Loving me is hard work.
I get a vision of him with those two women in the porno, the look on his face as he went between them. The carefree lust in his eyes and I die a little inside.
That’s something I can never give him.
Maybe my mother is right, powerful men who look like him can have any woman they want. Why would he want a complicated relationship with his supposed sister when…?
My eyes well with tears and the lump in my throat begins to hurt.
I’ve never been insecure before, maybe I never loved anyone enough to have a fear of losing them.
What will my life be like without him?
I have to be a realist, maybe we really won’t work out, perhaps this is another life lesson. Maybe his attraction to me is simply that he couldn’t have me?
And now that he does….
I inhale on a shaky breath and think back to how I felt when Carlo called Anna, they’ve been dating for only weeks. And yet somehow, he is more dedicated to her.
I wonder do the strippers have sex with the customers…of course they do.
I angrily wipe my tears away.
Fuck this.
I feel like such a fool.
I hear the front door and I quickly wipe my eyes, I don’t want to deal with him tonight while I’m feeling weak and vulnerable.
I’m not giving him that satisfaction.
The bedroom door opens and he walks in and stands over me for a moment as he watches me, the smell of cigar smoke and alcohol permeate off him.
Asshole.
My eyes stay closed tight as I pretend to be asleep, I hear the shower turn on.
Is he washing another woman off of his skin?
Surely…he wouldn’t…would he?
My eyes well with tears again.
Fuck.
I can’t hold it, I lose control and I begin to cry into my pillow. Hard sobs where my shoulders shake.
“Hey,” he whispers as he sits down beside me, he puts his hand on the back of my head. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
Damn it, I thought he was in the shower. I push my face harder into the pillow, now I’m ashamed of being a cry baby too.
He rolls me onto my back so he can see my face. “Francesca, what’s wrong?”
I screw up my face in tears and stare at him.
“What’s happened?” His face is panicked.
“Were they nice?”
“Was what nice?”
“Don’t insult my intelligence, Giuliano,” I cry as I fly out of bed, I need some distance between us. “Is this how it’s always going to be?”
He frowns as if confused. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“If you think I want their sloppy seconds you’re wrong!” I march out of the room and down the hallway like a firecracker.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he yells as he storms after me.
I throw my hands up in the air. “Deny it. Go on. I dare you.”
He stares at me as if I’ve grown two heads…and maybe I have, he’s never seen my temper before. Hell, I didn’t even know I could be this dramatic.
“You make me fucking crazy!” I yell.
“Obviously.”
Suddenly I’m embarrassed, because I know I’m carrying on like a lunatic and I can’t stop myself. I screw up my face in tears and sob out loud.
“Baby….” His voice softens.
“How do you think it makes me feel, Giuliano?” I sob.
He stares at me, completely lost.
I hold my hands out wide. “Am I not enough for you?”
“What?”
“Will I ever be enough for you?”
“Francesca,” he demands. “Speak English because I don’t know what the fuck is going on here?”
“Do they make you hard?” I whisper.
“Huh?”
“Do you tip them? Take them upstairs? How many?”
His face falls. “You can’t be serious?”
His silhouette blurs as the tears flood my eyes.
“You think I….” He gives a subtle shake of his head in disbelief. “You think I would go to a stripper instead of coming home to you.”
“I don’t think it, I know it. That’s exactly what you did tonight, Giuliano.”
“I was working.”
“Working! Ha,” I huff. “Stop lying,” I yell. “You don’t need to lie to me. I’m a big girl, I can take it.”
“You have got to be fucking joking,” he yells as he loses his temper. “I have loved you every fucking day since I was nineteen years old. Do you honestly fucking believe I would sleep around on you now that I finally have you?”
I screw up my face, unable to even try to act cool.
His face fills with empathy. “Chesk.” He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. “I love you, how could you even think that I would….”
“Why did you go there then?” I blurt out.
“We own the club, it’s a place where I meet my men. I don’t even look at the girls when I’m there.”
Oh God, it gets worse, they are on his fucking payroll. I mean, somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew this but hearing it in this moment doesn’t make me feel any better.
“I was waiting for you,” I whisper. “And to think of you there…getting hard over them. It makes me fucking crazy. I will not live the life of my mother Giuliano. I can’t do it. Let me go if you want to be like my father. Just let me go.”
“I know,” he says softly as he kisses me. “I will never treat you like that. You have my word. I’m sorry, I didn’t even think.” He kisses me again as he takes my face into his hands. “I won’t go there anymore if you don’t want me to.”
“I don’t.”
“Okay.” His lips take mine and I can taste my salty tears.
He holds me in his arms for a long time and I don’t know what the hell I’m even thinking right now.
Only that he makes it better.
“I love you, Chesk, you’re everything to me. How could you even think such a thing? Do you really think I would risk what we have…for sleazy sex?” he says softly. “You know what we have.” He kisses my temple. “How could you even think? Look at your eyes, how long have you been crying?”
I screw up my face against his, I feel like I’ve just had a full-on mental breakdown or something. “I was freaking out,” I sob.
“Sweetheart,” he whispers as he tries to calm me. “It’s okay, I’m home now.”
I put my head into the crook of his neck and he holds me tight, we stay in each other’s arms for a long time, I feel my heartbeat begin to slow back down. “Come on, baby. Shower.”
He takes my hand and leads me back to the bedroom; the shower is still running and the bedroom is now filled with steam. He lifts my nightgown over my head and I stand before him, naked. His thumb dusts over my nipple as he stares down at me, his eyes roaming over my skin. “I missed my girl today,” he murmurs.
I stare up at him, and suddenly I’m desperate to be closer. It’s as if my fragile heart can only be eased with sex.
I need this, I need him.
My lips take his as our kiss deepens.
I undo the buttons on his shirt and take it off over his shoulders, then I slide down his zipper and take his pants off.
He stares at me with his big brown eyes, so honest and empathetic, filled with love.