Hanoi would be an ending in many ways. If I managed to survive killing Dylan, I would have plenty of time to mourn. For the moment, I tucked away the doubts in the back of my mind. In the playroom, I trusted Alexander completely. Everything else was going to have to wait till after Vietnam.
We both sat down in the study. With shaking fingers, I pulled out the contract and extended it towards him. He stiffened almost imperceptibly when he saw what I held, then he raised an eyebrow at me.
“It says four sessions a week,” I said.
His eyes found mine. “After the beating you endured at Sylvia’s hands, the contract’s null and void,” he replied flatly. “You’ll find that there’s measures written into the document for this kind of thing. The money will be fully paid to your account, of course. Your sister’s treatment will not be in jeopardy as a result of this incident.”
“Don’t I get a say?” I was proud of the strength in my voice. “Mistakes happen. Can’t we get past this?”
“I promised I’d keep you safe from her. I failed.”
I was a trained operative. If he wanted to void the contract, he might not take me to Vietnam and that should have caused the most panic. Yet it wasn’t that risk that caused my heart to shrivel with agony. It was that he wanted me gone.
I only had the truth to use as a weapon. No contract. No games. Nothing other than honesty. Or, as close to honesty as I dared get, while still keeping my real identity and motivations a secret.
“Alexander,” I whispered. I slid down on my knees at his feet. “Sir.” My eyes met his. “Please don’t send me away.” I bit my lip and continued before he could speak and voice a rejection. “You’ve made the playroom a safe space for me. You’ve taught me what trust is and shown me the pleasures that come with surrendering my control. If you send me away…” My voice trailed away. I fisted my fingers into my palms and fought for calm.
“I need to go back to the playroom with you. I don’t want to flinch away from the canes.”
He contradicted those words immediately. “I’m not going to cane your ass.” There was no room to argue there. “You’ve barely healed. It’s too soon.”
I looked up at him, trying to bargain for what I needed. “I don’t want to be hit with the cane. That just hurts and I don’t get any pleasure out of it,” I said. “But you don’t have to use full force, do you? We could just play.”
He looked troubled. “You want to play with the cane?” He was repeating my words to buy himself some time. I could see the wheels in his head turning, though his thoughts remained concealed from me.
I nodded. “I need to reclaim your playroom. I felt safe there. I want to feel safe there again.”
***
Alexander:
She’d wanted to live in a house on top of a hill, surrounded by water, so she could see who was sneaking up on her.
Because of what Dylan had done to her. Because of what Sylvia had done.
I’d spent so much of my life trying to undo the damage Dylan caused, uncaring about its impact on my life, but this thing she asked of me? This was going to destroy me.
I knew she’d entered the playroom in the last few days, but what she didn’t know was that I couldn’t bring myself to enter that same space. I couldn’t approach the door without seeing the image of her bloodied bottom and her tear-streaked face. I couldn’t walk past without being reminded that I had failed to protect her.
Fifteen women and none more important than her. My bright star.
She could ask anything of me and I would move mountains to make it so. Anything she desired – if it was within my power to give, I would. Including this. Even if each stroke of the cane was going to tear a hole in my soul.
“You aren’t bound by the contract or the money. You could leave now.” My words were a lie. Her goal was Hanoi. Her target, Dylan. She wouldn’t leave. She couldn’t, not when she’d come so far.
Yet I could also tell that her request was real. She did need me to cane her in the playroom. It was a necessary part of her recovery and not a ploy to regain closeness to me. We might have stayed shrouded in our lies, but in the playroom, all the pretenses dropped away and only honesty was left.
“I really can’t.” Her voice was soft.
I nodded. “In that case, go upstairs. Get naked. Wait at the door to the playroom.” I smiled at her. “On your knees, of course.”
She closed her eyes for a long moment. “Thank you, Sir,” she said finally.
I stroked her hair gently, then my voice hardened. “Jenny,” I snapped. “Which part of go upstairs and wait was unclear to you?”
She grinned slightly at my tone of mock-displeasure. “Sorry Sir,” she laughed. “I’m going right now.”
I watched her leave with a smile on my lips, but my smile dimmed once I was alone in the room. I had no business playing with her. Hanoi was mere days away. When the truth all came out, she would hate me for what I had done. Worse, I would hate myself.
***
She was naked and kneeling at the entrance to the playroom, waiting for me.