‘So you didn’t know, until I asked you to assist her with catching up, that she was in the class –’
‘I knew.’
He sighed. ‘She thought you were in the class – but didn’t know you were the tutor.’
I nodded.
He pulled off his glasses and closed his eyes, heaving a sigh. ‘So you conducted this entire dual – relationship – lying to her about who you were. And she didn’t know until tonight.’
‘Right.’ I swallowed, but the guilt didn’t go down easily. I hadn’t intended to lie additionally tonight, but this lie protected Jacqueline. I didn’t know why she hadn’t confronted me once she knew or suspected. I didn’t even know how long she’d known. But it wouldn’t look good that she’d known and continued the relationship.
I had no choice but to protect her – doing so had become a necessity, like breathing.
‘Landon –’ he waved a hand and corrected himself – ‘Lucas – why?’
How many times had I asked myself this question? ‘At first, it was because she was afraid of me – as Lucas. But not as Landon. Through email, she took me as you’d presented me – a knowledgeable upperclassman who would help her catch up in class. She was funny, and smart, and as Landon, I didn’t …’ I frowned at my hands. ‘I didn’t scare her.’
He cleared his throat. ‘Not to disaffirm your feelings … but she didn’t look all that frightened of you a few minutes ago.’
My lips pinned into a flat line.
‘Is there anything else you’d like to confess, before I decide what to do about this?’
Shit, I thought, as one more indiscretion popped into my head. ‘The quiz – I didn’t tell her about it, per se … but I may have hinted that you were giving one.’
He covered his eyes with his hand and sighed. ‘All right. I’ll speak with her Monday –’
‘Charles.’ I leaned into the table, clasping my hands in front of me like a supplicant. ‘This is my fault. All of it. She did nothing out of line – she’s worked hard to catch up. She wrote that paper unaided, as you wanted. If she’d have had a problem doing it, I might have been tempted to cross a line to help her. But that wasn’t the case. Please don’t penalize her for my bad judgement.’
He angled his head, gaze softening. ‘You admire this girl quite a bit, don’t you?’
I gave one quick nod.
‘You put her in a bad spot here, son. If I hadn’t known you all your life … I could be making a disciplinary decision for each of you based on how the situation looks. Appearances often carry more weight than the truth – but I think you know that.’ He sighed again, laying a palm over my tightly gripped hands. ‘Well. Can I trust you to limit yourselves to appropriate tutoring interactions for the last couple weeks of the semester? I need your word.’
I nodded again, my eyes stinging. I wasn’t worthy of his forgiveness. ‘Yes. I promise. I’m sorry I let you down, Charles. And her.’
He patted my hand before gathering the papers. ‘I’ll admit I’m frequently wrong about women – but it seems to me that lying to avoid present hassle just to postpone it for later is a bad idea. Lies have a way of compounding the problem – or coming back to bite you in the nuts, as Caleb would say.’
We both chuckled. ‘I guess I agree with Caleb there.’
‘Yeah, he’s pretty smart now. Give him a year or two. Once puberty whacks him hard enough, it’ll flush half his brain cells right down the tube.’
I didn’t look at Jacqueline Monday when she entered class. I didn’t look at her, if I could help it, all during class. I didn’t look at her when Heller said, ‘Ms Wallace, please see me for just a moment after class.’
Benjamin Teague glanced over his shoulder at me, though. A moment later, leaning close to Jacqueline, his head inclined in my direction, asking a question. She shook her head, but didn’t turn round.
I continued sending her the worksheets, my emails limited to: New worksheet attached, LM. She didn’t reply; I didn’t expect her to. I didn’t watch her enter or exit class, except to note that Moore escorted her out, and followed her from the building as well. She didn’t look at me, and I couldn’t blame her.
I allowed myself a few unguarded assessments of her during class Wednesday and Friday. She paid full attention to the lectures – no fidgeting or glancing over her shoulder. Except for taking notes, her hands were still. She was like an enchanted being who’d suddenly found herself earthbound and bereft of her magical powers, when nothing could be further from the truth. She’d conjured love in the heart of a man whose soul had been frozen for years, anaesthetized by too much pain and guilt to bear.
Jacqueline and Erin went to Ellsworth’s line when it came time to practise kicks. I didn’t watch her, but I was tuned to her frequency. I could hear her voice above everyone, even when she was no louder than anyone else, yelling, ‘No!’ as she landed a knee strike or kick, or laughing with her friend.
When Watts announced a break, I couldn’t stop myself from finding her, drinking her in. She looked up and our eyes connected, and everyone else vanished. There was only Jacqueline, standing on the other side of the room, her eyes a cloudless sky and her face flushed pink from exertion. Catching sight of her in that moment was like glancing out a window and happening upon a sunset – inadvertent, breathtaking, never before and never again.
Erin took her arm and steered her out into the hall to the women’s locker room or the water fountain, and I shook myself from my stupor to help Ellsworth arrange the equipment for the next round of drills, and then we padded up.
‘Make sure you get that shit on tight,’ he reminded me. ‘Fairfield got nailed in the junk last fall after some sloppy padding up. We’re teaching these ladies not to hold back and they don’t. I don’t think he could stand for a full fifteen minutes, poor bastard. I laughed till I cried, of course.’
When called back to order, the women separated into two groups, prepared for the bear hug assault, which was just what it sounded like. Then Watts said, ‘Don, Lucas, let’s have you two switch off, mix up the attacker tactics.’
This landed Jacqueline in my line, as well as my department admin, who volunteered to help demonstrate the move – a series of possible defences against being grabbed in a full body hug. Little wonder Jacqueline looked freaked and ready to make a dash for the door. I felt no different. I would have my arms all the way round her, in front of everyone, within the next few minutes.