He Who Fights with Monsters 5: A LitRPG Adventure

“So today, Erika will be making a delicious key lime pie…”

Out of shot, standing next to the executive producer, Taika leaned over to whisper a question.

“You don’t put the bickering in the show, do you?”

“We edit it back for the airing,” Wally said, “but we do a special cut for the website. It’s a massive traffic driver every time he’s on. The audience love them together. I’d have him co-host if he’d just agree to it. Selling stationery and he doesn’t want to be a TV star. I don’t suppose you could try talking him into it?”

“I don’t think so, bro. He doesn’t sell office supplies anymore.”





Several hours later, Jason was dealing with a group of stern Chinese men who did not look like big Beachside Kitchen fans. The man at the front was the leader of the group and one of only two that had spoken during the meeting. The only flower among the rocks was the leader’s beautiful, young-seeming daughter, wearing the same sharp suit and sharp expression as the rest.

“You are a fool to reject our entreaties, Mr Asano,” the leader said.

“I was already a fool, Mr Li, so it wasn’t out of my way.”

A smile teased the corner of his daughter’s lips, but she quickly schooled her expression. They were standing in the conference lobby of Castle Reach’s largest business resort, although the only other one was just marginally smaller. Li Ning and his daughter, Li Li Mei, were both silver-rankers, while their unspeaking flunkies were all iron.

“You will come to regret being so flippant,” the elder Li said and marched away. The flunkies followed in lockstep, but his daughter remained behind.

“I always do,” Jason confided in her. “Actually, that’s a lie; I thought it would sound cool. To be honest, I’m killing it.”

“You are an unconventional man, Mr Asano,” Li Mei said. “Although we have not come to an agreement today, I hope you will consider yourself open to perhaps a more modest collaboration in the future.”

“Modest isn’t really my thing, but I’ll try and be open-minded. You know, I respect the approach you’re taking. You figured out that you didn’t have anything that would swing me, so your dad comes in all bluster, making me feel powerful in rejecting him. Then you step in, reasonable, graceful and measured, to keep the door open.”

She gave him a wry smile. “Did it work?”

“Definitely,” Jason said with a grin. “I’d give you my phone number, but something tells me you already have it. How about you give me yours?”

She gave him a sunbeam smile and handed him a business card with both hands. Jason looked it over, seeing her work numbers on the front. He chuckled as he turned it over and saw another number, hand-written in pen and labelled ‘personal.’

“Is your dad really like that, or was it a show for my benefit?”

“This approach was his design,” she admitted, “although he was playing to his strengths.”

“I think you both were.”

“And what do you think my strengths are, Mr Asano?”

“Most things, from what I can tell. Not blending in, though. I have trouble imagining a crowd where you don’t stand out.”

“Daughter!” her father barked from the lobby entrance. “We are leaving!”

“I have to go, Mr Asano.”

“I am genuinely disappointed, Miss Li. I look forward to seeing you again.”

As the Beijing Network delegation left, Jason wandered over to one of the lobby couches and crashed down.

“Strewth, that was a good plan.” Jason said. “I think they may have sent the most beautiful woman in China.”

“She is silver rank, Mr Asano,” Shade pointed out. “She most likely heard what you just said.”

“Oh, you’re right,” Jason said. “Whatever will I do now? She’s heard me call her the most beautiful woman in China.”

“Ah, you intended her to hear. I may have spoiled your intentions by drawing attention to it.”

“No, I expected you to point that out.”

“Then why say it?”

“Because she doesn’t need me to tell her how gorgeous she is. But this way, I get to do it while demonstrating that I thought things through this far, knowing that she’s listening to us right now.”

“Aren’t you concerned she might see you as smug?”

“I am smug, Shade. I find it best to put that right out there, given it’s a core character trait.”

“When will you let her know about the melodrama?”

“Ideally while I’m rescuing her as she’s falling off a building.”

“She’s a silver-ranker, Mr Asano. I imagine she would rescue herself.”

“That does make it tricky,” Jason agreed. “How hard would it be to arrange another rolling motorcycle shootout?”

“I believe events of that nature are best left to occur organically.”

“How often does something like that happen organically?”

“Well, Mr Asano,” Shade said, “how has your week been so far?”





“I was hoping we could meet on your remarkable houseboat,” Lance Houseman said in a neutral accent. It reminded Jason a little of Farrah, whose translation ability made her English somewhat flat. Not everyone had Jason’s aptitude for forcing colloquial flavour through the sieve of a magical translation.

The American’s accent was not the result of a translation power, however. It was the classic mid-Atlantic banality, designed not to offend anyone yet slightly annoying everyone. Or perhaps that was the work of the smug self-confidence, Jason considered. He wondered, for a moment, if that was how people saw him, then dismissed the thought.

They were sitting in a Castle Reach café, the American with a long black and Jason with an iced chocolate, piled high with cream. Houseman had chosen to meet him alone.

“Your people have been examining my houseboat for days,” Jason said. “You should ask them.”

“That wasn’t us,” Lance said. “You might want to look to the Chinese for that.”

“You just lied to me, Mr Houseman,” Jason said. “Not a great start.”

Jason sipped at his iced chocolate, getting whipped cream on his nose but seeming not to notice. The American’s attention was drawn to it, distracted, but he didn’t say anything.

“Why don’t we get straight to the point,” Lance said. “My understanding is that you’re not a man to beat around the bush.”

“And you’re not a man to act incautiously,” Jason said. “All those category threes lurking around. Do you really think I’m that dangerous?”

“If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be worth my time, Mr Asano.”

“Sure I would,” Jason said. “I could be a bumbling fool and you’d be here, so long as I was a bumbling fool with a looting power. Even if that’s the only worthwhile thing I picked up over there, that’s money in the bank.”

“I don’t think you want money, Mr Asano. We can offer you more than the locals, no question, but you don’t care because you don’t need it. You’re waiting to hear what we can give you that they can’t.”

“Actually, I’m waiting for you to leave. I made a deal that I can’t close because you and your people are obnoxious enough to insert yourselves where you aren’t wanted. I feel like an oil-rich nation.”

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