I have also done something I never do, and that is buy clothes. I take a fresh pair of stockings out of their packaging and slide them on. They were insanely expensive, more expensive than one would imagine two tiny sheaths of nylon fabric could ever plausibly be, but the world of fashion is full of such oddities. I put them on with the utmost care, knowing that if I ladder them with one of my hobgoblin toenails, I will surely have to kill myself. I zip up into my new black dress and slip into a pair of patent high heels. I grab a birthday-cake-flavored Lip Smacker I’ve had since high school and throw it in my purse, just in case.
Finally, I stand in front of the mirror, and I see … soft belly, coarse hair, thin lips, thick waist. I am a Jewish man in drag.
*
Okay, so I am not pretty. Some people have diabetes. Some people have six toes. Some people get caught in forest fires and suffer third-degree burns all over their body. Some people have headaches they ignore for months, then finally go to the doctor only to find out it’s a brain tumor that kills them within weeks having never achieved their life’s potential. I did not end up pretty. Big whoop.
*
I’d like to sneak out unnoticed, but my mother is in the living room, poured over one of her gardening books, waiting for me. She looks up with her glasses hooked on the end of her nose.
“Oh,” she gasps. “You look beautiful.”
I smooth the front of my dress.
“Not like a Jewish man in drag?”
“This nonsense you speak,” tuts my mother. She gets up and gives me a kiss, squeezes my waist. “Go have fun. And remember to suck in.”
*
I take the PATH train into the city. There are two college students sitting in front of me talking loudly about the club they’re going to. Something about bottle service. The ends of their sentences all flip up, like whale tails, into questions.
Still, it must be nice to have the company. I’m carrying my mother’s tiny satin evening bag, which could barely accommodate the Lip Smacker, let alone something to read. Sometimes it does not pay to make an effort, I’m learning.
*
The elevators doors open to reveal Jacky teetering on a stepladder, holding a disco ball above her head.
“Whoever that is, help me!” she yells over her shoulder.
“It’s me, Jacks,” I say, holding her steady as she pushes the pin into the spongy ceiling tile. She steps down and brushes glitter from her hands onto her red sweater dress. She is wearing a large pair of reindeer antlers.
“We had an extra, so I thought—” She scans me up and down, lets out a long whistle. “Wow. Look who decided to show up for the party.”
*
Frank is talking to everyone but me. Somehow I get stuck in conversation with one of the suits from the real estate company. Clearly they’re not planning on dropping us before they’ve enjoyed the open bar.
“Do you have any plans for the holidays?” I ask.
“I have to fly to fucking Ohio to see my ex-wife and our kids.”
“Oh,” I say. “Well, I’ve heard Ohio is—”
“I could have gone to Hawaii,” he says. “But instead I’m going to nightmare.”
“Uh-huh,” I say, casting around for Jacky. “And will you be in nightmare long?”
“No,” he says, grudgingly. “We have a schedule: milk, cookies, presents, fuck off.”
I’m about to tell him I’d like to implement the last part of that schedule right now when I see Frank, like an archangel, descend upon us.
“Are you telling one of my writers to fuck off, sir?”
The client laughs uncomfortably and reaches for his drink. Frank makes an excuse for me and pivots us away. He puts an arm over my shoulder and leans his face next to mine. His breath smells of vodka and orange juice.
“Sorry about the other night,” he says. “’Tis the season to embarrass yourself in front of your coworkers, apparently.”
“It was nothing,” I say. “It was fine.”
“Well, you’re a champ,” he says. “And thanks for handling that guy. He always looks like he just walked into a bad hotel room. Have you noticed that?”
I look at Frank. That was the thing about him. He noticed that. He noticed people. It was his gift. Or really, it was the gift he gave you. To be seen.
“What?” says Frank, looking at me.
“Nothing,” I say. “You look nice.”
“Look who’s talking,” he says.
*
“You having fun?” one intern wearing a Rudolph nose asks another.
“The only place I want to be at a party,” the second intern says, “is under the coats asleep.”
*
I am dancing slowly, arms outstretched, to Wham’s “Last Christmas.” This is my favorite song of all time. It is full of pathos and insight. Perhaps the real tragedy here is not that George Michael’s heart was given away, but that this beautiful song is relegated to only one month of the year, when its message of unrequited love leading to a deepening resolve to choose more deserving partners is undeniably relevant year-round.
“You don’t usually drink much, do you, hon?” is what Jacky says when I tell her this.
*
Myke and I are bouncing up and down, and I cannot stop laughing. His impression of an Irish jig is hilarious. We have both wrapped tinsel around our necks, and it is also hilarious, as well as hot and itchy. I feel a kindling warmth toward all mankind. There is no one I would not kiss on the mouth right now. Myke and I grab each other by the wrists and swing around in a tight, giddy loop. The room is an ecstatic cotton-candy machine swirl.
And then I see her. The pearl. Her hair is a golden curtain falling down her back. She is wearing what appears to be a silk jumpsuit and gold slippers. Beside her is an impossibly slim man wearing a mohair sweater and shiny vinyl pants. I drop Myke’s hands and stop spinning. I look at her. All the light in the room reflects her. Myke looks at Frank, who is looking at me, who is looking at her. She is turning and saying something that makes her friend laugh.
Well, I think, this is a terrible blow to us all.
*
I am trying to make it to the bathroom when it happens: we are introduced.
“Hon, have you met Frank’s wife, Cleo?” Jacky grabs my arm. I notice her antlers are askew, and a handful of hair has gotten caught in the top prongs. I fumble to unwind the tinsel from around my neck. “Lee’s a godsend. Such a talent, and she’s a woman.”
“I can see that.”
Cleo smiles at me. I try to take in her face. She is both prettier and less pretty than I expected. She is the palest shade of cream, with minty green eyes. Her eyebrows are invisibly blond above a narrow nose and elfin, pointed chin. Her lips are two thin streaks of pink. There is something barely there, washed out, about her, like a bright piece of fabric bleached by the sun.
“They’re lucky to have you,” she says.
The British accent—I’d forgotten. She is charm personified.
“Thank you,” I say. “Goodbye!”
*
Could have gone better but definitely could have gone worse, is my honest appraisal of that meeting as I throw up in the bathroom stall.
*
I leave the bathroom to find that one of the junior graphic designers has wobbled onto a chair and is attempting to make a speech.
“You guys are, like … you’re like family to me,” she manages to choke out before her face crumples into tears.
There is an uncomfortable moment while we all watch her being helped off the chair by her friend and ushered, still sniffling, away. Frank stands up and claps his hands.
“Okay thanks for that heart-warming message, Courtney,” he says.