“I love you,” I tell him again and turn into the bathroom without waiting for a response, but Jared’s not letting me off that easily. The door opens just as I’m unzipping my dress.
“You can’t just say that and leave,” he says, his voice uneven, his eyes lit with something wholly new. Something my words gave birth to. “I’m not used to it yet.”
I slip the dress off, grateful that there is at least a strapless bra, and slip on the T-shirt and yoga pants Iris sent. She’s much smaller than I am, so I’m glad she chose stretchy clothes.
“Say it again.” He advances deeper into the room until he stands right in front of me. “I need to hear it again.”
“I love you,” I say, my voice sober and honest. “I think I have for a long time.”
He cups my cheek and kisses my hair.
“Me, too,” he says, the look in his eyes belying the causal tone of his voice. “Since senior year, to be exact.”
My phone rings, stealing our smiles. It’s my mom.
“Hey, Mama. Any word?”
“The doctor just came out,” she says, her voice stiff with disapproval. “If you can spare the time to hear what he has to say.”
I don’t even respond. Don’t bother reminding her that sparing time is all I’ve done for the last three months. I don’t have to defend myself to my mother or anyone. The only person I need to completely understand is Zo, and I think now he does. I hope I’ll get the chance to find out.
As soon as we rejoin my family in the waiting room, the doctor launches into his update.
“Who came in with him?” the doctor asks, looking over all the faces.
“Um, it was me,” I say hastily. “I did all I could think to do. I thought he would be okay because he just finished his chemo, but I guess some of his organ functions are still compromised. It was too much and I’m so sorry. If he—”
“You probably saved his life,” the doctor cuts in, the look he gives me kind and a balm to some of the guilt that never seems too far away. “If we’d had to figure out all the things you gave us and hadn’t gotten in touch with Stanford right away, we probably would have lost him. He was literally in the process of dying. His organs had begun shutting down.”
I unconsciously grab Jared’s hand at the doctor’s words, at how close I came to losing my best friend. I force my breaths in and out slowly.
“We’re flushing his body with a saline solution right now,” the doctor continues. “He’s resting and will be here for a few days recovering, but he should continue steadily improving.”
“When can we see him?” I ask, needing to see for myself that Zo is okay.
“You can see him now.” His glance roves all the eager faces lined up. “Just two at a time, please.”
I squeeze Jared’s hand and let go, walking toward where the doctor said Zo was resting. I don’t even check to see who the second person is who follows me but make my way straight to Zo’s side. He’s asleep, but I still have to talk to him.
“You scared me to death,” I whisper and grab his hand, which is huge but still skeletal compared to its former size.
“Scared you so badly you ran off with your new boyfriend the first chance you got?” My mother asks in our native tongue from behind me.
I send her a quelling look over my shoulder.
“Mama, you don’t know what you’re talking about and now is not the time.”
“When will be the time, Bannini?” she asks, her eyes saddened, angry. “This man loves you.”
“And I love him,” I snap, turning to give her the full force of my expression. “Do you think I would have gone through the last three months if I didn’t love him? That I would be prepared to do it again when he has stem cell replacement if I didn’t love him?”
“Oh, that is your idea of love?” Mama expels a harsh laugh. “Cheating on him like a common whore?”
I’m quiet because I cannot fully deny her accusation. I did cheat on Zo, and as much as I love Jared, as sure as I am that we belong together, I will never condone what I did or how I hurt Zo.
“I see you have no defense,” Mama continues. “You slept with him? With this gringo?”
“Yes, Mama,” I answer softly, tears stinging my eyes. “I did.”
“You admit it.” She shakes her head, a layer of disappointment over her disapproval. “I raised you better than that. That you would shame our family, shame yourself this way is unacceptable.”
“I know, Mama. I’ve apologized to Zo.”
“He knows?” Mama asks. “So not just this disease but a broken heart, too?”
God, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. Every word is like another heavy clump of dirt on a grave, burying me alive.
“Stop.” The one word comes from behind me, from Zo. It’s thin and weak, like him, but there is no mistaking the steel in it. “Don’t talk to her like that.”
“But, Zo,” Mama says, making her way over to the bed. “She cheated on you? Was unfaithful to you?”
“Almost dying has a way of bringing things into focus,” he says. “She’s not in love with me.”
A rueful smile tilts his beautiful mouth.
“I can admit that now,” he says, sharing a look with me. “She may not be in love with me, but she loves me. She chose me when I needed her to. Tonight is not the first time she has saved my life, and I won’t have anyone, not even you, Mama, speak against her.”
He shifts his tired, intent stare from my mother to me.
“Good people may do bad things, wrong things,” he says. “But they are still good people, still capable of doing amazing things, and Banner has more than proven that.”
“Zo,” I choke out. “You don’t have to—”
“I have not always done the right thing, either, Bannini,” he cuts in softly. “I forgive you. Forgive yourself, and then forgive me for keeping you from the one you do love. The one who loves you. I knew it as soon as he stepped foot in your house that night.”
A harsh laugh briefly disrupts his shallow breathing.