I Shall Be Near to You: A Novel

‘Soldiers!’ Captain calls from the front of the parade ground where a wagon has been parked since first thing this morning. He stands prouder than ever. ‘Today is the day many of you have been waiting for!’

 

 

Every head snaps forward, but eyes keep wandering to the wagon on Captain’s right, filled with wooden crates. Sergeant Ames and Sergeant Fitzpatrick from Company G clamber up into the bed and work with crowbars at prying off those lids.

 

‘You thinking what I’m thinking?’ Sully asks Jeremiah, only he don’t give anybody a chance to answer. ‘I bet he’s got our orders!’

 

‘It is my privilege to issue each of you a Springfield Model 1861 Rifled Musket,’ Captain says, and Sully whoops, ‘Hot damn!’

 

A smile flickers across Captain’s face, but he goes back to being stony and serious when he says, ‘These weapons are entrusted to you by the United States Army. This weapon is your life. It is your safety. It is the life and safety of our great nation. You must take proper care with it.’

 

Jeremiah watches me, but I don’t do a thing but stare straight ahead. I ain’t forgiven him for calling me Ma’am in front of all the boys, even though he hasn’t said a word about me going home. He ain’t been the least bit tender or easy with me. I’m not easy either, especially not thinking about that gun, thinking about what I might have to do with it, but I can’t let that show. Most of these boys can’t hardly wait to get their hands on that rifle and so I’ve got to be pleased too. I step in line behind Jeremiah and the rest of them making their way toward that wagon.

 

‘Now here is something might help us win some fights,’ Thomas Stakely says from the front of the line. ‘Get me home to my girls sooner.’

 

‘I’d like to meet your girls,’ Hiram says, and it is a wonder how he makes everything that comes out of his mouth sound foul.

 

Thomas turns on him, the sinews in his neck standing out even more than usual, and Leatherskin John Morgan steps closer behind him.

 

‘You ain’t to talk about my girls,’ Thomas says.

 

Hiram puts his hands up and backs away, ‘Oh, I see. You think they won’t do for a rowdy like me, eh?’

 

Thomas says, ‘Something like that.’

 

‘Well, most times I can make any girl serve the purpose just fine,’ Hiram says, thrusting his hips.

 

Thomas don’t look away from Hiram, but John puts his hand on his arm, nodding at the officers. ‘He’s only blowing off some steam.’

 

‘I’m looking to blow more than steam!’ Hiram shouts. ‘But I ain’t got to fight you old men for permission to do it!’

 

‘Come time to use those guns up there, I think you’ll find these old men got more than enough fight,’ Thomas says, shrugging off John’s hand and taking a step closer to Hiram.

 

‘I can take anyone here and any Rebels that come at me. You name your day, old man, and we’ll see who walks away with one of your girls over his shoulder.’

 

‘Hiram, ain’t you wanting your Rebel-killing rifle? We’re all waiting on you!’ Jeremiah hollers, and he must be daft to do it.

 

‘Hell, yes, I want me a rifle! These old fellas got me distracted, talking about pretty girls!’ And then Hiram turns away from Thomas like he ain’t done a thing.

 

Sully finally gets to the head of the line, and there’s never been a blind baby bird looking so hungry as Sully is for that rifle. When Sergeant Ames sets his rifle in Sully’s hands, he don’t notice the weight, how it makes them sink. He turns and lifts that gun over his head, saying, ‘Gonna get me some Rebs!’ forgetting to move until Jeremiah pushes him forward.

 

Sergeant Fitzpatrick holds out a cartridge box to me, and I take it, slinging it over my shoulder so the brass oval saying us is right across the middle of my chest and the leather pouch rests at my hip. Then I raise my arms to Sergeant Ames and he puts my rifle right into my hands. It is even more of a burden than I thought, heavier than Papa’s gun for sure, and I don’t know how I’ll ever keep the barrel up to aim while I’m running at our enemy. All of it is so much to carry.

 

‘Ain’t none of you worried how killing is a sin?’ Jimmy asks as we’re heading back to our row.

 

‘I told you to stop thinking so much about it,’ Henry says.

 

‘Ain’t you listened to a word Pastor Bowers said these past six months?’ Sully asks, and I can’t believe he ever sat still long enough to hear. ‘All that about protecting the Republic and establishing God’s kingdom on Earth?’

 

‘God has sent armies into battle many times to stop the wicked. This is a righteous war, not murder. There’s no sin in it.’ Will’s words make me think of Mama’s hand laying a cool cloth across my fevered forehead, wiping away some of the worry I didn’t even know I was carrying.

 

Henry slaps Jimmy on the back and says, ‘See? I told you it was nothing.’

 

As soon as we are lined back up, Jeremiah has his belt halfway off and is sliding his cap box onto it. The other boys all do the same, and so I unbuckle mine rough like a man and fumble at getting the leather through those loops.

 

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