Noon. Gaah! Is noon already and have not prepared any of my Thoughts.
12.05 p.m. Still Roxster has not texted. Maybe I should text him? Clearly, in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when an insect plague is involved.
12.10 p.m. Right. Hedda Gabbler.
12.15 p.m. Just texted: <So sorry about the Nine Plagues of Egypt and for laughing. Will have entire house and occupants fumigated for your next visit. Are you all right?>
12.20 p.m. Right. Excellent. Hedda Gabbler. Roxster has not replied.
12.30 p.m. Roxster has still not replied. This is not like Roxster.
Maybe will check emails. Sometimes Roxster switches electronic mediums just to show off.
Inbox is overrun not only by Ocado, ASOS, Snappy Snaps, Cotswold Holiday Cottages, links to amusing YouTube clips, offers of Mexican viagra, save the dates for Cosmata’s Build-A-Bear party, but also rash of parent mass emails over Atticus’s missing shoes.
Sender: Nicolette Martinez
Subject: Atticus’s shoes
Atticus came home wearing Luigi’s shoe but his other shoe is also not his nor is it labelled. I would appreciate the return of both of Atticus’s shoes, both of which were clearly labelled.
12.35 p.m. Decided to join in group exchange to show solidarity and take mind off work.
Sender: Bridget Billymum
Subject: Re: Atticus’s shoes
Just to clarify – did Atticus and Luigi go home from swimming just wearing one shoe each?
12.40 p.m. Hee hee, have triggered funny mass email response: jokes about children coming home with no trousers, knickers, etc.
Sender: Bridget Billymum
Subject: Billy’s ear
Billy came home from football last night wearing only one ear. Does anyone have Billy’s other ear? It was VERY clearly labelled and I would appreciate its prompt return.
12.45 p.m. Tee hee.
Sender: Nicolette Martinez
Subject: Re: Billy’s ear
Some parents appear to think that the boys taking care of their own property and the parents clearly labelling it is a matter for amusement. It is actually important for their development as self-reliant individuals. Perhaps if it was their child’s shoes which were missing they would take a different view.
12.50 p.m. Oh no, oh no. Have offended Class Mother and probably horrified everyone else as well. Will send direct mass apology.
Sender: Bridget Billymum
Subject:Atticus’s shoes, Billy’s ears, etc.
I’m sorry, Nicorette. I was trying to write and bored and just joking. Am very bad.
12.55 p.m. Gaaah!
Sender: Nicolette Martinez
Subject: Bridget Jones
Bridget – Possibly the misspelling of my name was a Freudian slip. I think we all know you struggle with the occasional smoking lapse. If it was intentional it was hurtful and rude. Perhaps we need to talk all this through with the head of Pastoral Care.
NicoLette
Shit! I called her Nicorette! Look. Don’t dig yourself in further. Just leave it now and concentrate!
1.47 p.m. This is ridiculous! I’m just COMPLETELY blocked.
1.48 p.m. All the class mothers hate me and Roxster has not replied.
1.52 p.m. Slumped at kitchen table.
1.53 p.m. Look. No going over to the dark side. Grazina the Cleaner will be here any second and she can’t see me like this. Will leave a note re insect plague and go to Starbucks.
2.16 p.m. In Starbucks now with ham-and-cheese panini. Right.
3.16 p.m. Huge gaggles of posh mothers with prams have taken cafe over, talking really loudly about their husbands.
3.17 p.m. Is so noisy in here. Hate people who talk on their phones in cafes – ooh, phone, maybe Roxster!
3.30p.m. Was Jude, clearly in meeting, whispering furtively, ‘Bridget. Vile Richard has totally fallen for Isabella.’
‘Who’s Isabella?’ I whispered urgently back.
‘The girl we made up on PlentyofFish. Vile Richard’s fixed to have a date with her tomorrow.’
‘But she isn’t real.’