THREE
“What’s going on? Why do we need to talk?” More questions from James. He’s a freaking question machine. “Is everything okay? Can you tell Juliette not to eat my breakfast?” He cranes his neck to catch a glimpse of her, still sitting at the table. “Sometimes she eats my pudding.”
“Hey,” I say, grabbing hold of his shoulders. “Look at me.”
James turns to face me. “What’s wrong, Addie?” He searches my eyes. “You’re not really going to die, are you?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him. “Maybe, maybe not.”
“Don’t say that,” he says quietly, dropping his gaze. “Don’t say that. It’s not nice to talk like that.”
“James.”
He looks up again, slowly this time.
I drop to my knees and pull him close, resting my forehead against his. I’m staring at the floor, and I know he is, too. I can hear our hearts racing in the silence.
“I love you,” I finally say to him. “You know that, right? You always come first. Everything I do is to take care of you. To protect you. To provide for you.”
James nods.
“It’s you first,” I say to him. “It’s always you first and everyone else second. And that’s never going to change. Okay?”
James nods again. A tear falls on the floor between us. “Okay, Addie.”
“Come here,” I whisper, tugging him into my arms. “We’re going to be okay.”
James clings to me, acting more like a child than he has in a long time, and I’m happy to see it. Sometimes I worry he’s growing up way too fast in this shitty world, and though I know I can’t protect him from everything, I still try. He’s been the only constant in my life for as long as I can remember; I think it’d rip me apart if anything happened to him.
I’ll never love anyone the way I love this kid.