“And that detective wasn’t fake,” I prompted gently.
Jesse took a breath. “No. He was real. And I wanted to do something real too.” Even in the streetlight, I could see his face color a little. “Of course, now I know that magic is part of the world, so I guess I don’t know what’s real anymore.” He looked forlorn for a moment.
I leaned back in the seat. “Sounds like the guy made quite an impression on you,” I said gently.
Jesse smiled wistfully. “He was . . . he was absolute. He just gave off this confidence and certainty, like there wasn’t anything that he couldn’t handle. He was really nice to me, friendly. But at the same time his eyes were just . . . scary.”
“Would you say,” I began, straight-faced, “that he had lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes?”
Jesse laughed out loud, and I felt the thrilling click of connection that you get when someone understands your movie reference. “You know, I might. Which I thought was cool.” He shrugged. “It’s just how cops look sometimes, I think. When you’ve seen enough of the things people do to each other, it just kind of takes over your face.”
I studied him for a long moment. “You don’t look like that,” I mused. “Not yet, anyway.”
“You do,” he said softly, and then looked surprised, like he hadn’t known he was about to say it. “Except sometimes, when there’s nobody from the Old World around, and you don’t think anybody is trying to get something from you, and you forget who you are.”
My mouth dropped open, and tingles of surprise prickled through my nervous system as a long silence passed between us. Jesse was staring at me with just a hint of defiance, like he was daring me to say something real, certain that I couldn’t do it. But this time he was wrong.
“I’m not a lost soul, Jesse,” I said quietly. “And I’m not an innocent. Nobody has done anything to me that I didn’t invite.”
He looked indignant, which was sort of adorable if you thought about it. “Dashiell—” he began, but I held up a hand.
“Dashiell is a vampire and he plays vampire games. Olivia was a psycho who made it her mission to fuck with my life. But it’s the scorpion and the frog story, Jesse.”
“The scorpion kills the frog,” Jesse pointed out. “It isn’t the frog’s fault.”
I sighed. “The dumbass frog should’ve just run like hell. Well, hopped like hell. Swam like hell? Whatever frogs do to get away, but really quickly,” I amended. “Instead he agrees to give a scorpion a ride across the river. He definitely deserves some of the blame.”
“He didn’t choose to be a frog. And you didn’t choose to be a null,” Jesse reminded me.
“True.” I fidgeted in my seat, unable to find a position that felt comfortable for my knee. I pretty much needed to give up on the idea that a comfortable position was even possible.
Jesse was still looking at me expectantly. I sighed. “Look, when I was eighteen, something happened to me that wasn’t fair. But I chose to fuck around with the wolf pack. I invited all this.” I waved a hand.
A shadow passed over his face, and I was about to ask him about it when my phone began vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out and squinted at the screen, which seemed extra bright in the dimness of the car. It was Jack. I pushed the button to ignore the call. He was probably just calling to wish me a happy New Year’s, but he’d want to know what I was doing, and I couldn’t tell him.
I turned my head and saw Jesse regarding me with a frown.
“What?” I said.
“Do you ever get sick of hiding things from him?” Jesse asked.
“Yes,” I said wearily. “Do you ever get sick of poking me about how I live my life?”
“No,” Jesse answered promptly.
There was silence in the car for a long time after that.
Chapter 21
Around ten, Scarlett dozed off, and Jesse let her. He was used to the long hours of staring at nothing, and she wasn’t. Besides, she seemed like she needed the rest. The last few months were taking a toll on her. He saw it in the hollows under her eyes, the pallor of her face, not to mention the knee that was visibly swollen under her yoga pants. He suspected that her knee was worse than she was letting on, or maybe worse than she was admitting to herself. Maybe it had been selfish of him to bring her along. He could have watched Will’s house without her.
He considered driving her back to her van, but Jesse was afraid that if he did leave, even briefly, that would be the moment the nova wolf chose to dump the next body. Jesse didn’t want to miss the chance to stop him from hurting anyone else. And if the nova wolf was really so powerful, he would want Scarlett along to turn it human again.
Besides, she looked like she was finally resting now. After a while, he reached over and pulled the fleece pullover up to cover her lap better. His hand brushed Scarlett’s as he was pulling his arm back, and Jesse was startled at how cold her fingers were. He twisted the key to run the car’s heater for a while before leaning over to put his arm around her, pulling her close to him. She mumbled a sleepy thanks, tucking her hands under her arms for warmth, and he felt a rush of tenderness for her. Since first finding out about the Old World, Jesse’s experiences there had been so connected to his relationship with Scarlett that he forgot sometimes that she was technically human. She’d gone up against things that were more powerful than she was, and her very best weapon only leveled the playing field for a short time. It wasn’t fair. He pressed his lips to her hair for a moment. Then Jesse settled back to watch the entrance to Will’s house, leaving his arm still tucked around Scarlett.