“You are totally getting donuts, aren’t you?”
“Rough night.” The day before had been my twenty-fifth birthday, Reid’s thirtieth. I kept my ringer on all day in hopes of getting that phone call. I watched the home movie my parents made about twenty times and paced my apartment, dodging the invites of friends and my current boss, Adrian, who I worked for as a personal assistant. The hours were reasonable until I could find something else. Desperation struck at 11:11 last night, and all I wished for was that call from Reid. I let myself have a healthy cry when the clock struck midnight. He stopped waiting. And I didn’t blame him. But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if he did call, I would answer.
What I would say was a different story. Nate hadn’t dialed my number, either, despite my few attempts to reach him. I hated the way we ended. I still loved him every day. I remained faithful to them both, though I had nothing to hold onto from either one. Part of me believed I was paying penance for my divided heart. But the truth was, I loved them both with all of it. And Lexi was right. I had to take a step away from Nate in order to see the truth. It didn’t make it any easier on me.
Lexi’s logic had saved me, even though it wasn’t entirely correct. I loved my life with Nate Butler, that much I knew. And it didn’t feel like I was giving up anything to be with him, because being with him became a new dream. The only thing I had to give up being with Nate was Reid.
I walked the streets those first few months apart, praying to run into him, as I had so many times before. With every defeated step without a trace of him, I felt his decision. And I had to respect it because, in all honesty, I was selfish. Love was selfish. But no matter how much of our story was unfinished, I was thankful for every minute I had with him.
Taking a look at my life and my choices was the hardest thing I had ever done. I owned my involvement with Reid. I apologized to my sister wholeheartedly a few months ago. She just shook her head as I stood at her door with tears in my eyes. She smiled, took my hand, and led me back into my rightful place in her life. She made apologies of her own, and for the first time since that night all those years ago, when I chose my selfish heart, I felt like I had her back.
I graduated with my master’s, but just barely. I didn’t play immune to my heartbreak, and it cost me. I let myself dig through a shoebox of emotions and came out on the other side, both enlightened and numb. My stroke had scared me into a position of living completely afraid of taking chances. Life wasn’t a gamble, but it seemed I needed to accept the “passionate” part of me in order to fully bloom. And bloom I did. I ate my way out of my wardrobe. I was twenty pounds heavier, and I felt it everywhere.
Miraculously a new me?
Not a chance.
That isn’t the way things worked for new Stella. I was a work in progress. I had a ways to go to get that Lexi glow. So, I let myself feel, and I did it afraid.
I let it hurt.
But I never let go. I couldn’t.
Lexi pulled me from my saliva-dripping stalking of a silk chocolate pie.
“Hey, I’m sorry I missed your birthday. Hurry home, okay? I want to make it up to you.”
“I hope you’re not making it up to me with cake. I have that covered,” I said sheepishly.
“Bitch, get those donuts. Your ass looks amazing,” she chuckled.
“I really wish I gave a shit. I’m starting to jiggle, and you’re enabling me.”
“You traded in dudes for donuts,” she said with a sigh. “I wish I would have thought of it first. Hurry home, bitch.” She hung up as I stared at the case full of fried sugar.
I stood at the counter as the woman, who had seen me often in the past few months, looked at me with apprehension, like I would clear out her case. She was judging, but I could see the envy in her eyes. She was starving.
“Big box?”
I nodded as I fired off my grocery list. “Okay, two cream cheese stuffed Danishes, two of those bear claws. Four chocolate, two glazed.”
“Is that all?” the woman asked impatiently.
“No,” I said, matching her dead stare before I smiled with big eyes just to scare her. “One with the sprinkles.”
I heard the familiar chuckle behind me and my heart plummeted.
Of course, we would run into each other this way. Sighing in defeat, I turned to see Nate standing behind me. He was impeccably dressed, a slow grin spreading on his face.
It was my worst nightmare. I was in my last pair of jeans that would button and a dirty T-shirt that read Spank Me with a grown man in a diaper on it. Slumming wasn’t the word. It was more like slobbing. My hair was piled in a disgusting bun on top of my head, and I didn’t have on a stich of makeup.
“Hi,” Nate said as he looked me over.
“Can you just pretend I’m in that jumper you love with heels and look incredible?”
His eyes softened as he took a step forward and threw a twenty on top of the glass case. “Her sprinkles are on me.” The woman behind the counter took one look at Nate and I saw the change in her demeanor. She was hungry and needed sex with Nate Butler. And I felt her pain. He always had that effect on women and had never once given me reason to worry. I managed to stifle the threatening tears, but my voice shook when I spoke.
“How are you?”
Nate turned back to me after placing his order while I moved to the end of the counter and gripped my box. “Thank you for these.”
“Happy belated,” he said, avoiding my question. “I got a call from a guy named Gary yesterday. I gave him my recommendation.”
“Thank you,” I said as he joined me at the counter. Butterflies collided in my chest and sank to my stomach.
“I guess congratulations are in order.”
“Not yet. I haven’t been offered the job.”
“It’s yours, Stella,” he said, his blue eyes scouring my face. I nodded, in no way interested in talking about my possible job.
“Will you take it?”
“I don’t know,” I said, carefully reading him to see if the idea sat well with him. “My future’s kind of wide open at this point.”
“Want to go sit down?” he asked.
“Only if you want to,” I said honestly. Please want to.
The lady brought his box, and he added two coffees. He ordered mine from memory, just the way I liked it, and that’s when my eyes watered. I couldn’t hide it. “Maybe I should just go.”
“Stella, let’s sit.”
I nodded and followed him to a table. He took off his jacket, something I’d seen him do a hundred times before, but somehow it hurt to watch.
“I read last week’s print. Really good stuff,” I said as I took a sip of my coffee, my appetite diminished.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said with a smile. “But far be it from me to judge, being the girl with the inappropriate T-shirt and whose opinion isn’t relevant.”
Nate smirked. “You know that’s bullshit. I told you so . . .” He trailed off, and I wanted to forehead tap myself. He told me the night we broke up. Nate cleared his throat. “Anyway, I think we both know that you became a bit more relevant since you published in Rolling Stone.”
I gaped at him. “You saw it?”
“I did. I wanted to call you.” He slipped and we both shifted uncomfortably. “I was so proud of you.”
I smiled as a tear I couldn’t win with fell down my cheek. “That means a lot to me.”
“Don’t do that,” he whispered. “I’m not used to seeing that. I fucking hate it.”
“It’s my new therapy,” I said as heat crept up my face. “That and donuts.” I squirmed under the weight of his stare.
“Stella, I saw you walk in here, and I thought I was going to lose my shit, okay? My heart fucking stopped. You’re more beautiful than ever. Whatever flaws you’re trying to point out to me, I can’t see. Now let’s squash this elephant because I want to talk to you.” His voice turned heavy, hoarse, and raw. “I miss my best friend.”
More tears emerged as I tried to clear my throat. “You don’t hate me?”