Jesse met my eyes, understanding blooming on his face. “You want to go see Eli,” he said softly.
I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to drag him back into all this, but I don’t know who else to ask. Even if the actual killer isn’t part of Will’s pack, one of the pack members could be involved. Will and Eli are the only pack members that I trust.” Now that Caroline is dead, I thought. I had missed Caroline’s memorial service while I was unconscious, and sometimes I still had the impulse to give my friend a call, just to talk to someone. But Olivia had killed her. She had parents and a couple of sisters in Albuquerque, I knew, but Will would have disposed of her body. They might not even know she was dead. I felt a rush of sorrow at that thought.
“Scarlett?” Jesse said, and I realized he’d been talking to me.
“Sorry, what?”
“I said, it’s ten o’clock. Should we go see Eli now, or wait until the morning?”
I bit my lip. “Jesse, listen . . . I know you’re the cop, and you have questions. But I need to talk to Eli alone. At least at first.” Something unreadable flashed across Jesse’s handsome face. I thought it was maybe disappointment, but he didn’t say anything. “I haven’t talked to him since I changed him back,” I explained.
Jesse held my eyes for an interminably long moment, and I swear I could feel a connection vibrate between us like the thrum of a guitar string. “Your thing with Eli,” he said quietly. “Where does it leave us?”
And there it was. Before I had changed Eli and gotten hurt, Jesse and I had shared a moment. We had kissed. We had connected. It was a little too late to tell myself that I didn’t feel anything for him, or that I wasn’t good enough for him. So I opened my mouth to unleash a smart-ass remark—but I had nothing. I blinked a few times, opening and closing my mouth like a fish.
Sometimes I am so smooth it hurts.
Jesse just let me flounder. Finally I said, honestly, “Confused.”
He nodded to himself as though that was exactly what he’d been expecting. “Eli seems like a good guy,” he stated neutrally. “And he’s a human now too.”
I could not think of a thing to say. Not one thing. “It’d be easier if he was a giant douchebag,” Jesse added, a little ruefully.
“That was how I felt about Runa,” I reminded him gently. Jesse had dated a police photographer named Runa Vore for a month or so before he learned that she was a witch who’d been sent to spy on him. Sometimes I wondered if he missed her. Runa was aesthetically perfect, and I had been just the teeniest bit gleeful when she had turned out to be duplicitous—but she’d also helped Jesse save my life. Even with the ulterior motive, I couldn’t help but like her a little.
One thing I’ll say for Eli: he was a lot less complicated.
There wasn’t a whole lot more for Jesse and me to discuss after that. We both knew I had to make a choice. He asked me to call him the next day after I’d spoken to Eli, promised to start researching the victim, and said good-bye. I lay back on my bed, not the least bit tired thanks to my six-hour nap, and thought.
Five short months ago, before I’d even met Jesse, I’d been right in the middle of not allowing myself to fall in love with Eli, despite the fact that we kept falling into bed together. I’d had good reasons, though: for one thing, I’d been convinced that he only wanted to be around me so he could be human again. I’d also been convinced that I wasn’t fit to be with anybody after what had happened to me with Olivia and my parents. Okay, fine. I’d thought I didn’t deserve to be with anybody after what had happened with Olivia and my parents.
But now Olivia was dead, for good, because I had motherfucking beaten her. And Eli had proved more than once that he truly cared about me. Moreover, he wasn’t even a werewolf anymore. There was nothing standing between us now, except for the fact that I didn’t want to pull him back into the Old World when he had the chance to be free. That . . . and Jesse. Who had kissed me. I shivered. It had been a really good kiss.
“Goddammit,” I said out loud. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be thinking about boys, for cripes’ sake. I just wanted to be left alone.
But with that thought, I suddenly felt very alone. And I missed my mom. A wave of grief for my parents crashed into me, more powerfully than it had in years. I considered calling my brother, just to hear his voice, but I knew it was a bad idea. If Jack sensed something was wrong and asked me about it, I wouldn’t be able to tell him. And if he didn’t sense something was wrong, I’d feel more alone than ever.
I sighed and got up to change.
Chapter 11
Twenty minutes later, I was driving the White Whale east on the 10. I wasn’t going to sleep anyway, so I figured I might as well get the conversation with Eli over with.
I was wearing what passed for work clothes in my life: the same jeans (soy sauce stains be damned!), a clean T-shirt, a thick sherpa-lined hoodie, and my beloved canvas jacket, also known as the “coat o’ nine pockets.” I had stashed my wallet, phone, and keys into its various pockets, along with my fully charged handheld Taser, which I was delighted to have. I had missed my Taser.