, too unreal. No wonder Pax is damaged. No. Fucking. Wonder.
I am numb as the doctor asks Pax what happens next.
“The man tells me that he can’t kill a kid. He says he just can’t do it. He takes my hand and holds it down tight. He squeezes it too hard, but I don’t cry anymore. He pulls a big knife out of his pants and cuts my hand with it. He makes an X. Then he dips the knife in blood and traces over the cut again and says, ’Swear on your mother’s blood that you will never tell what I look like. This X is to remind you that I have marked you. I can always find you, anytime, anywhere. If you ever tell anyone about me, I will kill you just like your mom.
”Then he says, ’You’re the one who killed her. They’ll take you away too, you know. And bad men in prison do bad things to little boys who killed their mothers. They’ll hurt you over and over, every day.’”
Pax has tears running down his face now, like the seven-year old boy that he currently is in his memory. I am literally aching. I look at the doctor and I can taste my own tears.
“Please,” I beg. “Bring him out of this.”
I know the doctor can’t hear me. But I can’t help but beg anyway. For Pax. For the little boy who shouldn’t have to see this anymore.
The doctor nods, finally. He must have decided the same thing.
“Pax, you are safe. When I tell you to wake up, you will wake up. And you will remember everything that you have told me today. Do you understand?”
Pax nods.
“Wake up.”
Pax opens his eyes and they meet mine through the TV screen. His are filled with a horror that I have never seen before and I hope to god I never see again. I leap from my seat and burst into their room, dropping to my knees next to him, stroking his back, gripping his shoulders, holding him tight.
The man with the yellow teeth scarred him in so many more ways than one. He didn’t need to carve up his hand to do it. His heart will be scarred forever. I honestly don’t see how Pax will ever be able to overcome any of it.
The thought makes me weep.
“Are you okay?” I whisper to him, forcing him to look at me. It’s a stupid question, really. Of course he’s not okay.
He stares at me. “I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I just don’t know.”
Chapter Twenty
Pax
I am numb. Utterly frozen as I watch the doctor write out another prescription for Xanax and hand it to Mila. She promises to have it filled in case I need it. He tells her that I shouldn’t be alone and she agrees. She won’t leave me, she says.