And a little later, “All they can give me is chemo and all it’ll do is hurt like fury and make my hair fall out and maybe stretch my life a few months longer. My sweet baby boy, I don’t want you remembering a jaundiced old lady dying by inches and going crazy with the pain. I don’t want to hang around that long, and you have to help me get out.”
School. I didn’t play sports, I didn’t join clubs, I didn’t have friends. But I knew who sold drugs; everybody knew that much. Anything you wanted, and what I wanted was downs, and that was easy.
She wanted to take them when I left for school, so that I’d be gone when it happened, but I talked her out of that. She took them at night, and I lay beside her and held her hand while sleep took her. And I stayed there, so I could tell when her breathing stopped, but I couldn’t stay awake, I fell asleep myself, and when I woke up around dawn she was gone.
I straightened the house, went into my room and made the bed look as though it had been slept in. Went to school and kept myself from thinking about anything. Went home and, turning my key in the lock I had this flash, expecting her to be walking around when I opened the door.
Yeah, right. I found her where I’d left her, and I called the doctor, said I’d left in the morning without wanting to disturb her. He could tell it was pills, I could tell he could tell, but he wanted to spare me, said it was her heart giving out suddenly, said it happened a lot in cases like hers.
If she was alive, if she’d never gotten sick, I’d still be living there. With the two of us in that house, and the whole rest of the world locked out of it.
She said, “I can’t pretend I never thought about it. But I never wished for it. He’s not a bad man. He’s been good to me.”
“Takes good care of you.”
“He cleans his golf clubs after he plays a round. Has this piece of flannel he uses to wipe the faces of the irons. Takes the cars in for their scheduled maintenance. And yes, he takes good care of me.”
“Maybe that’s all you want.”
“I was willing to settle for it,” she said.
“And now you’re not?”
“I don’t know,” she said, and put her hand on me. For just a moment it was another hand, a firm but gentle hand, and I was a boy again. Just for an instant, and then that passed.
And she went on holding me, and she didn’t say anything, but I could hear her voice in my head as clearly as if she’d spoken. Willing to settle? Not anymore, my darling, because I’ve met you, and my world has changed forever. If only something could happen to him and we could be together forever. If only—
“You want me to kill him,” I said.
“Oh my God!”
“Isn’t that where you were headed?”
She didn’t answer, breathed deeply in and out, in and out. Then she said, “Have you ever—”
“Government puts you in a uniform, gives you a rifle, sends you halfway around the world. Man winds up doing a whole lot of things he might never do otherwise.”
All of which was true, I suppose, but it had nothing much to do with me. I was never in the service.
Went to sign up once. You drift around, different things start looking good to you. Army shrink asked me a batch of questions, heard something he didn’t like in my answers, and they thanked me for my time and sent me on my way.
Have to say that man was good at his job. I wouldn’t have liked it there, and they wouldn’t have liked me much, either.
She found something else to talk about, some rambling story about some neighbor of hers. I lay there and watched her lips move without taking in what she was saying.
Why bother? What she wasn’t saying was more to the point.
Pleased with herself, I had to figure. Because she’d managed to get where she wanted to go without saying the words herself. Played it so neatly that I brought it up for her.
Like, I’m two steps ahead of you, missy. Knew where you were going, saw what a roundabout route you had mapped out for yourself, figured I’d save us some time.
Better now, looking without listening. And it was like I couldn’t hear her if I wanted to, all I could hear was her voice speaking in my head, telling me what I knew she was thinking. How we could be together for the rest of our lives, how I was all she wanted and all she needed, how we’d have a life of luxury and glamour and travel. Her voice in my head, drawing pictures of her idea of my idea of paradise.
Voices.
She moved, lay on her side. Stopped talking, and I stopped hearing that other voice, and she ran a hand the length of my body. And kissed my face and my neck, and worked her way south.
Yeah, right. To give me a hint of the crazy pleasures on offer once her husband was dead and buried. Because every man loves that, right?
Thing is, I don’t. Not since another woman took the pills I’d bought her and didn’t wake up.
One time, I had this date with a girl in my class. And she was coaching me.
You can get her to suck it. She’ll still be a virgin, she can’t get pregnant from it, and she’ll be making you happy. Plus deep down she’s plain dying to do it. But what you want to do is help her out, tell her when she’s doing something wrong. Like you’ll be her coach, you know?
Then she was gone, and since then I don’t like having anybody doing that to me.
That army shrink? I guess he knew his business.
Still, she got it hard.
It plays by its own rules, doesn’t it? The blood flows there or it doesn’t, and you can’t make it happen or keep it from happening. Didn’t mean I enjoyed it, didn’t mean I wanted her to keep it up. More she did it, less I liked it.
Took hold of her head, moved her away.
“Is something wrong?”
“My turn,” I said, and spread her out on the bed, and tucked a pillow under her ass, and stuck a finger in to make sure she was wet. Stuck the finger in her mouth, gave her a taste of herself.
Got on her, rode her long and hard, long and hard. She had one of those rolling orgasms that won’t quit, on and on and on, the gift that keeps on giving.
I don’t know where my mind was while this was going on. Off somewhere, tuned in to something else. Watching HBO while she was getting fucked on Showtime.
When she was done I just stayed where I was, on her and in her. Looked down at her face, jaw slack, eyes shut, and saw what I hadn’t seen earlier.
That she looked like a pig. Just had a real piggish quality to her features. Never saw it before.
Funny.
Her eyes opened. And her mouth started running, telling me it had never been like this before.
“Did you—”
“Not yet.”
“My God, you’re still hard! Is there anything—”
“Not just yet,” I said. “Something I’d like to know first. When you walked into the bar?”
“A lifetime ago,” she said. And relaxed into what she thought was going to be a stroll down memory lane. How we met, how we fell in love without a word being spoken.
I said, “What I wondered. How did you know?”
“How did I—”
“How’d you know I was the one man in there who’d be willing to kill your husband for you?”
Eyes wide. Speechless.
“What did you see? What did you think you saw?”
And my hips started working, slowly, short strokes.
“Had it all worked out in your mind,” I said. I moved my elbows so they were on her shoulders, pinning her to the bed, and my hands found her neck, circled it.
“So you’d be out of town, maybe pick up some other lucky guy to make sure you’d have an alibi. Get off good with him, because all the while you’re thinking about how I’m doing it, killing your husband. Wondering exactly how I’m doing it: Am I using a gun, a knife, a club? And you think of me doing him with my bare hands and that’s what really gets you off, isn’t it? Isn’t it?”
She was saying something, but I couldn’t hear it. Couldn’t have heard a thunderclap, couldn’t have heard the world ending.
“Filling my head with happily ever after, but once he’s gone you don’t need me anymore, do you? Maybe you’d find another sucker, get him to take me off the board.”
Thrusting harder now. And my hands tightening on her throat. The terror in her eyes, Jesus, you could taste it.
Then the light went out of her eyes, and just like that she was gone.
Three, four more strokes and I got where I was going. What’s funny is I didn’t really feel it. The machinery worked, and I emptied myself into her, but you couldn’t call it sensational, because, see, there wasn’t a whole lot of sensation involved. There was a release, and that felt good, the way a piss does when you’ve been walking around with a full bladder.
Fact is, it’s like that more often than not. I’d say the army shrink could explain it, but let’s not make him into a genius. All he knew was the army was better off without me.
Most anybody’s better off without me.
Claudia, for sure. Lying there now with her throat crushed and her eyes glassy. Minute I laid eyes on her, I knew she had the whole script worked out in her mind.
How’d she know? How’d she pick me?
And if I knew all that, if I could read her script and figure out a different ending than the one she had in mind, why’d I buy her a drink? All’s said and done, how much real choice did I have in the matter once she’d gone and laid her hand on my arm?
Time to leave this town now, but who was I kidding? I’d find the same thing in the next town, or the town after that. Another roadhouse, where I might have to fight a guy or might not, but either way I’d walk out with a woman. She might not look as fine as this one, and she might have more hair besides what she had on her head, but she’d have the same plans for me.
And if I stayed out of the bars? If I went to some church socials, or Parents Without Partners, or some such?
Might work, but I wouldn’t count on it. My luck, I’d wind up in the same damn place.
Like I said, I really know how to pick ’em.