He looks up as I approach, and the tears standing in his eyes are almost my undoing. My steps falter as I’m faced with Zo’s mortality, with his own belief that he will die. I steel myself against that. I cannot afford doubt, even from the one I’m believing for.
“Okay, so the team at Stanford is checking their open trials,” I say, my tone businesslike, brisk, bordering indifferent, though anyone who checked my pulse would know that to be a lie. “If they come back with a no, I’ll find a way. In the meantime, you’ll begin the chemo protocol there.”
“Banner.”
“My realtor friend found us a townhouse in Palo Alto, not far from the hospital,” I continue, afraid to let him speak. Afraid of what he’ll say and how he’ll try to make me stop. “We can stay the full three months while you’re getting chemo. Longer if needed.”
“Us? We?” His head jerks up and his eyes search mine. “You’re coming with me? To Stanford?”
“Of course I am.” I dig around in my bag as if searching for something. “This will be harrowing. You can’t do it alone.”
“No, I can’t,” he agrees softly. He grabs my hand, gently tugging me away from my purse until I’m standing in front of him. “Bannini, tengo miedo.”
I’m scared.
His softly spoken admission cracks my fa?ade like no angry words ever could, and for the first time since we heard the word amyloidosis, hot tears trickle down my cheeks. The riot of emotions I’ve been able to keep at bay roar to the surface and overtake me. They pull me under like a riptide, unexpected, unpredictable, unnavigable. I’m violently taken by a current beyond my control, and so is Zo. He pulls me down to the couch with him, beside him and wraps his arms around me.
And we weep. We wet each other’s clothes with our tears and clutch each other hard enough to bruise. I’ll give myself this moment of weakness, but it will pass, and I will get up, and we will fight. I wipe the last of my tears and move to stand, but Zo catches my wrist to stop me. His hand tangles in my hair and before I know his intentions, he’s kissing me. Desperately like the cure to the thing killing him lies just beyond my lips. I push at his chest, gently, firmly enough to put space between us.
“Zo, no.” I pull away. “We can’t.”
“Why not?” he asks, bitterness creeping back into his voice. “Because of him?”
I freeze, shame shackling me to the seat.
“I can’t do this right now, Zo,” I say, and the tears I thought were done burn my throat again. “I have to focus on the next three months, on you getting better.”
I look up at him and offer a watery smile.
“On you living,” I say. “So just let me help you.”
He tilts his head back and a slight smile plays over his full lips.
“I will let you help me on one condition,” he finally says.
Whatever he wants I’ll give him and he knows it.
“What?” I ask hesitantly, cautiously.
“Put it on hold, whatever you have with him. Don’t take it any further.”
I stare at him in shock long enough for him to go on without giving me a chance to respond.
“I know you, Banner,” he says, squeezing my hands in his. “In ten years, you’ve never let me down. You’re the most loyal person I know. And today, how you’ve stepped in, taken over, are sacrificing so much for me . . . I know this is what I want. You are what I want. What I need. Forever. I want to fight for you, but it seems I will be occupied for the foreseeable future fighting for my life. I cannot do both.”
“Zo, I don’t . . . I can’t make any promises,” I tell him as honestly as I can without being cruel. “I’m not sure we should ever have . . . Well, do you sometimes think that maybe we should have remained just friends?”
“That is my condition,” he says, hardening his tone and ignoring my question. “I’m not expecting you to be in a relationship with me, or to sleep with me, but you can’t sleep with him either. He and I will both wait until I’m better and the fight is fair and the playing field is even.”
All the air leaves my lungs. I thought he could ask anything of me and it wouldn’t even be hard, but this is hard. I know this isn’t what I want with Zo anymore. What I feel for and what I have with Jared is something already so deep and rich, and we’ve only scratched the surface of it, but what I told Lowell is true. Zo needs something he’s fighting for. Simply fighting to live is not enough. He needs something he’s fighting to live for.
We have something special.
Jared’s last words echo in my head, caressing my thoughts and seducing my imagination. Hurting my heart.
Yes, Zo needs something to live for. He has ball.
And now he has me.
32
Jared
“Iris, can you sit in on the Nike call?”
I glance up from the marketing plan on my iPad for the upcoming campaign and find my sister-in-law gaping at me with wide eyes.
“Me?” She points to herself, her mouth hanging open the smallest bit.
“Unless there’s another Iris on our team,” I say with a touch of sarcasm, looking away from her and moving right into the next agenda item.
I have to handle Iris carefully, never paying her special attention or granting her special favors. She’s legitimately talented and has so much untapped potential, but she’s also married to my brother, a silent partner in Elevation and an NBA all-star. I don’t want her rise in this company, in this industry, to smack of nepotism. That would be a disservice to the badass she really is. She reminds me a lot of Banner, and I can see why Iris admires her so much. They’d be great friends, if given the opportunity.
And I plan to give them the opportunity. Knowing Banner, she’ll want to be circumspect about our relationship, considering the public only recently found out about her and Zo. I have no idea how things will pan out after it leaks that Zo is leaving the Bagley Agency and that he and Banner aren’t together. Until things settle, she’ll want to be discrete. I can do discrete as long as it doesn’t prevent us moving forward. I want my family to know, though. My parents’ anniversary party would be a great time to introduce them to Banner. After they get over the shock of me actually bringing someone home, they’ll love her.
Everyone loves Banner.