“So that’s it?” I ask, checking the list of offices in the lobby to find Bagley. “You won’t tell me what I’ve done so wrong that we’re back at square one?”
“We never really left square one. I just needed reminding.” She sighs impatiently. “Look, I’m swamped. I need to go. Goodbye.”
On the elevator, anger percolates under my skin and throbs at my temples. Does she actually think I can be dismissed so summarily? Like I’m some puppy she can get rid of with one good kick? I will myself to calm down on the walk from the elevator to her office. Surprisingly, the door isn’t locked yet, and I walk right in. Note to self: she needs to fix that. The LA office is small, with most of Bagley’s agents still operating from New York. And it’s empty because everyone else has a life and has gone home. I find Banner’s office easily and the knob turns, opening right away.
I lock the door behind me.
She’s at the window, watching the city skyline start to glitter. When the door opens, she whips around, and I catch her unaware. The vulnerability and disappointment on her face before the indifferent mask locks in place makes me want to choke Cal Bagley.
“What do you want?” The ice in her eyes freezes me out, but I know how to warm her, how to warm us both.
“I thought I was very clear about what I wanted,” I say, walking over to stand beside her at the window. “I want you.”
She snorts, scorn distorting the sweet symmetry of her lips. She moves over to her desk and starts straightening papers and packing her bag.
“You want me?” she asks, not looking up from her task. “I already have a job, so you can stop recruiting.”
I move swiftly to the desk and put my hands over hers on top of the laptop she was about to pack.
“You know I don’t give a damn about that, Banner.” I dip my head to catch her eyes.
“No, I don’t know,” she says softly. “For years I believed you had ulterior motives that night when we . . .”
“Made love?” I offer. “But you said you believed Bent when he told you I had nothing to do with Prescott’s scheme.”
“Yeah. I . . . well, I did. It still all seems sudden and strange.” She pulls her hands from under mine and slides them into the pockets of the narrow black skirt hugging her ass like a lover. “I’m not your usual type, you must admit.”
She laughs, a rueful grin tipping one side of her mouth.
“I’m no Cindy.”
“Who the hell is Cindy?” I ask, perplexed.
“Seriously?” Incredulity is all over her face. “Miss Iowa from senior year?”
“Oh, hell, Banner. I forgot her before graduation day. Not really, but pretty damn close. That isn’t what this is about, is it?”
She lifts her lashes, but the gate is slammed shut over her dark eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.”
I capture her wrist, sit on the edge of the desk, and draw her between my legs.
“If I’m the asshole who pretends I want to be with you so you’ll come work for me,” I say, linking our fingers and sliding my other hand around her waist. “Then I can’t be the guy who has always seen you, always wanted you, and is willing to blow up your life, as you put it, to have you. If I’m lying, then this thing between us can’t be real and you won’t have to deal with it.”
I lift our linked hands to my lips, connecting our eyes and not relinquishing her.
“You wouldn’t have to deal with me.”
“No, that isn’t—”
“Shut up, Ban,” I cut in softly. “I’m not giving you that out. Tonight you face the truth.”
“Which is what?” she asks.
“Do you have any idea how many women I’ve been with?” I ask instead of answering her question directly.
“No, I—”
“Neither do I. I literally don’t remember some of them. Just a blur of hair and faces. I got some of their names wrong the night they were in my bed.”
I grasp her stubborn chin, lift it.
“But you? I remember exactly how tight you were. How wet. I still hear the sounds you made in the dark, and I know how we smell together. I have perfect recall of every second I was inside of you. That’s the truth.”
Her pupils dilate and she draws a stuttering breath.
“Banner, you’re my match.”
Finally saying the words out loud, declaring it, feels right.
“I’m not your match,” she says, one imperious brow ascending. “I’m too good for you.”
“True,” I grin, tightening my hand at her waist. “But I’m going to have you anyway.”
“It was a one-night stand, Jared,” she says lamely.
“Now who’s lying? It wasn’t a one-night stand. It was one night, and I never intended that to be the end. You let that prick motherfucker take away all the nights we should have had.”
I dip to nuzzle her neck, nudge aside the collar of her blouse to kiss the soft skin beneath.
“I want them back, Ban. I want you back.”
“It doesn’t work that way,” she says breathlessly, still fighting it. “You can’t just have me back like the last ten years never happened. I’m in a committed relationship, and you can’t ignore that.”
I stare at her, waiting for her to remember my moral compass spins. There is no true north. There’s only what I want and what stands in my way. I cup her neck and sift the fingers of one hand into her hair and grab her ass with the other.
“What I can’t do,” I say. “What I won’t do any longer is wait. I tried to give you space, but you’ll only use that space to make more excuses. So that ends tonight.”
And without warning, I kiss her the way I’ve wanted to since I walked in.
21
Banner
It’s like that first time he kissed me, and it’s like no kiss I’ve ever had before.
When Jared first kissed me in Sudz senior year, the zeal, the fervor of it snatched my breath. Yes, it was deep and hard and demanding, but what startled me was that all that intensity was turned on me. Watching Jared, crushing on him for years, and then kissing him was like seeing a cyclone from land—marveling at its power and dark, twisting beauty only to find yourself suddenly, improbably, at its center. Standing still in my office, I’m at the spinning center of a kiss that will demolish my life. I know it, but I can’t stop.