Will said, stumbling, “No. Look. It wasn’t you. Why couldn’t you see…He would’ve done the same…He would’ve walked away, no matter who he was with. Why couldn’t you ever see that? Why couldn’t you just let him?”
“I was going to have his baby. His baby, all right? And I thought that meant…I thought we would…Oh God, forget it.”
Will’s jaw had dropped with Madlyn’s revelation. Cadan had, of course, heard the expression before?someone’s jaw dropping?but he’d never imagined how lost it made one look till he saw what Will’s face revealed. Will hadn’t known about this, then. But of course, how could he? It was a private business held within the family, and Will was not a member of the family or even close to becoming one, a fact which he did not appear to understand. Even now. Sounding numb, he said, “You could have come to me.”
“What?” Madlyn said.
“To me. I would’ve…I don’t know. Whatever you wanted. I could have?”
“I loved him.”
“No,” Will said. “You can’t. You couldn’t. Why won’t you see what he was like? He was no good, but you looked at him and what you saw?”
“Don’t you say that about him. Don’t you…don’t.”
Will looked like a man who’s spoken a language that he assumes his listener has understood, only to discover she’s a foreigner in his country and so is he as a matter of fact and there’s nothing to be done about the matter. He said slowly and with dawning knowledge, “You can still defend him. Even after…And what you just told me…Because he wasn’t going to stand by you, was he? That’s not who he was.”
“I loved him,” she cried.
“But you said that you hated him. You told me you hated him.”
“He hurt me, for God’s sake.”
“But then why did I…” Will looked around as if suddenly waking. His glance went to Cadan, then to the flowers he’d brought to give Madlyn. He tossed these into the fireplace. Cadan rather liked the drama of the gesture, had the fireplace been one that actually worked. But as it didn’t work, the act seemed past its sell-by date, the sort of thing one saw in old films on the telly.
The room was filled with a hollow silence. Then Will said to Madlyn, “I punched him out. I would have done more if he’d even been willing to fight, but he wasn’t. He didn’t even bother to care. He wouldn’t fight. Not for you. Not because of you. But I did that. I punched him out. For you, Madlyn. Because?”
“What?” she cried. “What on earth were you thinking?”
“He hurt you, he was a first-class wanker and he needed to be taught?”
“Who asked you to be his teacher? I never. I never. Did you…My God. What else did you do to him? Did you kill him as well? Is that it?”
“You don’t know what it means, do you?” Will asked her. “That I even hit him once. That I…You don’t know.”
“What? That you’re Sir Bloody Whoever in Sodding Armour? That I’m supposed to be happy about that? Grateful? Thrilled? Your handmaiden forever? What exactly don’t I know?”
“I could’ve gone back inside,” he said dully.
“What’re you talking about?”
“If I so much as tripped some bloke on the street. Even accidentally. I could go back inside. But I was willing to do it, because of you. And I was willing to sort him because he needed sorting. But you didn’t know that and even if you did know?now that you do know?it doesn’t matter. It never mattered. I don’t matter. I never did, did I?”
“Why the hell did you think…”
Will looked at Cadan. Madlyn looked at Will. And then she, too, looked at Cadan.
For his part, Cadan thought it was a very good moment to give little Pooh his walkies for the evening.
BEA WAS STRETCHING WITH the aid of a kitchen chair, doing her part to keep an ageing back more or less pain free when she heard a key in the front door. The sound of the key was followed by a familiar knock?bim bim BIM boom BOOM?and then Ray’s voice, “You here, Bea?”