Ben collapsed beside me. He hit the mattress so hard I bounced into his side and stayed there, curling up against him. It took a while for the world to stop spinning, for us both to catch our breath.
My insides buzzed. Hell, my whole body buzzed. I hid my face in his skin, grinning like a fool. How incredible for me and him to be in the same bed doing the postcoital bliss thing. I’d been this happy, this certain of something, precisely never in my life. It wouldn’t be easy but it would be worth it. Mal and Anne would adjust, because eight years was nothing, really.
I rolled onto my side and snuggled into him. The dude had more than enough body warmth for both of us in the cool air-conditioning. Then, from somewhere close, came a buzzing.
Ben stirred, reaching down to snag his cell from the pocket of his jeans before tossing them aside. When he saw the name on the screen his whole body stiffened. The buzzing went on. His thumb slid across the front of the cell and he held it to his ear.
“Hey.”
A faint voice from the phone.
“No, no. I dropped her back at her room.”
More from the caller.
“For fuck’s sake, man. When will you get it through your head nothing’s going on? Girl’s not my kind.”
My heart stuttered. It hurt.
“Ha-ha. Yeah, fuck off. Go back to your bride. I’m heading to a bar uptown. Shilly’s playing. Said I’d join for a while.”
More talk.
“Yeah, I’ll tell him you said hi. Later.”
Above me, the ceiling swam blurrily, my vision wavering. Silly me, always so surprised. When would I learn?
“Were you ever going to tell him?” I asked quietly.
“What?” Ben sat at the side of the bed, head in his hands. He was just having a moment, the sex had been intense and so on. All of us processed emotional moments in our own sweet way. “You want a drink or something?”
“No. I want the truth.” Strangely calm, I sat up, tugging the sheet with me. All of a sudden being naked didn’t seem like such a smart idea. “Were you ever planning on telling Mal about us?”
“We only just finished having sex. The man’s on his honeymoon. It’s his wedding night. You really want me to get into it with him right now?”
“No. What I’m asking is if you’re planning on getting into it with him ever.”
Ben looked away, wiping his face with a hand. “It’s complicated.”
“Yeah. But I’m not sure you lying to him helps.”
“And I’m not sure me telling him I just banged his little-sister-in-law would help, either,” he snapped. “Shit. Liz, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know. It’s complicated.” My voice seemed so small.
He looked back over his shoulder at me, face guarded. “Wait…”
“It was an accident. You got jealous when you saw that guy with me in the bar, overheated. I get it.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“You never do.” Without further ado I rolled off the bed, taking the sheet with me. “I’d like you to leave.”
“Lizzy.” It was right there on his face and in his eyes. The set of his shoulders shouted it, and those curled fingers just reinforced everything. Regret.
“Leave, please. You know you want to.”
Jeans lay abandoned just inside the bathroom door. I halfheartedly kicked them aside, locking myself in.
“Sweetheart.” A timid knock or two. “C’mon, open up.”
My back to the door, I slumped down, not stopping until the hard marble chilled my ass. Egyptian cotton didn’t have such great thermal properties, apparently. Tears fell, but I just ignored them. Whatever.
“Let me explain.”
I don’t think so.
“I just … I panicked when I saw it was him. Fuck, Lizzy.” An angry thump on the door. “You don’t get how hard this is. I like you, but…”
But. But me no buts. Fuck.
“I’m not saying I wouldn’t have told him in time.”
Huh. Nor was he saying he would have.
“Christ, can I at least have my pants?” he grumbled.
No, actually. No he couldn’t. From me, he couldn’t have a single thing more. I’d given all I would.
More tears fell unchecked. My body still buzzing but my heart breaking open. How confusing. So much good with the bad. It really was complicated. Everything went quiet out there; he said no more. I guess, at the end of the day, I just wasn’t the kind of girl that “complicated” worked for. I wasn’t in search of drama. I wasn’t only happy when it rained. So instead I sat on the cold bathroom floor and cried and cried.
Eventually, dimly, I heard the front door slam shut.
Over and out.