“You don’t need it. Just tell him you listened, it’s all he wants to hear.”
I step outside, and walk up to the front door. I ring the doorbell. My palms have gone really sweaty, slick against the plastic wrapping of the flowers. The door swings open, and I see it’s Veronica. She glances down at me, and for maybe the first time ever, I see her break into a tiny smile.
“Oh, Zach, hi,” she says. “Ruben didn’t tell me you were coming by, come in.”
Ruben appears at the end of the hallway. “It’s okay, Mom,” he says, sliding past her to stand in the doorway.
Crap. Crap crap crap.
He glances at the flowers as Veronica walks away, then back up at my face. “Holy shit, your hair.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it.”
We go inside, and I offer him the flowers. He takes them, then brings them to his nose. “These are nice.”
“They’re from a gas station,” I say, then wince. “I wanted to get you something nicer, but everywhere else was closed.”
My palms are seriously sweating now.
“Right,” he says. “So, you wanted to talk things through?”
“I do. I’m here to say that I’ve heard you, and I’m going to work on what you said. I know I’m too passive. But I don’t want to be anymore. I know what I want, and it’s you.”
“Okay, but what does that mean?”
“I want to be with you. To work through exactly this kind of thing, just, with you. And if you want to end things, that’s fine, and I’ll respect your decision. But I want to be with you more than anything else. All in. For the world to see. No more hiding. And, yes, ideally, I want to stay in the band, too. But if I can’t have both, then I pick you.”
He kicks at the ground. “That’s one hell of a speech.”
“I try. And listen, I am going to work on actually saying what I want. It’s not going to happen right away. It’ll take effort on my end. But I’m going to do it. Not to be with you, but because I need to. It’s what I want to do, and if you want to do it with me, that’s your decision.”
“So, what if I don’t?”
I falter. “Don’t what?”
“Want to do it with you. What would you do then?”
My voice is steady as I reply. “I’ve thought about it, and even if you don’t want to be with me, I’m still going to come out. I’ll never make it as a songwriter if I’m not allowed to write what I actually care about; I’ll always have one hand tied behind my back. And all that stuff I said about Saturday isn’t about Saturday. It’s about Geoff. I don’t want to leave the band, I love it, but I want to leave him. Maybe we can’t, I don’t know. But I do know it’s what I want.”
He drops the flowers to his side. “Wow. This is the first time I’ve actually known where you stood.”
“Well, I mean it. I should do this more often, it feels great. I’m like, unstoppable.”
He laughs, finally smiling. “That sounds like a lyric you’d write in your notebook.”
“Ouch. Fair, though. Know any words that rhyme with unstoppable?”
“None come to mind.” He takes a deep breath, and his shoulders relax. “Thank you. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear all that.”
“So, we’re back on?”
“Zach, we weren’t off. I just needed to know you were walking by my side, not being, like, dragged along kicking and screaming.” He smiles, and steps closer. “Although, is it just me, or does this feel like the part in a movie where the music starts swelling and we make out in the rain?”
I glance around. There’s no music, just the faint chirping of crickets outside. I’ve always loved the sound.
“Oh really?” I ask. “So, should we, you know, do that?”
He grabs me by the shirt, pulls me to him, and kisses me.
* * *
Now that Ruben and I have decided to come out publicly, we made the joint decision to tell the rest of the band our plans.
It’s the morning after my big declaration, and we’re in Ruben’s bedroom with a Zoom call set up. Jon is already waiting, but Angel hasn’t requested to join, even though he’s seen the link in the group chat.
“You’re sure about this?” he asks.
“Completely. Are you?”
He nods.
Angel accepts the call, and then Ruben starts the meeting.
“Oh hey, nice hair,” says Angel.
“Thanks.”
“What’s up? Surely you didn’t just set this up to show us a haircut.”
I clear my throat. “Er, no, um, we have news. We’ve decided we want to come out publicly, even if Chorus won’t let us.”
“Oh shit.”
“Yeah,” says Ruben. “It’s become pretty clear they aren’t going to let us do it on their terms, so we’re making our own.”
“Right,” says Jon.
“But we wanted to check with you all first,” I say. “Because this will impact you all.”
“I’m so in,” says Angel. “I say you fuck ’em up.”
“Jon?”
Jon’s brow creases. “I think it’s a great idea. You should be able to be yourselves. It’s garbage that they asked you to keep your sexuality a secret.”
A rush of relief fills me. I knew Angel would be down to do something this chaotic, but Jon is much more of a risk when it comes to this sort of thing.
And then he surprises me further. “I have an idea,” he says. “If we’re going to do this, we should do it right.”
We talk it over until we’re all on board.
“It’s perfect,” says Ruben. “I’m in if you all are.”
I offer my hand, and Ruben grabs it. I don’t need to say anything. It’s obvious I am completely and utterly in.
That just leaves Angel. He grins. “Let’s wreak some havoc.”
TWENTY-SEVEN
RUBEN
The crowd’s been lining up in Central Park for two days.