“No, nobody I would call a friend.”
Only the four people back in his Nagoya days were what he could have called friends. After that, although for just a short time, Haida was something close to it. But there was nobody else.
“Aren’t you lonely without friends?”
“I don’t know,” Tsukuru said. “Even if I had some, I don’t think I’d be able to open up and share secrets.”
Sara laughed. “Women find that necessary. Though sharing secrets is only one function of a friend.”
“Of course.”
“Would you like a bite of this soufflé? It’s delicious.”
“No, you go ahead and finish it.”
Sara carefully ate the last bite of the soufflé, then put her fork down, dabbed at her mouth with her napkin, and seemed lost in thought. Finally she raised her head and looked across the table, straight at Tsukuru.
“After this, can we go to your place?”
“Of course,” Tsukuru said. He motioned to the waiter to bring the check.
“The handball team?” Tsukuru asked.
“Don’t ask,” Sara said.
? ? ?
Back at his apartment, they held each other. Tsukuru was overjoyed to make love to her again, that she’d given him the chance to do so. On the sofa they caressed each other, then got into bed. Under her mint-green dress she had on tiny black lace underwear.
“Did your mom buy these for you too?” Tsukuru asked.
“You dummy,” Sara laughed. “I bought them myself. Like you need to ask.”
“I don’t see any more acne, either.”
“What did you expect?”
She reached out and gently took his hard penis in her hand.
But a little later, as he was entering her, his penis went limp. It was the first time in his life that this had happened to him, and it left him baffled and mystified. Everything around him became strangely quiet. Total silence in his ears, only the sound of his heart beating.
“Don’t let it bother you,” Sara said, stroking his back. “Just keep holding me. That’s enough. Don’t worry about anything.”
“I don’t get it,” Tsukuru said. “All I’ve been thinking about these days is making love to you.”
“Maybe you were looking forward to it too much. Though I am happy you were thinking about me like that.”
They lay in bed, naked, leisurely stroking each other, but Tsukuru still wasn’t able to get a decent erection. Finally, it was time for her to go home. They silently dressed, and Tsukuru walked her to the station. As they went, he apologized that things hadn’t worked out.
“It doesn’t matter at all, really. So there’s nothing to worry about,” Sara told him, tenderly. And she took hold of his hand. Her hand was small, and warm.
Tsukuru felt he should say something, but nothing came out. He just continued to feel her hand in his.
“I think there’s something still bothering you,” Sara said. “Going back to Nagoya and seeing your old friends for the first time in years, talking with them, learning all kinds of things at once—it must have shaken you up. More than you realize.”
He did feel confused, that much was true. A door that had been shut for so long had swung open, and a reality he had turned his eyes away from until now—a reality he never could have anticipated—had come rushing back inside. And these facts were still jumbled in his mind, unable to settle.
“There’s still something stuck inside you,” Sara said. “Something you can’t accept. And the natural flow of emotions you should have is obstructed. I just get that feeling about you.”
Tsukuru thought about what she had said. “Not all the questions I had were cleared up by this trip to Nagoya. Is that what you mean?”
“Yes. It seems like it. I’m just saying,” Sara said. Her expression turned serious, and then she added, “Now that certain things have become clear to you, it may have had the opposite effect—making the missing pieces even more significant.”