He wondered if the deepest damage remained hidden. Looking into the rainy night of his own world, he wasn’t sure if he belonged here after what he’d become. Not as a magic being, but as a person. He was no longer human, but how much of his humanity had he thrown away?
The first person he killed was Landemere Vane, by accident in a mad scramble to defend himself. That violence had shaken him to the core, leaving him a near-catatonic wreck. It was not his last kill, that first day or in the days to come. Rufus had warned him that it would only be the beginning, but he’d been so self-righteous, looking down on Rufus, Farrah, and Gary for their callous attitudes. He resolved to be different. Now he had killed as much as any of them, probably more. He was still unsure if it was naiveté or decency that he’d discarded along the way.
He would never know how many Ustei tribesman had fallen to his afflictions in the battle on the sand barge. He regretted his participation now, but that didn’t bring the people he killed back to life. At the time, he’d been caught up in the wild rush of the adventuring life, not even considering the reality of what he was doing.
That day, he’d just followed orders, killing wantonly and not even feeling bad. So much blood on his hands, yet he’d been excited about his first attribute advancement instead of horrified at the slaughter in which he’d not just participated but revelled.
Maybe there hadn’t been a better solution and the battle with the Ustei was inevitable. It was certainly true that they had to be stopped from rampaging through villages, killing and taking slaves. But was any real attempt made at a peaceful solution? Jason wasn’t foolish enough to think he was done with killing, but he wanted to be confident in himself that it was the right thing, instead of just accepting the assurance of others. Even now, he felt little. No churn of the stomach, no tremor of the hands. He held serious doubts about his own judgement.
He had made other mistakes on his search to make peace with the propensity for violence he had found within himself. His callousness had grown, and people had died at his hands that he knew should not have. The third-rate adventurers Thadwick sent after him could have been sent packing with the same ease that he slaughtered half their number. He had taken their lives, caught up in his own dark mythology.
Killing had become easy, even casual. He’d told himself that it was necessary; he had to send a message to the next people who came after him. The truth he now understood was that he’d been caught up in his own ego and power.
Rufus had warned him that he would need to harden himself to the realities of a violent world. It was necessary when monsters threatened innocent people and power turned the selfish into tyrants. What he had warned Jason about was the danger of becoming one of those tyrants himself. The god Dominion had seen it and apparently approved.
He had tried to balance himself out. There was no reclaiming innocence, but he at least tried to pull back from the dark precipice. He hadn’t wanted to go after the bandits that took over some desert town. He knew it would be too easy to justify the killing to himself, yet he let himself be talked into it.
His kill count for the day came to thirty-seven. Three dozen people in a single afternoon. He could not say he went unaffected by the magnitude of his actions, but the most damning thing was that he didn’t regret them. It was a grim job carried out with grim satisfaction.
The person that arrived in that magical other world was not the person who left it. Looking out at the dark, rain-filled sky of his own world, he couldn’t help but wonder if there was a place for him in it anymore. He wasn’t sure he deserved one.
Jason shook his head to dispel the dark thoughts. For all his dark deeds, he had done a lot of good as well. There was no changing the past, so all he could do was move forward and keep trying his best. In the meantime, he brought up the next system window.
You have received the blessing of the World-Phoenix.
If you accept the blessing, your outworlder racial ability [Astral Affinity] will evolve to [Nirvanic Transfiguration].
If you reject the blessing, your ability will remain unchanged and can be transfigured by normal means or other blessings in the future.
He had no idea what the World-Phoenix wanted from him, or why it had slipped him a token as his soul was dragged through the astral space on his way to becoming an outworlder. According to Clive, the World-Phoenix’s area of concern was dimensional stability. Its interests lay in events that impacted whole realities, with little care for mortal affairs. When the World-Phoenix did act on that small of a scale, it was oblique and subtle. Was the World-Phoenix trying to make Jason the butterfly whose wings led to the rise of a hurricane?
Jason had no insights into the World-Phoenix’s objectives or intentions for him, which was exactly the problem. Entities existing in realms he couldn’t imagine were playing games on a board he was too small to see. He had no interest in being someone’s pawn and, if he saw the chance, would rather flip the board over entirely.
According to Clive, a great astral being’s blessing was very different to their star seeds. It could not control the recipient outside of ordinary methods like gratitude and obligation. The ability, once granted, could not be revoked like that from a divine awakening stone. It was truly a gift that could be neither managed nor revoked by the giver.
Some great astral beings were even known to give blessings to those that opposed their interests when their ideologies meshed. Jason himself had already received a power transfiguration through a blessing, courtesy of a Reaper token. His system had not asked for confirmation at that time; apparently, his use of the token while absorbing an awakening stone served as consent. He looked over the description of his potential new power.
Ability: [Nirvanic Transfiguration]
This ability will be evolved from the ability [Astral Affinity].
Your body and soul will be combined into a gestalt entity both physical and spiritual in nature. This state will grant inherent resistance to effects that utilise the soul-body disconnect.
When suffering lethal damage, your death will trigger a nirvanic rebirth, restoring your body to a state of full integrity. This effect cannot be triggered again until you have increased in rank from the last time it was used. This ability will change on reaching diamond rank.
The nature of your new body will render you immune to other resurrection effects, including those of high-rank healing magic. If your body is discorporated when the nirvanic rebirth is unavailable, your soul will return to a purely spiritual state, unable to reinhabit a physical form or re-enter a physical reality. This prevents the natural formation of an outworlder body on entering a physical reality. These restrictions will change on reaching diamond rank.
The strength of your aura will significantly increase.
Your resistance to hostile dimension effects and disruptive force damage will be increased. This is an enhancement of the [Astral Affinity] ability.