Fifty Shades of Grey

I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all.

"Most men are moody darling, some more than others. Take your father for instance...," Her eyes soften and sadden whenever she thinks of my dad. My real dad, this mythical man I never knew, snatched so cruelly from us in a combat training accident when he was a marine. Part of me thinks my mom has been looking for someone like my dad all this time... maybe she's finally found what she's looking for in Bob. Pity she couldn't find it with Ray.

"I used to think your father was moody. But now when I look back, I just think he was too caught up in his job and trying to make a life for us." She sighs. "He was so young, we both were. Maybe that was the issue."

Hmm... Christian is not exactly old. I smile fondly at her. She can become very soulful thinking about my father, but I'm sure he had nothing on Christian's moods.

"Bob wants to take us out tonight for dinner. To his golf club."

"Oh no! Bob's started playing golf?" I scoff in disbelief.

"Tell me about it," groans my mother, rolling her eyes.

After a light lunch back at the house, I start to unpack. I am going to treat myself to a si-esta. My mother has disappeared to mold some candles or whatever she does with them, and Bob is at work, so I have time to catch up on some sleep. I open the Mac and fire it up.

It's two in the afternoon in Georgia, eleven in the morning in Seattle. I wonder if I have a reply from Christian. Nervously, I log into the email program.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Finally!

Date: May 31 2011 07:30

To: Anastasia Steele

Anastasia

I am annoyed that as soon as you put some distance between us, you communicate openly and honestly with me. Why can't you do that when we're together?

Yes, I'm rich. Get used to it. Why shouldn't I spend money on youWe've told your father I'm your boyfriend, for heaven's sake. Isn't that what boyfriends doAs your Dom, I would expect you to accept whatever I spend on you with no argument. Incidentally, tell your mother too.

I don't know how to answer your comment about feeling like a whore. I know that's not what you've written, but it's what you imply. I don't know what I can say or do to eradicate these feelings. I'd like you to have the best of everything. I work exceptionally hard, so I can spend my money as I see fit. I could buy you your heart's desire, Anastasia, and I want to. Call it redistribution of wealth if you will. Or simply know that I would not, could not ever think of you in the way you described, and I'm angry that's how you perceive yourself. For such a bright, witty, beautiful young woman you have some real self-esteem issues, and I have a half a mind to make an appointment for you with Dr. Flynn.

I apologize for frightening you. I find the thought of instilling fear in you abhorrent. Do you really think I'd let you travel in the holdI offered you my private jet for heaven's sake. Yes it was a joke, a poor one obviously. However, the fact is - the thought of you bound and gagged turns me on (this is not a joke - it's true). I can lose the crate - crates do nothing for me. I know you have issues with gagging, we've talked about that and if/

when I do gag you, we'll discuss it. What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub relationships it is the sub that has all the power. That's you. I'll repeat this - you are the one with all the power. Not I. In the boathouse you said no. I can't touch you if you say no - that's why we have an agreement - what you will and won't do. If we try things and you don't like them, we can revise the agreement. It's up to you - not me. And if you don't want to be bound and gagged in a crate, then it won't happen.

I want to share my lifestyle with you. I have never wanted anything so much. Frankly I'm in awe of you, that one so innocent would be willing to try. That says more to me than you could ever know. You fail to see I am caught in your spell, too, even though I have told you this countless times. I don't want to lose you. I am nervous that you've flown three thousand miles to get away from me for a few days, because you can't think clearly around me. It's the same for me Anastasia. My reason vanishes when we're together -

that's the depth of my feeling for you.

I understand your trepidation. I did try to stay away from you; I knew you were inexperienced, though I would never have pursued you if I had known exactly how innocent you were - and yet you still manage to disarm me completely in a way that nobody has before. Your email for example: I have read and re-read it countless times trying to understand your point of view. Three months is an arbitrary amount of time. We could make it six months, a yearHow long do you want it to beWhat would make you comfortable?

Tell me.

I understand that this is a huge leap of faith for you. I have to earn your trust, but by the same token, you have to communicate with me when I am failing to do this. You seem so strong and self-contained, and then I read what you've written here, and I see another side to you. We have to guide each other Anastasia, and I can only take my cues from you. You have to be honest with me, and we have to both find a way to make this arrangement work.

You worry about not being submissive. Well maybe that's true. Having said that, the only

time you do assume the correct demeanor for a sub is in the playroom. It seems that's the one place where you let me exercise proper control over you, and the only place you do as you're told. Exemplary is the term that comes to mind. And I'd never beat you black and blue. I aim for pink. Outside the playroom, I like that you challenge me. It's a very novel and refreshing experience, and I wouldn't want to change that. So yes, tell me what you want in terms of more. I will endeavor to keep an open mind, and I shall try and give you the space you need and stay away from you while you are in Georgia. I look forward to your next email.

In the meantime, enjoy yourself. But not too much.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Holy crap. He's written an essay like we're back at school - and most of it good. My heart is in my mouth as I re-read his epistle, and I huddle on the spare bed practically hugging my Mac. Make our agreement a yearI have the power! Jeez, I'm going to have to think about that. Take him literally, that's what my mother says. He doesn't want to lose me.

He's said that twice! He wants to make this work too. Oh Christian, so do I! He's going to try and stay away! Does this mean he might fail to stay awaySuddenly, I hope so. I want to see him. We've been apart less than twenty-four hours, and knowing that I can't see him for four days, I realize how much I miss him. How much I love him.

"Ana, honey." The voice is soft and warm, full of love and sweet memories of times gone by. A gentle hand brushes my face. My mom wakes me, and I'm wrapped around my laptop, hugging it to me.

"Ana, sweetheart," she continues in her soft singsong voice while I surface from sleep, blinking in the pale pink light of dusk.

"Hi, Mom." I stretch out and smile.

"We're going out for dinner in thirty minutes. You still want to come?" she asks kindly.

"Oh, yes, Mom, of course." I try very hard, but fail to stifle my yawn.

"Now that's an impressive piece of technology." She points to my laptop.

Oh crap.

"Oh... this?" I strive for casual, surprised nonchalance.

Will Mom noticeShe seems to have grown more astute since I acquired a 'boyfriend'.

"Christian lent it to me. I think I could pilot the space shuttle with it, but I just use it for emails and Internet access."

Really it's nothing. Eyeing me suspiciously, she sits down on the bed and tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

"Has he emailed you?"

Oh double crap.

"Yeah." My nonchalance is wearing thin, and I flush.

"Perhaps he's missing you, huh?"

"I hope so, Mom."

"What does he say?"

Oh triple crap. I frantically try to think of something acceptable from that email I can tell my mother. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about Doms and bondage and gagging, but then I can't tell her because there's the NDA.

"He's told me to enjoy myself, but not too much."

"Sounds reasonable. I'll leave you to get ready, honey." Leaning over, she kisses my forehead. "I'm so glad you're here, Ana. It's wonderful to see you." And with that loving statement, she leaves.

Hmm, Christian and reasonable... two concepts that I thought were mutually exclusive, but after his email, maybe all things are possible. I shake my head. I will need time to digest his words. Probably after dinner - and I can reply to him then. I climb out of bed and quickly slip out of my t-shirt and shorts, and head to the shower.

I have brought Kate's gray halter-neck dress that I wore for my graduation. It's the only dressy item I have. One good thing about the heat is that the creases have dropped out, so I think it will do for the golf club. As I dress, I wake the laptop up. There is nothing new from Christian, and I feel a stab of disappointment. Very quickly, I type him an email.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Verbose?

Date: May 31 2011 19:08 EST

To: Christian Grey

Sir, you are quite the loquacious writer. I have to go to dinner at Bob's golf club, and just so you know, I am rolling my eyes at the thought. But you and your twitchy palm are a long way from me so my behind is safe, for now. I loved your email. Will respond when I can. I miss you already.

Enjoy your afternoon.

Your Ana

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Your behind

Date: May 31 2011 16:10

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

I am distracted by the title of this email. Needless to say it is safe - for now.

Enjoy your dinner, and I miss you too, especially your behind and your smart mouth.

My afternoon will be dull, brightened only by thoughts of you and your eye rolling. I think it was you who so judiciously pointed out to me that I too suffer from that nasty habit.

Christian Grey

CEO & Eye Roller, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Eye Rolling

Date: May 31 2011 19:14 EST

To: Christian Grey

Dear Mr. Grey

Stop emailing me. I am trying to get ready for dinner. You are very distracting, even when you are on the other side of the continent. And yes - who spanks you when you roll your eyes?

Your Ana

I press send, and immediately the image of that evil witch Mrs. Robinson comes into my mind. I just can't picture it. Christian being beaten by someone as old as my mother, it's just so wrong. Again I wonder what damage she's wrought. My mouth sets in a hard grim line. I need a doll to stick pins in, maybe that way I can vent some of the anger I feel at this stranger.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Your behind

Date: May 31 2011 16:18

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

I still prefer my title to yours, in so many different ways. It is lucky that I am master of my own destiny and no one castigates me. Except my mother occasionally and Dr. Flynn, of course. And you.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Chastising... Me?

Date: May 31 2011 19:22 EST

To: Christian Grey

Dear Sir

When have I ever plucked up the nerve to chastise you, Mr. GreyI think you are mixing me up with someone else... which is very worrying. I really do have to get ready.

Your Ana

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Your behind

Date: May 31 2011 16:25

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

You do it all the time in print. Can I zip up your dress?

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

For some unknown reason, his words leap out of the page and make me gasp. Oh... he wants to play games.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: NC-17

Date: May 31 2011 19:28 EST

To: Christian Grey

I would rather you unzipped it.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Careful what you wish for...

Date: May 31 2011 16:31

To: Anastasia Steele

SO WOULD I.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Panting

Date: May 31 2011 19:33 EST

To: Christian Grey

Slowly...

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Groaning

Date: May 31 2011 16:35

To: Anastasia Steele

Wish I was there.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Moaning

Date: May 31 2011 19:37 EST

To: Christian Grey

SO DO I

"Ana!" My mother calls me, making me jump. Shit. Why do I feel so guilty?

"Just coming, Mom."

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Moaning

Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST

To: Christian Grey

Gotta go.

Laters, baby.

I dash into the hall where Bob and my mother are waiting. My mother frowns.

"Darling - are you feeling okYou look at bit flushed."

"Mom, I'm fine."

"You look lovely, dear."

"Oh, this is Kate's dress. You like it?"

Her frown deepens.

"Why are you wearing Kate's dress?"

Oh... no.

"Well I like this one and she doesn't," I improvise quickly.

She regards me shrewdly while Bob oozes impatience with his hangdog, hungry look.

"I'll take you shopping tomorrow," she says.

"Oh, Mom, you don't need to do that. I have plenty of clothes."

"Can't I do something for my own daughterCome on, Bob's starving."

"Too right," moans Bob, rubbing his stomach and assuming a fake pained expression.

I giggle as he rolls his eyes, and we head out the door.

Later when I'm in the shower, cooling under the lukewarm water, I reflect on how much my mother has changed. Seeing her at dinner, she was in her element, funny and flirty and amongst many friends at the golf club. Bob was warm and attentive... they seem so good for each other. I'm really pleased for her. It means I can stop worrying about her and second-guessing her decisions and put the dark days of Husband Number Three behind us both. Bob is a keeper. And she's giving me good advice. When did that start happening?

Since I met Christian. Why is that?

When I'm done, I dry myself quickly, keen to get back to Christian. There's an email waiting for me, sent just after I left for dinner a few hours ago.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Plagiarism

Date: May 31 2011 16:41

To: Anastasia Steele

You stole my line.

And left me hanging.

Enjoy your dinner.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Who are you to cry thief?

Date: May 31 2011 22:18 EST

To: Christian Grey

Sir, I think you'll find it was Elliot's line originally.

Hanging how?

Your Ana

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Unfinished Business

Date: May 31 2011 19:22

To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele

You're back. You left so suddenly - just when things were getting interesting.

Elliot's not very original. He'll have stolen that line from someone.

How was dinner?

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Unfinished Business?

Date: May 31 2011 22:26 EST

To: Christian Grey

Dinner was filling - you'll be very pleased to hear, I ate far too much.

Getting interestingHow?

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Unfinished Business - definitely

Date: May 31 2011 19:30

To: Anastasia Steele

Are you being deliberately obtuseI think you'd just asked me to unzip your dress.

And I was looking forward to doing just that. I am also glad to hear you are eating.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Well... there's always the weekend

Date: May 31 2011 22:36 EST

To: Christian Grey

Of course I eat... It's only the uncertainty I feel around you that puts me off my food.

And I would never be unwittingly obtuse, Mr. Grey.

Surely you've worked that out by now ;)

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Can't Wait

Date: May 31 2011 19:40

To: Anastasia Steele

I shall remember that, Miss Steele, and no doubt use the knowledge to my advantage.

I'm sorry to hear that I put you off your food. I thought I had a more concupiscent effect on you. That has been my experience, and most pleasurable it has been too.

I very much look forward to the next time.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Gymnastic Linguistics

Date: May 31 2011 22:36 EST

To: Christian Grey

Have you been playing with the thesaurus again?

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Rumbled

Date: May 31 2011 19:40

To: Anastasia Steele

You know me so well Miss Steele.

I am having dinner with an old friend now so I will be driving.

Laters, baby?

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Which old friend I didn't think Christian had any old friends, except... her. I frown at the screen. Why does he have to still see herSearing, green, bilious jealousy courses through me unexpectedly. I want to hit something, preferably Mrs. Robinson. Switching the laptop off in a temper, I clamber into bed.

I should really respond to his long email from this morning, but I'm suddenly too angry. Why can't he see her for what she is - a child molesterI switch off the light, seething, staring into the darkness. How dare sheHow dare she pick on a vulnerable adolescentIs she still doing itWhy did they stopVarious scenarios filter through my mind: he had had enough, then why is he still friends with herDitto her - is she marriedDivorcedJeez - does she have children of her ownDoes she have Christian's children My subconscious rears her ugly head, leering, and I'm shocked and nauseous at the thought. Does Dr. Flynn know about her?

I struggle out of bed and fire the mean machine up again. I am on a mission. I drum my fingers impatiently waiting for the blue screen to appear. I hit Google images and enter 'Christian Grey' into the search engine. The screen is suddenly littered with images of Christian: in black tie, be-suited, jeez - Jose's pictures from the Heathman, in his white shirt and flannel trousers. How did they get on the InternetBoy he looks good.

I move quickly on: some with business associates, then picture after glorious picture of the most photogenic man I know, intimately. IntimatelyDo I know Christian intimately I know him sexually, and I figure there's a lot more to discover there. I know he's moody, difficult, funny, cold, warm... jeez, the man is a walking mass of contradictions. I click to the next page. He's still on his own in all these photographs, and I remember Kate mentioning that she couldn't find any photographs of him with a date, prompting her gay question. Then, on the third page, there's a picture of me, with him, at my graduation. His only picture with a woman, and it's me.

Holy cow! I'm on Google! I stare at us together. I look surprised by the camera, nervous, off balance. This was just before I agreed to try. For his part, Christian looks impossibly handsome, calm and collected, and he's wearing that tie. I gaze at him, such a

beautiful face, a beautiful face that could be staring at Mrs. Damned Robinson right now. I save the picture in my favorites and click through all eighteen screens... nothing. I won't find Mrs. Robinson on Google. But I have to know if he's with her. I type a quick email to Christian.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Suitable Dinner Companions

Date: May 31 2011 23:58 EST

To: Christian Grey

I hope you and your friend had a very pleasant dinner.

Ana

PS Was it Mrs. Robinson?

I press send and climb despondently back into bed, resolving to ask Christian about his relationship with that woman. Part of me is desperate to know more, and another part wants to forget he ever told me. And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill in the morning. I quickly program an alarm into the calendar on my BlackBerry. Setting it aside on the bedside table, I lie down and eventually drift into an uneasy sleep, wishing that we were in the same city, not two and half thousand miles apart.

After a morning of shopping and an afternoon back at the beach, my mother has decreed we should spend the evening in a bar. Abandoning Bob to the TV, we find ourselves in the up-market bar of Savannah's most exclusive hotel. I am on my second Cosmopolitan. My mother is on her third. She is offering more insights into the fragile male ego. It's very disconcerting.

"You see, Ana, men think that anything that comes out of a woman's mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea that we'd like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget. Men prefer action."

"Mom, why are telling me this?" I ask, failing to hide my exasperation. She's been like this all day.

"Darling, you sound so lost. You've never brought a boy home. You never even had a boyfriend when we were in Vegas. I thought something might develop with that guy you met in college, Jose."

"Mom, Jose's just a friend."

"I know, sweetheart. But something's up, and I don't think you're telling me everything." She gazes at me, her face etched with motherly concern.

"I just needed some distance from Christian to get my thoughts straight... that's all.

He tends to overwhelm me."

"Overwhelm?"

"Yeah. I miss him though." I frown.

I have not heard from Christian all day. No emails, nothing. I am tempted to call him to see if he's okay. My worst fear is that he's been in a car accident, my second worst fear is that Mrs. Robinson has got her evil claws into him again. I know it's irrational, but where

she's concerned, I seem to have lost all sense of perspective.

"Darling, I have to visit the powder room."

My mother's brief absence allows me another chance to check my BlackBerry. I have been trying surreptitiously to check emails all day. Finally - a response from Christian!

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Dinner Companions

Date: June 1 2011 21:40 EST

To: Anastasia Steele

Yes, I had dinner with Mrs. Robinson. She is just an old friend, Anastasia.

Looking forward to seeing you again. I miss you.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

He was having dinner with her. My scalp prickles as adrenaline and fury lance through my body, all my worst fears realized, crashing through me. How could he I am away for two days, and he runs off to that evil bitch.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: OLD Dinner Companions

Date: June 1 2011 21:42 EST

To: Christian Grey

She's not just an old friend.

Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into?

Did you get too old for her?

Is that the reason your relationship finished?

I press send as my mother returns.

"Ana, you're so pale. What's happened?"

I shake my head.

"Nothing. Let's have another drink," I mutter mulishly.

Her brow furrows, but she glances up and attracts the attention of one of the waiters, pointing to our glasses. He nods. He understands the universal language of 'same again, please.' As she does, I quickly glance at my BlackBerry.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Careful...

Date: June 1 2011 21:45 EST

To: Anastasia Steele

This is not something I wish to discuss via email.

How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Holy f*ck, he's here.


I glance nervously around the bar but cannot see him.

"Ana, what is itYou look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's Christian, he's here."

"WhatReally?" She glances around the bar too.

I have neglected to mention Christian's stalker tendencies to my mom.

I see him. My heart leaps, beginning a juddering thumping beat as he makes his way toward us. He's really here - for me. My inner goddess leaps up cheering from her chaise longue. Moving smoothly through the crowd, his hair glints burnished copper and red under the recessed halogens. His bright gray eyes are shining with - angerTensionHis mouth is set in a grim line, jaw tense. Oh holy shit... no. I am so mad at him right now, and here he is. How can I be angry with him in front of my mother?

He arrives at our table, gazing at me warily. He's dressed in customary white linen shirt and jeans.

"Hi," I squeak, unable to hide my shock and awe at seeing him here in the flesh.