Understanding what he meant, I could only nod, confused, too confused to be thinking clearly.
A mere second later he pushed into me and I cried out at the swift invasion. But as he moved in me, an uneasiness triumphed over my lust. We’d never had sex without a condom, but we’d had sex like this before and I’d enjoyed it. Yet right then, not being able to see his face—being faceless to him—felt wrong. It felt like he was making a point to cover up his earlier jealousy.
It felt like he was telling me I was just a body.
And all the heat leaked out of me.
Tears pricked my eyes before I could stop them.
It shouldn’t have shocked me that Caleb sensed the change in me immediately, but it did. I suspected most guys would have been too blinded by their own pleasure-seeking to notice. Instead he was so attuned to me, he knew instantly the moment I stopped enjoying myself. He withdrew from me completely. He let go of my hair to grip my hips with both hands. “Ava?”
I shook my head, afraid if I spoke I’d start to cry.
“Shit,” he bit out. “Ava?”
When I continued to remain silent, he cursed again, and then I heard the sound of the zipper on his jeans. This was followed by him inexplicably removing my shoes and then my jeans and underwear from around my ankles.
I glanced down over my shoulder to protest, but the words were halted when he suddenly stood and swung me up into his arms. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around his neck, but I couldn’t look at him. I felt his eyes on my face and I wondered if he could feel how fast my heart was beating. Wearing nothing but my sweater, I found myself carried into the large master bedroom, noting wearily that the floor-to-ceiling windows continued in here, as did the balcony.
“Caleb,” I whispered.
He laid me gently on the bed but didn’t give me space. At all. He settled over me, between my legs, his body braced above me by his hands at either side of my head. And he frowned down at me, his eyes studying me with an intensity that made me breathless.
“What just happened? Was it because I didn’t want tae wear a condom? You’re on the pill, right? I’ve seen you take it.”
Determined to be as honest as I could with him while still protecting myself, I attempted to keep the hurt out of my voice as I replied, “No. I mean, yes, I’m on the pill, but it’s not about the condom or lack thereof. It just … that felt a little too much like sex between strangers.”
His brows pulled together. “Explain.”
“I was never going to overanalyze the fact that you didn’t want me sleeping with Leo. Okay. You don’t like to share. Great. Got it. I don’t like to share either—that’s why I called it off with Leo. But—” I sucked in a breath, forcing the tears away, the emotion, so he wouldn’t know how much he could toy with my feelings. “That didn’t feel like how it normally feels. It felt like you were proving a point. Like … I could be anybody. That I was just a body to use.”
Anger suffused his features. Caleb was Pissed with a capital P. I wanted to sink into the mattress to melt out of his sight range.
“No matter what is going on between us,” he bit out, “I would never treat you like some faceless whore.”
I flinched. “Then what was that out there? Why did it feel different?”
Caleb pushed up off me so that he was kneeling between my spread legs and scrubbed his hands over his beard, letting out a grunt of frustration.
“Caleb, I’m always honest with you.”
He glowered at me and didn’t respond for what felt like ages. Then finally … “I was jealous. You’re right. I just … I wanted tae wipe any thought of that arsehole out of your head. It wasn’t anything more than that.”
“It was. It was supposed to be punishment sex. For making you feel more than you want to.”
“Jesus Christ, do you just say everything you’re thinking, Ava?”
I couldn’t tell if he was mad at my honesty or in awe of it. I think maybe a bit of both. “You can feel possessive of someone without it having to mean anything serious,” I answered, attempting to reassure us both. “We have a great sexual connection. It makes sense that we’d be covetous of it.”
He seemed to process this for a second, and then he leaned over me again, bracing himself above me. His mouth hovered over mine and he said softly, “I’m sorry I made you feel like you were being used. You’re the last person I want tae hurt, wee yin.”
Warmth flooded me, soothing my earlier fears. “Wee yin?”
“Aye, wee yin. Wee one.”
I bit my lip to stop a cheesy smile from taking over my face. “I like that better than ‘babe.’ ”
He kissed me in answer, a soft, sweet, gentle kiss filled with a quiet yearning that made my heart catch and words tumble out of my mouth before I could stop them as he pulled back. “Make love to me.”
Caleb’s gaze sharpened as his whole body locked above me with tension. “Ava—”
“It won’t mean that you love me or that I love you,” I whispered. “But I’m still a woman, Caleb. I just … I need to feel like you want me. I need to feel that you see me.”
This whole conversation, our entire interaction since I’d walked into his apartment, was breaking our unspoken rules, but I couldn’t help myself. If he ended things, he ended things, but at least I would know I hadn’t let myself be treated like a mere means of satisfaction.
“I do see you, wee yin,” he said, the words gruff, hoarse, as if discussing any kind of emotion was so rare the words came out all rusty from disuse. “I didn’t touch another woman back home and it wasn’t because there wasn’t an opportunity tae. I do see you.”
More than pleased by that response, my heart fluttering wildly in my chest, I sat up, forcing him back a little so I could whip my sweater off. My bra soon followed it to the floor and I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders to press my breasts to his hard naked chest. My kiss was fierce, yearning, and he immediately got swept up in my desire. His strong arms banded around me, crushing me against him, and we kissed and kissed until we were panting for breath.
When his mouth left mine, it was so he could kiss me all over. I felt his tender kisses on my chest, my breasts, trailing a path down my body, to my center. He kissed me there until I exploded in relief, and while I was coming down from my climax, he removed his jeans and rejoined me on the bed.
This time when he pressed inside it was a slow, thick glide as he returned his mouth to my mouth. We kissed and gasped against each other’s lips. I wrapped him up, my thighs pressed against his hips, my arms around his back, holding him to me.
In that moment this man was my entire world and the orgasm he gave me was world-shattering. He tensed, his groan filling my mouth, and I kissed him, capturing his release inside me in every way I could.
When he finally lifted his head and our eyes met, I saw something that chased the pleasure away.
I saw his fear.
And I hated it.
Lowering my gaze, I forced a smile. “Multiple orgasms. Someone is in fine form tonight,” I joked, trying to break the sudden tension.
I prepared myself for his cold withdrawal. Instead, he grinned and I knew he’d fought back the fear. We would be okay. We would find our way back to a safe place where it was just great sex between two friends who trusted each other.
We would.
We had to.
We were still lying in bed when we heard a male voice, remarkably similar to Caleb’s, call out, “I know you told me tae bugger off, but it started tae piss down out there and I’m bored!”
Caleb threw the duvet over me, hiding me, as he jumped out of bed to shut the bedroom door. “I’ll be out in a second!” he yelled back.
Amused, I watched as he hurried back into his jeans and threw my sweater and bra at me. “Your brother, I presume,” I said as I got out of bed and pulled my clothes on.
“Aye.” His eyes glazed over a little at the sight of my half-nakedness. “Where are your knickers and jeans?”
“Out there. Where you took them off.”