<How’s your babysitting schedule? More organized than your spelling? What about next Saturday night?>
I looked at them with the expression of an anti-Iraq War demonstrator hearing that there were no weapons of mass destruction. Then I floated up onto a cloud – non-biochemical – of excitement.
‘“How’s your babysitting schedule?”’ I said, dancing around. ‘He’s so CONSIDERATE.’
‘He’s trying to get into your knickers,’ said Jude.
‘Don’t just stand there,’ said Tom excitedly. ‘Answer the text!’
I thought a bit, then texted:
<Saturday night perfect, just need to obtain a sturdy rope to tether the children.>
<I prefer duct tape.> came straight back.
‘He’s funny,’ said Tom. ‘And there’s just a hint of S&M. Which is nice.’
We all looked at each other happily. A triumph for one was a triumph for all.
‘Let’s open another bottle,’ said Jude, padding over to the fridge in her baggy onesie and big fluffy socks. She stopped to kiss me on the head on the way. ‘Well done, everyone, well done.’
ESCALATING DATING INCOMPETENCE
ON THE FIRST DATE – JUST GO ALONG WITH WHAT HE SUGGESTS
Wednesday 19 September 2012
134lb, pounds gained 1, dating rules broken 2.
9.15 p.m. Chloe can’t do Saturday night, and instead of putting my energy into finding someone else, have obsessed and fantasized so much about the dinner, and what am going to wear, and the way he will look up at me when I appear in the navy silk dress, that have not organized anything else. Gaah! Text from Leatherjacketman! <Fancy a movie on Saturday? Argo?>
9.17 p.m. Argo? Argo? A movie is not a PROPER DATE! Argo is a guy movie! The navy silk dress would be overdressed at a movie. And anyway Chloe can’t do Saturday and . . .
9.20 p.m. Just sent: <How about dinner? Would like to get to know you better.>
DON’T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THE BABYSITTER
9.21 p.m. Me: <Also – babysitter problems Saturday night. Any chance we could do Friday??>
10 p.m. Oh God, oh God. Leatherjacketman has not replied. Maybe he is out? With another woman?
11 p.m. Leatherjacketman: <Can’t do Friday. How about the week after? Friday? Or Saturday?>
11.05 p.m. Texted back <Yes! Saturday!> then slumped. He wants to wait a whole week? How can he bear it?
Sunday 23 September 2012
9.15 p.m. Agonizing. Leatherjacketman has ignored me all weekend. Has clearly gone off me. If was ever on me in first place.
10 p.m. Am going to try to get things going again.
DON’T PREARRANGE FIRST-TIME SEX
<So sorry about moving things around. Will wear high heels on Saturday to make up for it! And babysitter is staying over.>
Monday 24 September 2012
136lb, pounds gained 2, texts from Leatherjacketman (possibly as result of pounds gained, even though has not seen yet) 0.
9.15 p.m. Leatherjacketman has not replied. Thinks am desperate slut.
Tuesday 25 September 2012
135lb, texts from Leatherjacketman 1 (bad).
11 a.m. Just got reply!
<Great. How about ENO in Notting Hill. 7.45? Looking forward to the heels.>
He hates me.
Saturday 29 September 2012
Number of times changed outfit for date 7, minutes late for date 25, positive thoughts during date 0, texts sent to Leatherjacketman 12, texts received from Leatherjacketman 2, Dating Rules broken 13, positive outcomes of entire experience 0.
BE ON TIME, REMEMBERING THAT THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN CHANGING OUTFITS AND PUTTING ON MAKE-UP, RATHER LIKE WHEN CATCHING A PLANE
7 p.m. Spent so long putting on outfits and taking them off again, that minicab went away, has not come back and now I cannot find taxi in street. Have sent series of hysterical texts to which only reply has been: <Plenty of taxis here.>
8 p.m. In the Electric Bar. Ended up bringing car but was so late that have had to dump it in residents’ bay where am sure to get a ticket. Leatherjacketman is not here.
MAKE SURE YOU BOTH THINK YOU’RE GOING TO THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME