‘I’m not sure. I guess so. She came in the ambulance with your mum and I haven’t seen her since so I’m assuming they’re still together. And another young woman turned up a little while ago – looks a lot like Phoebe but with longer hair. I figured she might be your daughter. She’s through there now as well.’
A cold skein of dread pulled tight in Jess’s stomach. ‘My daughter’s through there? With Phoebe? For God’s sake, next you’ll be telling me my sister’s here too.’
Jess watched as Ben shifted his weight from one foot to the other and cast his eyes around the waiting room where people were beginning to glance in their direction.
‘Well, I don’t know for sure, but I do know Phoebe phoned her mum just after the paramedics arrived and told her to meet us here. But I couldn’t honestly tell you whether she’s arrived or not. I don’t understand. What’s wrong with your sister and your niece being here?’
Jess stared at him, unblinking. ‘Jesus Christ. As if today wasn’t bad enough already.’ Without saying goodbye, she turned around and rushed through the double swing doors towards the emergency treatment rooms, ignoring the receptionist’s instructions for her to stop.
As she hurried down the corridor, the smell hit her: the unmistakable stench of unspoken fear and tentative hope. It was a smell that flung open the door on memories Jess had tried so hard to keep closed: memories of men and women in white coats and blue scrubs, pretending they could make everything better, only for Jess to discover that it was a lie, that they were no more able to safeguard her family than she was.
It was years ago, Jess told herself, as she rushed past curtained cubicles and trolleys, past blood pressure machines and computer screens, past medicine cabinets and an empty wheelchair. The medical profession had come a long way since then.
Halfway along the corridor there was a nurses’ station, and after a few polite enquiries, Jess was directed towards a cubicle two bays from the end. Without pausing to think about what she was going to say or what she might find, she swept back the curtain. And all at once she felt the past rushing towards her.
Her mum was sitting up in bed, flanked on one side by a teenager Jess knew from countless Google searches was her niece, and on the other side by the daughter she’d have given her life to protect. And there, in the middle, as if this were a stage and Lily was in the starring role, stood the sister Jess had cut out of her life more than two decades before.
‘Get up, Mia. We’re going.’
Jess’s voice was hard and sharp as four pairs of eyes turned towards her and four smiles flattened into horizontal lines.
Chapter 30
Lily
Lily rose to her feet, though whether in greeting or defence she wasn’t quite sure. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing emerged. Instead she stared at her sister, wondering how someone could look so changed and yet so unmistakably familiar: the same warm cream skin, now lightly etched with age; the same fire in her eyes, serving both as a statement and a warning; the same determined expression. For a second it was as though their years of separation evaporated and standing in front of her was the little sister Lily had only ever wanted to protect.
Her legs tensed as if preparing to move, to walk the single step that would place her within touching distance of Jess. Repressed affection seeped into her muscles from where it had lain dormant for decades. As Lily looked at Jess, it was as if she could see the gap narrowing, as if the distance between them was nothing more than one small step across a hospital cubicle.
But then Jess’s eyes caught hers and Lily felt the heat of her sister’s rage, was reminded of the day twelve years ago when they had last seen one another: Don’t you ever go near my daughter again, do you hear me? You don’t deserve to be a parent. You shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children.
The memory throbbed like a bruise on Lily’s heart. So many times over the years she had replayed that conversation, wondering whether anything could have been said to alter the outcome. So many times she had seethed at the recollection of Jess’s tone. But mostly, whenever she had allowed the memory to creep into her thoughts, Lily had been left with only a litany of silent questions. Except now that Jess was standing in front of her, Lily realised she didn’t know where to begin. She didn’t know whether she wanted to shout at Jess or turn and flee, whether she wanted to assault her sister with questions or wrap her arms around her and hope that somehow the space between them might shrink until they could feel it no longer. It was as though the passage of time and the enormity of the absence were so great that Lily no longer knew where this story started, couldn’t find her way back to the point at which their paths had diverged, like a child in a fairy tale whose trail of breadcrumbs has long since vanished.
Chapter 31
Audrey
It was the moment she had been hoping for all these years: her whole family in the same room together. All this time Audrey had been imagining family reunions played out to a soundtrack of tearful apologies and biblical forgiveness. But now, instead of feeling relief or pleasure, she was aware of her breath hiding in her lungs, her fingers curling into tight balls.
Seeing her daughters together was like peeling back the layers of an onion, stripping back the years to when they had been two little girls in the midst of a squabble. Audrey wished she could find the words to make Lily walk towards Jess with open arms, that would allow Jess to accept the embrace. But each time her lips parted, her voice dissolved inside the fear that if she got this moment wrong she might never have a chance to put it right.
Her eyes darted from one daughter to the other – Lily staring at Jess, Jess staring at Mia. It was as though they were figures in a tableau: Jess’s face locked in an expression of horror, Lily’s in a frame of uncertainty.
‘I’m sorry I took so long. Saturday evenings are never the best time to visit A&E, but I’ve finally got all your test results.’
A young female doctor swished the curtain closed behind her, scanning the notes in her hand as she entered. She glanced around the cubicle long enough to clock the excessive number of visitors, raised an eyebrow, then appeared to decide that, of all the battles she’d have to fight that night, a few additional visitors weren’t worth her energy.
‘OK, Mrs Siskin. You’ll be pleased to know that your collapse was the result of nothing more sinister than low blood sugar. I know it’s difficult to eat when you’re feeling nauseous, but even just a few mouthfuls – little and often – will help prevent this happening again. I can see from your oncologist’s notes that you’ve refused chemotherapy, and of course that’s entirely your decision. The only thing I would say is that the discovery of the fourth tumour on your lung and the results of your latest blood counts do mean that we’re likely to see an increase in episodes like this. I don’t want to pressurise you, and I’m sure you’re being well advised by your oncologist, but given the aggressiveness of your cancer and what’s happened today, you may want to reconsider. Anyway, I’m sure you can discuss all that with your consultant at your next appointment. For now, we’re going to move you up to the ward as soon as we can find you a bed, so we can keep an eye on you overnight. I’ll get the porters to come by when there’s a ward ready to take you.’
The doctor waited for Audrey to acknowledge that she’d understood, offered a weary smile, and then left the cubicle, her words lingering behind like an unwelcome party guest refusing to leave.
Fourth tumour on your lung. Latest blood counts. Aggressiveness of your cancer.
Audrey felt the weight of her deception pressing down on her shoulders. But then she saw the fear on Lily’s face, the disbelief on Jess’s, the shock in Phoebe’s eyes and the tears in Mia’s, and all at once she understood that this was why she had chosen not to tell them.
Chapter 32
Jess