There was a pause. ‘No, son. It’s me.’
Reverend Jón stumbled back, and then managed to haul his son up against his side. ‘Now walk,’ he commanded, bending down to pick up his candle. ‘Are you still asleep?’
Tóti shook his head. ‘No, no. I’m not asleep. I felt queer and wanted some water. I think I drifted off there.’
He grasped his father’s offered arm and together they stumbled back to the badstofa. ‘Sit yourself down on your bed now,’ his father said. He took a few steps back, watching as Tóti swayed uneasily on his feet. His eyes were unusually bright, his hair slick with sweat in the candlelight.
‘You’ve exhausted yourself, son. It’s all your travelling to Kornsá in this unfit weather. It’s addled you.’
Tóti looked up at him. ‘Father?’
Reverend Jón caught him as he fell.
THE DAYS ARE DWINDLING NOW. There is time enough for everything; too much time, and so the family of Kornsá have gone to church to kill the miserable hours that creak about on a Sunday morning. The mountains are covered in snow and the water in the cowshed iced over last night. Jón sent Bjarni out to crack it with a hammer, and now it is just we three, Bjarni, Jón and me, waiting until the others return.
I wonder where the Reverend is? I have not seen him in many days. I thought he might come for my birthday, seeing as he knew of it from the ministerial book, but the day came and went and I dared not say anything to the family. The November days are now crawling past, and still he does not come, with no letter, no message to sustain me. Steina asked me if I thought the weather might be keeping him away: there was a blizzard a week ago that almost snowed us in. Perhaps he is too taken up by pastoral duties, and is travelling around his own parish with the soul registers, writing countless names down so that history will not forget them. Or perhaps he has had enough of my stories; perhaps I have said something and he is now convinced I am guilty, that I must be abandoned and punished. I am too godless. I am distracting him from his dedication to Christian thinking. I make him doubt his belief in a loving Lord. Perhaps Bl?ndal has summoned him again, told him to stop listening to me. Either way, it seems cruel to leave me without warning, without an assurance that he’ll come back. Without his visits the days seem longer, even as the light flees this country like a whipped dog. I’ve less and less to do, and the waiting for him keeps me on a knife-edge. Every boot knocking off snow, every cough in the corridor makes me think he has come again. But it is never him. Only the servants, returning from feeding the stock in the evenings. Only Margrét, spitting into her handkerchief.
This waiting makes me want to be sick. Why not now? Why not pick up the axe and do the deed here, on the farm. Bjarni could do it. Or Gudmundur. Any of the men. God knows they’d probably like to push my face into the snow and take my head off without ceremony, without priest or judge. If they’re going to kill me, why not kill me now and be done with it?
It must be Bl?ndal. He means to cripple me with waiting before stretching my neck out. He wants me to break; he takes away the only comfort I have left in this world because he is a barbarian. He takes Tóti, and makes me watch time pass. A cruel gift, to give me so much time to farewell everything. Why won’t they tell me when I have to die? It could be tomorrow – and the Reverend is not here to help. Why won’t he come?