Noah and I play Wealthy Retirees for a few weeks in between returning from Rome and the start of the school year. We have no bedtime and no alarms set. We take long walks to get coffee in the mornings. We make a sourdough starter from scratch. We binge-watch Netflix and stay in our pajamas all day. We fall into a routine, and in that routine, our love grows like a little sapling.
The first night I stay at Noah’s, we don’t sleep a wink. We put his king-sized bed to good use. The next day, when I try to leave, he suggests I stay just one more night. We’d been talking about trying to recreate one of our favorite pasta dishes from Italy anyway. It didn’t make sense for me to go home.
Since then, I’ve been back to my apartment only a handful of times.
Noah suggests casually that I let my lease go in a few months when it’s time to renew, and that’s that.
But, there’s no getting around a tough task we have ahead of us. Now that school’s starting in a week and we’re due at Lindale for teacher in-service in the morning, Noah and I need to have a meeting with Principal O’Malley to update him about our relationship status.
We’ve reviewed Lindale’s HR policies and think we have most of our bases covered. When discussing our relationship, we’re going to keep things vague and leave out any extraneous details that could land us in hot water. Over Thai takeout the night before, we work through every possible scenario.
What if Principal O’Malley’s upset that our relationship started while we were on the school trip?
We’ll appeal to his emotional side. What couple wouldn’t fall for each other in the Eternal City?
What if he says we can’t stay in our classrooms side by side anymore?
We’ll chain ourselves to the chalkboards.
What if he threatens us with our jobs?
We’ll fight tooth and nail. We’ll never give up.
To the meeting on Monday, Noah brings Principal O’Malley some Italian roasted coffee beans, and I bring some of the chocolates I got at the farmer’s market in Rome. Noah didn’t like that, of course.
“Can’t we save those for ourselves and just buy him a Hershey’s bar on the way?”
“No. We need to butter him up. Haven’t you heard of bribery?”
When Principal O’Malley opens his door and ushers us inside, we immediately bestow the gifts and then I start in with our pre-approved compliments.
“Principal O’Malley! We’ve missed you! Have you been working out this summer?”
“Oh, a little here and there, I suppose. Bought one of those fancy watches that counts my steps.”
“I can really tell, and wow, that suit looks custom. Did you get it at Armani?”
“Kohl’s, off the rack,” he boasts.
Here’s where I start to go off script.
“Well the cut is just perfect on you. And navy? That’s definitely your color.”
Noah clears his throat, a clear sign to tone it down a bit.
But Principal O’Malley is eating it up. I’ve never seen him smile so wide.
“Take a seat, take a seat. I can’t say I’m surprised the two of you wanted to have this meeting. Rome must have been difficult, to say the least. So what is it this time? Who thinks who should be fired? Moved to the other side of the school? Docked pay?”
I laugh like he’s being utterly preposterous, when in reality, a few weeks ago I would have loved if Noah’s paycheck shrank to half its usual size. In fact, some dormant sliver of hatred for Noah salivates at the idea of him being relegated to the dingy hallway next to the loading dock where they keep the spare trashcans and cleaning chemicals.
But alas, I love him now.
When I look at Noah, it’s like he knows my brain has swerved wildly off topic. His unimpressed expression says, Really? Can you just get on with it?
Right. We agreed the news would sound better coming from me. I can put a sweet feminine spin on it. Bat my eyelashes if necessary.
“We actually have some very fun news to report,” I tell Principal O’Malley, presenting it as something upbeat and positive. “After careful consideration and thought, Noah and I have entered into a mutually agreed-upon romantic relationship.”
Either time slows to a crawl or Principal O’Malley really just sits there, frozen, for an awkwardly long amount of time. Eventually, he blinks and tilts his head closer, leading with an ear as if he wants to be perfectly clear on what I just said.
“Come again?”
His smile from earlier is nowhere to be found.
Oh god. This isn’t going how I thought it would. Are we really going to have to chain ourselves to our chalkboards? I don’t think I have it in me!
Noah puts his hand on my arm protectively and takes over. “Principal O’Malley, Audrey and I are in a relationship. It’s new, and we obviously wanted to come to you and disclose it with HR right away. We want to do the proper thing.”
Principal O’Malley squeezes his eyes closed like he’s in pain, balls his hand into a tight fist, and bangs it down on his desk. “Dammit!”
What?!
Noah and I lean back and exchange a worried glance.
“I should have listened to Vice Principal Trammell.” He stands and hustles to the door. When he opens it, he leans halfway out. “Liz, get in here, will you? And bring the pot!”
At this point, I have no idea what’s going on.
When he returns to his desk, he looks back and forth between us again, more assessing now than before. “Okay, here’s the thing. I’m about to be out twenty bucks, so are you guys sure sure about this? You don’t want to maybe think it over a little more? Hey, Noah, remember how much Audrey used to annoy you? I mean, woof. Am I right?”
I hold up my hands in defense. “All right, that’s… I didn’t annoy him per se.”
“And Audrey, Noah can be difficult, to put it mildly. Stubborn. Actually, hey!” His eyes light up with an idea. “Have you seen the new basketball coach we hired over the summer? Real handsome guy. I can introduce you.”