Fifty Shades of Grey

"It's Christian, he's had to go back to Seattle. He apologizes."

"Oh! That's a shame, darling. We can still have our barbecue, and now we have something to celebrate - your new job! You have to tell me all about it."

It's late afternoon, and Mom and I are lying beside the pool. My mother has relaxed to the point where she is literally horizontal now that Mr. Megabucks is not coming to dinner. As I lie in the sun, endeavoring to lose the pale, I think about yesterday evening and breakfast today. I think about Christian, and my ridiculous grin refuses to subside. It keeps creeping across my face, unbidden and disconcerting, as I recall our various conversations and what we did... what he did.

There seems to be tidal shift in Christian's attitude. He denies it but - he admits he's trying for more. What could have changedWhat has altered since he sent his long email and when I saw him yesterdayWhat has he doneI sit up suddenly, almost spilling my Dr. Pepper. He had dinner with... her. Elena.

Holy F*ck!

My scalp prickles at the realization. Did she say something to himOh... to have been a fly on the wall during their dinner. I could have landed in her soup or on her wine glass and choked her.

"What is it, Ana, honey?" Mom asks, startled from her torpor.

"I'm just having a moment, Mom. What time is it?"

"About 6:30 p.m., darling."

Hmm... he won't have landed yet. Can I ask himShould I ask himOr perhaps she has nothing to do with it. I fervently hope so. What did I say in my sleep Crap... some unguarded remark while dreaming about him, I betWhatever it is, or was, I hope the sea of change is coming from within him and not because of her.

I am sweltering in this damned heat. I need another dip in the pool.

As I get ready for bed, I switch on my computer. I have heard nothing from Christian.

Not even a word that he's arrived safely.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Safe Arrival?

Date: June 2 2011 22:32 EST

To: Christian Grey

Dear Sir

Please let me know that you have arrived safely. I am starting to worry. Thinking of you.

Your Ana. x

Three minutes later, I hear the ping from my email in-box.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Sorry

Date: June 2 2011 19:36

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

I have arrived safely, and please accept my apologies for not letting you know. I don't want to cause you any worry, it's heart warming to know that you care for me. I am thinking of you too and as ever looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

I sigh, Christian is back to formality.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: The Situation

Date: June 2 2011 22:40 EST

To: Christian Grey

Dear Mr. Grey

I think it is very evident that I care for you deeply. How could you doubt that?

I hope your 'situation' is in hand.

Your Ana x

PS: Are you going to tell me what I said in my sleep?

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Pleading the Fifth

Date: June 2 2011 19:45

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

I like very much that you care for me. The 'situation' here is not yet resolved.

With regard to your PS: The answer is - No.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Pleading Insanity

Date: June 2 2011 22:48 EST

To: Christian Grey

I hope it was amusing. But you should know I cannot accept any responsibility for what comes out of my mouth when I am unconscious. In fact - you probably misheard me.

A man of your advanced years is surely a little deaf.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Pleading Guilty

Date: June 2 2011 19:52

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

Sorry, could you speak upI can't hear you.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Pleading Insanity Again

Date: June 2 2011 22:54 EST

To: Christian Grey

You are driving me crazy.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: I hope so...

Date: June 2 2011 19:59

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

I intend to do exactly that on Friday evening. Looking forward to it

;)

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Grrrrrr

Date: June 2 2011 23:02 EST

To: Christian Grey

I am officially pissed at you.

Goodnight.

Miss A. R. Steele

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Wild Cat

Date: June 2 2011 20:05

To: Anastasia Steele

Are you growling at me Miss Steele?

I possess a cat of my own for growlers.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Cat of his ownI've never seen a cat in his apartment. No, I am not going to answer him.

Oh, he can be so exasperating sometimes. Fifty shades of exasperating. I clamber into bed and lie glaring at the ceiling as my eyes adjust to the dark. I hear another ping from my computer. I am not going to look. No definitely not. No, I am not going to look. Gah!

Like the fool I am, I cannot resist the lure of Christian Grey's words.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: What you said in your sleep

Date: June 2 2011 20:20

To: Anastasia Steele

Anastasia

I'd rather hear you say the words that you uttered in your sleep when you're conscious, that's why I won't tell you. Go to sleep. You'll need to be rested with what I have in mind for you tomorrow.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Oh no... What have I saidIt's as bad as I think, I'm sure.

My mother hugs me tightly.

"Follow your heart, darling, and please, please - try not to over-think things. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything." Her heartfelt words are comforting whispered in my ear. She kisses my hair.

"Oh, Mom." Hot, unwelcome tears prick my eyes as I cling to her.

"Darling, you know what they say. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince."

I give her a lopsided, bittersweet smile.

"I think I've kissed a prince, Mom. I hope he doesn't turn into a frog."

She gives me her most endearing-motherly-absolute-unconditional-love smile, and I marvel at the love I feel for this woman as we hug again.

"Ana - they're calling your flight," Bob's voice is anxious.

"Will you visit, Mom?"

"Of course darling - soon. Love you."

"Me too."

Her eyes are red with unshed tears as she releases me. I hate leaving her. I hug Bob, and turning, head to the gate - I do not have time for the first class lounge today. I will myself not to glance back. But I do... and Bob is holding my mom, and tears are streaming

down her face. I can no longer hold mine back. I put my head down and proceed to the gate, keeping my eyes on the shiny, white floor, blurred through my watery tears.

Once on board, in the luxury of first class, I curl up in my seat and try to compose myself. It is always painful to wrench myself away from Mom... she is scatty, disorganized, but newly insightful, and she loves me. Unconditional love - what every child deserves from its parents. I frown at my wayward thoughts, and pulling out my BlackBerry, stare at it despondently.

What does Christian know of loveSeems he didn't get the unconditional love he was entitled to during his very early years. My heart twists, and my mother's words waft like a zephyr through my mind: Yes, Ana. Hell - what do you need - a neon sign flashing on his forehead She thinks Christian loves me, but then she's my mother, of course she'd think that. She thinks I deserve the best of everything. I frown. It's true, and in a moment of startling clarity, I see it. It's very simple: I want his love. I need Christian Grey to love me.

This is why I am so reticent about our relationship - because on some basic, fundamental level, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished.

And because of his fifty shades - I am holding myself back. The BDSM is a distraction from the real issue. The sex is amazing, he's wealthy, he's beautiful, but this is all meaningless without his love, and the real heart-fail is that I don't know if he's capable of love. He doesn't even love himself. I recall his self-loathing, her love being the only form he found - acceptable. Punished - whipped, beaten, whatever their relationship entailed -

he feels undeserving of love. Why does he feel like thatHow can he feel like thatHis words haunt me: 'It's very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you're not perfect.'