“Thank you, but no.” I could almost picture her jaw snapping shut to form a frown. “Money isn’t why I’m staying. You were right. There are some things I need to work out, including talking to my parents. Until I do, it won’t matter where I go. My issues will follow. Spain seems like as good a place as any to put my life back together. All matadors and bulls and red capes. Should be good inspiration to face things head-on.”
I sounded twice as confident as I actually felt. I wondered if I would ever be able to stop pretending. This was how it started last time. First, you pretend for others, then you pretend for yourself. Then you pretend because everything is a lie, and you have to keep the cycle going.
Bliss said, “Speaking of matadors … any dangerously sexy Spanish men I should know about?”
“I’m taking a break from that, too.”
I couldn’t even think about sex right now. It just … it wasn’t what it used to be for me, like a word with a new definition.
Silence took up the other end of the phone.
“I think that’s smart, Kels. You’re going to get through this. You’re bold and brave and strong. You’ll be fine.”
“You’re obligated as my best friend to say things like that.”
“It’s the truth. The only reason I’m as happy as I am now is because one night in a bar, I borrowed your bravery. Have I ever thanked you for that, by the way?”
“You have, and you’re welcome. But I’m not nearly as brave as I pretend to be.”
“Bull-massive-shit. Do you realize how much courage you had to have to tell me about all this? It took me until senior year to even admit to you that I was a virgin.”
I gave an almost laugh. “Oh, those were the days.”
“Feel free to relive my moments of awkwardness if it cheers you up.”
I smiled, small but real. “Thanks for the pep talk. And for listening.”
“Of course. I love you.”
“Like family,” I answered. The only one that mattered to me now.
“Call me again soon!”
“I will. Bye, Bliss.”
Hunt was many things, many of them not good. But in this what instance, he’d been dead right.
Because even as the cold concrete floor kissed my skin, and the stringent smell of cleaner dulled my senses, I excavated a full smile. It had been brief—like a too-short touch—but I had felt it.
Just a whisper of home.
30
AFTER MONTHS OF wandering and wanting with no direction, it was good to finally have a tangible thing at which to direct my energies.
A job. Money. A place to stay.
I could handle that.
As it turned out, there was a high demand in Madrid for English-speakers to teach or assist in classrooms in bilingual programs. I’d never been a teacher, but I had a degree. And Hunt’s mention of the career had stuck with me. After growing up in Texas, I had enough basic Spanish skills to get around. When I saw the ad in an English-language newspaper in my hostel, and it said no teaching experience was necessary, I knew it was perfect. Like when you find the perfect dress that somehow makes you feel better for having slipped it on.
I applied for a work visa and contacted the Ministry of Education. By the end of the month, I had a job as a Language and Culture Assistant. Well … two jobs, technically: one working part-time with teenagers and the other working with younger kids. Plus about four private lessons a week to help make ends meet.
New Life Realization #1:
Being an adult is hard work. I know people tell you this growing up, but it doesn’t really sink in until you’re living it, waist deep in the swamps of no-free-time and not-enough-money.
New Life Realization #2:
It’s worth it.
It was a new kind of satisfaction, being on my own and being okay. More than okay, I was good.
I had a job. Okay, lots of them. I had an apartment, too. And I’d sent a letter to my parents.
I’d poured out every bitter hurt and vulnerable thought I’d ever suppressed and sealed a slice of my heart inside an envelope. It wasn’t the bravest way to face them, but the words were brave, and that was enough for now.
Predictably, I didn’t hear back. I hadn’t expected to either. Answering would acknowledge that there was a problem, and they much preferred to pretend those didn’t exist. Even now they were probably telling some atrocious lie about why I wasn’t around.
I was surprised by how little that bothered me. I wondered if everyone experienced a moment like this—a moment where you realize you’ve outgrown your own parents. Not just because I didn’t need them anymore, but because I’d finally realized that they were as stuck as I had been. I saw them with a kind of clarity that it’s impossible to see when you’re a kid, and when you’re parents are the end all and be all of your life.
A reply did come eventually, but not from my parents.
“Carlos? What is this?”
Carlos was nine, and had the biggest attitude in class by far. That’s probably why I adored him.
“My homework, Miss Summers.”
“Not that, I mean this.” I held up the sealed envelope he’d turned in with his work.
He smiled, a heartbreaker smirk in the making. “That’s for you, Miss.”
“And what is it?”
He shrugged in that way that kids do when they don’t know or care about the answer.
“Where did you get it?”
“A man.”
“What man?”
“I don’t know. Americano.”
Se?ora Alvez, the lead teacher, shushed him. “English only, Carlos.”
I didn’t ask any more questions because I didn’t want to get him in trouble. But when Se?ora Alvez began her lesson, I slipped my finger under the lip of the envelope and pried it open as quietly as possible.
I’d never really seen Hunt’s handwriting, but I recognized it anyway. It just … looked like him. Strong. Meticulous. Aggravating.
I couldn’t read the words. I wouldn’t. But I counted one, two, three pages, and a sketch. The playground. The one from Prague.