She slumped back against the door and locked it. Suddenly tears filled her eyes, and all her strength at getting herself in here vanished.
I gathered her in my arms and held her, smoothing out her hair. “Hey, shh. It’s okay. Whatever’s going on, it’s okay.”
“I…I’ve done something.”
I stiffened at the words I didn’t want to hear, my stomach all but plummeting through the floor. I dropped my arms from around her and swallowed down the sob that threatened to break free.
It was true then.
We stared at each other. Neither of us coming out and saying it. Eventually, though, the silence forced my hand. I couldn’t stand it. “You killed Jayela.”
My heart broke to even say it to her out loud. It was impossible to believe. Tori had barely aged in all the years I’d known her. She still had the slimmed-out, wrinkle-free, baby face of the girl I’d met on the first day of high school. We’d joked in the past about how often she got dirty looks from people who likely thought she was some knocked-up teen mom, not a married woman of twenty-seven.
This wasn’t the face of my sister’s killer. It couldn’t be.
Tori’s eyes widened. “Killed…Jayela? What the hell?”
The relief that coursed through me was so instant and complete that it was like rainbows and butterflies descending.
Because the other thing that came along with knowing someone for as long as Tori and I had known each other?
I knew when she was lying.
And that complete and utter confusion? That hadn’t been a lie.
I threw myself at her again, wrapping my arms around her tight, a heavy weight lifting off me. “I knew it wasn’t true. That’s why I wouldn’t go to the police.”
Her eyes went wide. “The police? Why on earth would you think I murdered Jayela?”
“Because your husband told me you did.”
“Will said that?” she choked out.
I swallowed hard but nodded, because it was the truth.
Her face crumpled. “I didn’t kill her. But, Mae…” Her tears dripped down her cheeks. “I was…we were…in a relationship.” She hiccupped on a laugh. “That’s not even fair of me to say because how can you have two relationships at once? I’m married.”
“You’re gay.”
“Why don’t you look more shocked?”
“My half sister saw you and Jayela outside a hotel the night she died.”
Her face twisted in anguish. “So it’s out there for the world to know then? That I’m a cheating whore, and that I like women.”
I blew out a long breath. “You aren’t a whore. Don’t say that. And the fact you like women—”
“Is why I’m here.”
My heart broke for her, for the pain etched into her being. But then the anger coursed in. At this place. These people who called themselves Christians. “This is a conversion camp? Are any of these people actually real doctors?”
She lifted one shoulder. “Maybe a few. They treat depression and anxiety and a range of other things…but yeah. I’m here because of my relationship with Jayela.”
“Oh, Tor. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t either of you tell me?”
“Tell you I was cheating on my husband every time he went to work? How sometimes Jayela would come over while Isaac was asleep and make me come in my marital bed because Will never had? Or how we met up at hotels sometimes, like I was a hooker she’d picked up on the street?”
I blanched at the harshness in her words, at the anger of them, and at the hate she had for herself.
“Did Will force you to come here?”
She shook her head. “No. I committed myself voluntarily. I promised him I’d get better.” Her face filled with desperation. “I want to stop. I need to want my husband. I’m married. I took vows in front of God and family.”
I gripped her shoulders, terrified of the pain pouring from her. Scared of the self-loathing she’d inflicted on herself. I shook her hard. “Stop it. You married a man straight out of high school when you barely knew yourself.”
“I knew,” she said softly. “Even back then, I was never attracted to men.”
My shoulders slumped. “You’ve gone through all this alone.”
She swiped at a tear on her cheek. “I was too ashamed to tell you.”
“I never would have judged. And I would have kept your secret, both of you, if that’s what you wanted. You could have told me.”
She shook her head. “I asked her not to. I was scared that if we told even one person, then it would landslide into more and more people, until eventually she would be pressuring me to leave Will and come out.” She sniffed miserably. “I couldn’t do that. My family would have disowned me. Will would try to keep Isaac from me. That’s why I checked in here. I need to get rid of it.”
I sighed and hugged her once more. “You know it doesn’t work like that.”
She pulled back miserably. “Will is so disgusted in me that apparently he thinks I’m morally on par with murderers. I can’t believe he seriously thought me capable of something like that, but others will, too, if they find out. It’s all the same to them. If you don’t fall in line with everything they believe then you’re going to Hell.” She laughed bitterly. “So what other choice do I have? My church, my family, my whole community are old-school conservative. If I can’t get rid of it, I can’t be a part of any of that.”
“You can’t just get rid of a part of yourself, Tori. You’re twenty-seven. Are you really going to live another fifty years with a man you aren’t in love with? One who thought you capable of taking a life?”
Anger at Will resurfaced. At times, his strict beliefs and values had bothered me, but at the end of the day, he and Tori were grown adults who could make their own choices. They’d never tried to push their religion on me, and I’d never tried to convince them there were other ways of thinking.
We worked because we respected each other. Because they were happy, and so was I and we could coexist like that.